The Legend of Zelda OOT Lost Piece Of The Triforce
by Krosite
Summary: The most hilarious Zelda story ever.Join Zack & Gozz as they travel with Link in a hilarious trip through the game with tons of new people and events.Up to Chp 9 is rewritten after a LONG drought. Definitely worth a read
1. You are what you eat

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: I

_Chapter 1- You are what you eat_

A long time ago…

The 3 goddesses of courage, wisdom and power created the Earth. Where they left they created a symbol in their memory (the Triforce). No one except the Royal Family knows where the Triforce is. It's kept secret because whoever has it can grant wishes. But there is another piece of the Triforce…The exact location of the missing piece is only known to the Great Deku Tree.

GDT: Navi, Navi where art thou? Come hither, I don't have much time left…It is time for the boy without a fairy to start his journey. Go now and summon Zack!

Navi: Aye aye captain! _She flies toward the village_

_At Zack's tree house_

_A boy lays sleeping in his bed_

Navi flies in

Navi: Zack, Zack get up!

Zack: Ah! _He falls out of bed_ Who are you? The New Jersey Devil?

Navi: No! I'm Navi; I'm a messenger of the Great Deku Tree.

Zack: What do you want?

Navi: I don't want anything.

Zack: Then get out! I'm tryin to sleep.

Navi: The Great Deku Tree wants you! It's an emergency!

Zack: Really? How big of an emergency?

Navi: Bigger then the Paris Hilton sex video!

Zack: Hm…This sounds important. But_…He gets up off the floor and walks to his toaster_ My pop-tarts are more important.

Navi: This is urgent! Pop-tarts can wait!

Zack: But their Fabulous Fairy Pop-Tarts! Made from delicious fairies like you! And if you don't leave me alone you might find yourself in a pop-tart sandwich. Capeesh?

Navi: You dare threaten me? I serve a higher power!

_Zack grabs a bottle_

Zack: I'm sorry. But before I go I want you to look at this.

Navi: Look at what?

Zack: Look at this bottle. If you look down the opening you can see this…I'm not sure what it is. Maybe you'd know.

Navi: Let me see…_She hovers over to it _

Zack: Gotcha!_ He slips the bottle over her and pops a cork in it_

Navi: Let me out juvenile!

Zack: Maybe later. Let's see what this tree wants…_He pockets the bottle, walks outside and climbs down to the ground_

???: Yahoo! It's Zack! _A girl runs up to him _Good morning Zack! Did you dream of me?

Zack: If you were in my dream then it'd be a nightmare! _He runs by her and makes his way to the Great Deku Shrine entrance_ What is this?

_A guy is blocking the way_

Zack: Mido what are you…

Mido: Hey it's you! Mr. No Fairy!

Zack: Hey it's you, the 40 year old virgin.

Mido: What?

Zack: Nothin. Move it. The tree wants me.

Mido: Shutup Mr. No Fairy! If you think I'm just gonna let some child waltz in here and meet with the Great Deku Tree then your sadly mistaken. You're just a foolish boy.

Zack: Let me in. I don't have time to chat.

Mido: Heh. Yeah ya do. See this fairy? _He points to a pink fairy flying over his shoulder_ This means I'm a real man. It's a sign of power.

Zack: It's a sign of an infant! That fairy's a babysitter sent by the tree to watch out for wee little Mido.

Mido: You question the law of the Great Deku Tree? Your just jealous cuz you don't have one!

Zack: You and your fairy can kiss my Kokiri can. Now move!

Mido: I shant! Why would the Great Deku Tree some fairieless faggot Zack when he could summon I, the Great Mido? Besides, you don't even have a sword or shield!

Zack: What does that have to do with anything?

Mido: Everything. Only those who are properly armed are allowed past here. What if he needs to be protected?

Zack: You little dick! I'm gonna break your nose! _He steps forward_

Mido: I don't think so… _He whistles and 3 other Kokiri's run over and block the way _Maybe if you come back with a sword and shield I might let you by.

Zack: I'll stomp all of you!

_They all pull knives_

Zack: Dammit_…He walks away and sits down on a rock_ Where can I get sword?

???: Hey, don't swear!

_He spins around and sees a girl_

???: Swearing is terrible!

Zack: Who are you?

???: I'm Zelda. And you are?

Zack: Zack.

Zelda: Pleased to meet you!

Zack: Whatever.

Zelda: Hey now! What's wrong?

Zack : I need a sword and a shield.

Zelda: Why? Violence is terrible!

Zack: It's the only way I can see the Easter Tree…

Zelda: Hmm…Well…Since your not going to hurt anyone I guess I can help.

Zack: You know where I can get 'em?

Zelda: I know just the man you need! His name is Link.

Zack: Where is he?

Zelda: I saw him go into that shop…_She points to a shop_

_A guy wearing green comes walking out_

Zelda: That's him! Let's go talk to him!

_Suddenly someone comes running out of the shop and tackles Link_

Link: Get off me!

_The guy punches Link in his eye_

Link: Ow!

_The mystery man grabs Links sword and runs off_

Link: Coward! Come back and fight I say!

_Zack and Zelda walk over to him_

Zack: You just got jumped son!

Zelda: That eye looks bruised! Are you alright?

Link: Yes. But I must retrieve my sword.

Zack: I'm afraid that's not gonna happen.

Link: What do you mean?

Zack: I need a sword to go see the Christmas Tree so I'm gonna take yours.

Zelda: Show some respect. It is the honorable Great Deku Tree you're speaking of!

Link: I won't allow it. I need my sword.

Zack: To bad! I'm gonna jump the guy who jumped you and haul ass to the Hanukah tree before you can stop me!

Link: Preposterous!

Zelda: It's the Great Deku Tree!

Zack: See ya! _He runs down an alley_ Where are you fool?

???: You're the fool! _A guy jumps off a roof and kicks Zack_

_Zack rolls away_

Zack: You think you're real sneaky huh?

???: No. I think I'm Gozz and I'm gonna take all your valuables.

Zack: Not really. I need that sword you stole.

Gozz: Why should I give you my hard earned sword?

Zack: I need it to see this important tree.

Gozz: Yeah…right…

Zack: Look I'm serious. When I get the money I'll pay you back.

Gozz: Ok. But I'm stickin with you until you do.

Zack: Fair enough.

_Gozz gives him the sword and they walk back to Link_

Link: You! _He stomps over to Gozz_ THEIF! Return what you have stolen from me!

Gozz: I don't have it.

Link: Liar!

Zack: _I _have it. _Zack spins the sword between his fingers_

Link: That property does not belong to you! Hand it over immediately!

Zack: Sorry. No-can-do. Now I need a shield.

Gozz: They got one at the shop. But it costs like 40 rupees.

Zack: I'm broke.

Link: Don't ignore me!

_They ignore him_

Gozz: Don't worry, I have an idea.

_He whispers into Zack's ear_

Zack: Good plan!

Gozz: Hey Link. Look! It's a Nautzican!

Link: Where? _He turns his head and Gozz hits him in the skull with a rock_

_He falls over unconscious_

Zelda: How could you?!

Gozz: Check his pockets…

_Zack grabs his wallet and "borrows" some money_

Zack: That should be enough.

Zelda: Enough? You took everything!

_Link moans and sits up_

Link: Good golly miss Molly! What happened?

Zelda: Gozz hit you with a…

Zack: We really should be getting that shield shouldn't we?

Gozz: Right you are. To the shop!

Zack: To the shop!

_They walk to the shop_

_Gozz opens the door_

_Zack slams it shut on Link_

Link: Ugh… _He falls over unconscious_

Zack: Oops! Didn't see you there Link!

Store Owner: So what do we have here?

_A big fat guy leans on the counter_

_Gozz starts snickering_

_Zack suppresses a laugh_

Zack: I'd like to buy a shield dawg.

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! I don't think so!

Zack: Why not?!

Store Owner: Cuz you guys are puny and weak and don't need a shield! MO-HO-HO!

Gozz: Shutup with that gay laugh and sell us a shield!

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! It's time to go_! He points to the door_

Zack: I'm not leaving without a shield.

Store Owner: We don't sell shields! MO-HO-HO!

Zack: Then what's that brown wooden shield doing under the "**FOR SALE**" sign?

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! I don't know…

Zack: How about I just take it?_He grabs it off the wall _Well, we'd better get going_…He moves to the door_

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! Gimme my rupees! _He pounds the counter_

Gozz: Nah, quick let's run.

_Everyone dashes out the door_

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! I'm coming out the doe! _He smashes threw the door and hops on a jumbo tricycle and starts chasing them_

Zelda: Where are we going?

Zack: To the Qwanza tree!

Mido: Halt!

_Everyone runs past him_

Mido: Stop in the name of Mido!

_The Store Owner runs him over_

Zack: He's catching up!

Gozz: Hold up! _He drops a banana peel_

Zack: That won't work!

_The Store Owner hits the peel and tumbles backwards_

Store Owner: MO-HO-HO! Oh no! _He crashes into his shop_

Zack: Nice.

_Suddenly a voice calls out_

???: Closer…

_Everyone walks closer to the voice_

???: Closer…

_Everyone walks closer_

???: Come…closer…

Zack: Jesus! How much closer do you want us to be?

Gozz: Looks like a big tree.

???: I am the Great Deku Tree…My word is the law…milk?

Gozz: Hm…no thanks…

Zack: Did I miss something?

GDT: Ah Zack. You have come. But where is Navi?

Zack: She had to go to the store.

Gozz: Who's Navi?

Zack: Some faggot fairy.

Zelda: Zack! Watch your mouth! You are what you eat!

Zack???

GDT: Oh well, there are more pressing matters to discuss.

Zack: Like what?

GDT: Like the future of this land and its people. The evil Gerudo thief Ganondorf has put a curse on me. If you cannot save me then Hyrule could be doomed!

Gozz: That doesn't sound that bad.

Zelda: Oh my goodness! Wise Great Deku Tree, whatever can we do to aid you in your time of need?

GDT: You must enter and clean out the curse.

Zack: Enter where?

_The Great Deku Tree opens his mouth_

Gozz: Hell no! I'm not going in that thing!

Zelda: I guess only real men can go in.

Gozz: You're going?

Zelda: Yes

Gozz: Then that makes you a man!

_Zack laughs_

Zelda: Enough. If you wanna make jokes, join the circus. I'm going.

Zack: C'mon Gozz lets go.

Gozz: Fine…

_Everyone walks in_

Zack: So what's this curse?

Zelda: Shh! I hear something! Listen!

_A strange skritching sound fills the air_

Gozz: What is that?

_A skulltulla drops from the ceiling _

Zack: That's the curse? This little bug?

Zelda: Eek! Kill it quick!

_Gozz picks it up and throws it in her hair_

Zelda: Oh my god! Get it off me! _She slaps it out of her hair_

_It falls to the ground and she stomps it to death_

Zelda: How could you do that?

Gozz: Get over it. It was just a little spider.

_Suddenly a huge spider drops from the roof_

Spider: Ekanssss!

Gozz: Koffing!

Zelda: Aei!

_Zack runs into a wall_

_Zelda climbs some stairs_

_Gozz trips_

Gozz: What's this? _He reaches down and picks up the slingshot he tripped over _Not bad! _He loads a deku seed and shoots the spider_

_The spider turns to him and growls_

Gozz: Oh crap…

_The spider rushes him_

Gozz: Die, die, die! _He backs up while shooting and a lucky shot hits the spiders eye _

Spider: KEE! _It falls down_

Zack: I got em! _He runs forward and stabs it in the eye_

Spider: SKREE! _It shakes then lays still_

Gozz: Phew! That wasn't so bad. Where'd that old hag go to?

Zack: I think she went upstairs.

_They climb the stairs_

Zelda: Nooo! Help me!

_Gozz and Zack run into a room and see a Deku Scrub cornering Zelda_

Scrub: Hello young lass! I'll sell you some Deku Sticks! 15 rupees a piece they are!

Zelda: Stop! Leave me alone! HELLLP!

Gozz: What are you so scared of? It's just a scrub sellin sticks.

Scrub: Thank you kind sir. Would you like some Deku Sticks? 20 rupees a piece they are!

Gozz: Are you tryin to rip me off?

Scrub: Would a face like this lie? _He turns around and looks at Gozz_

Gozz: OH MY GOD! EVERYBODY! RUN!

_The Scrub locks the door and they all get a good look at him_

Zack: Is that…?

Gozz: It can't be!

Zelda: Chuck Norris!

Scrub: Chuck Norris? I'm Scrub Norris! My power is even greater then his! I can kick threw a tank!

Everyone gasps

Scrub: I can punch threw a poodle!

Everyone stares

Scrub: I can eat threw a Burger King's Big Kid's Meal!

Everyone laughs

Scrub: Enough! Your all gonna die if you don't buy some of my sticks! 85 rupees a piece they are!

Zack: I'm not payin 85 rupees for a twig! Screw you!

Scrub: So be it! Feel the wrath of the gods! _He screams a war cry and throws a punch at him_

Zack: Holy! _Zack jumps out of the way_

_The Scrubs punch blasts a 10 foot wide hole in the wall_

Gozz: Unbelievable!

Zelda: Run!

_They run threw the hole and end up in a small room littered with rocks_

Zack: Dead end!

_The scrub walks over to them_

Scrub: You won't get away this time! Time for my unstoppable round-house kick!

Zelda: This is the end!

Scrub: YAH! _He lashes out with a powerful, dramatic kick_

_Everyone leaps out of the way_

_He kicks a rock behind them_

Scrub: OW! My foot! You bastards! Now I'm gonna kill you! The only way I'll show mercy is if you buy some Deku Sticks. 9999999 rupees a piece they are!

Zack: I thought you could kick threw a tank.

Scrub: AUGH! BUY SOME DEKU STICKS!!! #$)2435234905#$83497.$#53 RUPEES A PIECE THEY ARE!!!

Gozz: Gimme that! _He grabs the Scrub's bag and searches it _

Scrub: Drop that this instant!

Gozz: If you say so… _He chucks the bag across the room and it hits the wall_

_There is a bunch of loud snaps as the Deku sticks break_

Scrub: GASP My babies! _He rushes over to the bag_ No, no, no! Not my babies! _He opens the bag and starts crying_ NOOOO! Their all broked! Broked in half! This world is to cruel.

Zack: Pick up your trash scrub.

Scrub: You heartless fiends! I'll never forget this! _He grabs his bag and runs away_

_They leave the GDT_

GDT: It seems you have succeeded. Alas, it was all for naught. I was doomed to die before you came here…

Zelda: OH DEAR! DON'T LEAVE US!

Zack: So we did that all for nothing?!

GDT: No. You did that to prove your strength. Someone must stop Ganondorf. That someone is you and your friends. I don't have much time left so take this stone, the stone that Ganondorf wanted so badly he cursed me to try to get it.

_A green gem falls from his branches and Zack takes it_

GDT: Protect it at all costs!

Zack: Ok.

GDT: There is one more thing. There exists a sacred icon, the Triforce. You must make sure it does not fall into Ganondorf's hands.

Zack: Will do.

GDT: And keep a lookout for the lost piece of the Triforce, for it alone could turn the tide of the battle to come.

Zack: Where can I find it?

GDT: Ah…yes…It's located in…No…that's my mom's house…Oh yes! It's hidden in…Urk! _Hack_ _Cough…_Bleh…

_It dies_

Zack: You stupid tree!

Zelda: How terrible.

Gozz: It has a mom?

Zelda: What an unfortunate turn of events. Would you two accompany me to Hyrule?

Gozz: For what?

Zelda: I think the Royal Family could use you guys for a special job.

Zack: What kind of job?

Zelda: You'll see. Just get ready to go

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

This story is still undergoing a re-write. So far, only Chapter 1-5 are completely redone, so if you want the story at it's best, (and it get's way funnier) you may want to wait to read the whole thing until I finish the re-write. The rest was written when I was younger and its quality isn't as good as it is now. But if you can't wait, go ahead, just know it might be crappy. When you get to a new chapter just scroll down and see if it says REWRITE. If it does then you know the chapters good.

In Chapter 2, they are on their way to Hyrule when trouble arises. And that's only the beginning. After they make it to Hyrule, they have a run-in with some shop owners and a killer dog, and the only way for them to get inside the castle is with a toy scrotum. It'll all make sense later. 


	2. Screaming Testicles

**THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: II**

_**CHAPTER 2- SCREAMING TESTICLES**_

Zack: We should equip ourselves before we leave…

Gozz: Yeah.

_Mido runs up to them_

Zack: So how's it feel to get run over by a tricycle?

Mido: Shutup punk! You've got a lot of explaining to do!

Zack: Explaining?

Mido: The Great Deku Tree is dead! You killed him!

Zack: No I didn't. He was cursed.

Mido: Cursed? Hah! Here that guys? Little Zack believes in magic!

_3 of Mido's buddies walk over_

Flunky 1: Hahaha! What a child!

Flunky 2: He's so gullible! Probably reads Harry Potter books!

Flunky 3: He probably thinks he is Harry Potter!

_They all laugh_

Zack: I don't have time to talk to Mido's slaves. We're leaving.

Mido: I don't think so. Do you know the penalty for murder?

Zack: It doesn't matter. I didn't kill anyone!

Gozz: It's true!

Mido: Ha! Like were gonna believe a thief!

Zelda: It is true! The Great Deku Tree was cursed by Ganondorf!

Mido: Outsider! Leave and take your lies with you!

Flunkie1: Yeah get outta hear!

Flunky 2: Scram!

Flunky 3: Beat it!

Zack: I can prove it. Look. _He holds up the Kokiri Emerald_ He gave this to me before he died.

Mido: You stole from the Great Deku Tree!? How dare you? You've already committed murder and now you steal from the victim? Who do you think you are?

Zelda: Please leave us alone. We didn't do anything wrong.

Mido: Lies! All lies! Boys, get them!

Link: Stop! _He walks over_ I vouch for Zelda! She speaks the truth!

Mido: No one cares who you vouch for! You're all going to be severely punished!

Zack: Shutup! _He stabs Mido in the leg_

Mido: AHHH! _He falls over_

Flunkies: Boss! _They crowd around him_

Gozz: Now's are chance! Run!

_They run to the other shop_

Shop owner: Hello how may I help you?

Zack: Get me a bomb bag, 20 bombs, and 3 pouches of Deku Seeds

Shop owner: Your total is 93 rupees.

Zack: oh crap… _He searches his wallet and puts 50 rupees on the counter _Yo Gozz! Got any cash?

Gozz: I got 15 I robbed off some hobo… _He puts his 3 blue rupees on the counter_

Oh Zelda…

Zelda: What?

Gozz: Need some cash…

Zelda: No! I'd never give my money to a jerk like you.

Gozz: Okay den… _He knocks her out and searches her purse_

Zack: How much?

Gozz: She has 2 cents…

Shop Owner: I still need 28 more rupees…

Zack: Link!

Zack: Need some dough.

Link: Umm let me see hear… _He searches his wallet_ Hey where'd my rupees go?

Gozz: I have no idea…

_He and Zack grin_

Gozz: Hold on a sec… _He leaves and runs into Mido's house_

_He sees Mido's stash and he takes it and heads back to the shop_

Deku Shrub: Move it buster!_ She shoves by Zack and gets some deku nuts _

Gozz: Back!

Zack: Finally! What's that?

_Gozz pulls out Mido's piggybank and dumps some rupees on the counter_

Zack: Count it yourself. Were leaving. _They leave_

Link: Hey you're heading to the exit of the forest. Where are you going?

Zelda: I'm taking them to Hyrule for a special job. Wanna come?

Link: If I don't then who will protect you? Count me in.

Zelda: The more the merrier!

_They leave the forest and end up on a bridge_

Zack: Hey what's this? _He picks a strange instrument off the ground_

Zelda: It looks like an ocarina.

Zack: Oca-who?

Zelda: It's an instrument! You make music with it!

_Zack blows a short note on it_

Zelda: No! Don't do that!

Zack: I thought you were supposed to make music on it.

Zelda: You do. But… _She shivers_

Gozz: But…

Zelda: It could have cooties!

Zack: I'll take the risk. _He pockets it and they walk out of the forest_

Gozz: So…where are we?

Zelda: Were in Hyrule field. We need to get to Hyrule Castle.

_Zack scans the horizon_

Zack: I don't see any castle

Zelda: It's a ways down this road. Follow me.

???: Hoot hoot hoo!

Gozz: Where the heck? Who said that?

???: Hoot hoot hoo! I see you!

Zack: There! _He points up into a tree_

_They see a an enormous owl perched in a tree_

Gozz: That's one big ass owl!

Owl: Hoot hoot hoo! I see you! Do you want to hear what I said again?

Zack: Not really.

_They keep walking_

Owl: Hoot hoot hoo! I see you! _It flies after them_ Do you want to hear what I said again?

Gozz: No we don't. Get outta hear!

Owl: Hoot hoo hoo! I see you! Do you want to…

Gozz: That's it! _He shoots a deku seed into its face_

Zack: BAM! Right in the beak!

Owl: Hooters…_It falls dead at their feet_

Zelda: How could you? That owl had done nothing wrong!

Gozz: It was annoying as hell!

Link: So rude and violent! Such ignorance toward nature!

Zack: It's getting dark. We should camp here and make a fire.

Gozz: M'kay. _He farts, starting a fire_

Zack: Wowzerz! How'd you do that?

Gozz: You should see me burp…

Zelda: That's it! _She storms off_

Gozz: What's her problem?

Zack: She's just jealous…

Gozz: Probably… Boy am I hungry.

Zack: I know what's on the menu tonight!

Navi: You don't mean!!!

Zack & Gozz: Owl stew!

Link: Absolutely not! I will not stand for this!

Zack: What does it matter? He's dead.

Link: HE? HE? You don't even know if it's a he! You never asked him or got to know him. You just killed it because it followed you! You are the lowest beings on this planet!

Zack: Whoa don't drag me into this.

Link: Drag you in? You're even lower! You didn't raise a finger to stop him. You just go "Bam, right in the beak!" and chuckle away!

Zack: Nobody "chuckled"

Link: You are an embarrassment to humanity! I hope you enjoy your chuckles while you can because one day your gonna get stabbed in the back!

_A skeleton rises out of the ground behind him and stabs him with a spear_

Link: AUGH! _He falls over_

Zelda: AEI!!!! _She goes running past them_ COOTIES!!!

Zack: What the hell's going on?

_Dozens of more skeletons pop up_

Gozz: Take Link not us!

_The skeletons grab Link and do "things" with him_

Link: Where are you putting that? AHHH! OH GOD!!! Get that out of my…_gag choke_

Zack: We'd better get out of here! _He and Gozz haul ass after Zelda_

Gozz: Do you even know where were going?

Zack: Of course! She's just up ahead!

Gozz: That's a wall!

Zack: This way! _He makes a sharp turn and falls down a hole_ Oof!

Gozz: Nice.

_Zack get's up and dusts himself off_

Zack: Hey check this out.

_Gozz hops down_

Gozz: A waterfall?

_They're in some sort of underground temple with a large tablet and waterfall in the center_

Zack: I wonder who built this place.

Navi: This is the work of fairies!

Zack: Really? Thanks.

Navi: I'm serious! See that tablet by the waterfall? There'll be music notes engraved on it. Playing that song will summon a Great Fairy.

Zack: Why would I want to do that?

Navi: It'll summon a great fairy!

Zack: What's so great about fairies?

Gozz: Let's try it. See if she's lying.

Navi: Fairies don't lie!

_Zack walks over and looks at the tablet_

Navi: Well?

Zack: I can't read music.

Navi: I'll read you the notes.

Zack: I can't play music either.

Gozz: Just try.

Zack: Okay. Here it goes. _He plays a screeching, hell of a note that could wake the dead_

Gozz: My ears! _He clamps his hands over his ears_

???: WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO PLAY?

_An enormous, ugly fairy comes flying out of the waterfall_

Zack: Nobody. It's my first time.

Fairy: An aura of evil surrounds you! _She points at Zack_

Zack: I love you too…

Fairy: Yes…Quite an evil aura indeed…

Gozz: What about me?

Fairy: UGH! Your mind is dirtier then the Hulk's underwear!

Gozz: Oh yeah? Your bust is faker then WWE Wrestling!

Fairy: HOW DARE YOU?!

Zack: Can't we all just get along and make babies?

Fairy: Oh. A funny guy. So tell me funny guy, you're from the forest aren't you?

Zack: Yeah.

Fairy: Where is your fairy companion?

Zack: She's in a safe place.

Navi: Save me Queeny! _She rattles in her bottle_

Fairy: Release that innocent fairy!

Zack: What's in it for me?

Fairy: How about some magic powers?

Zack: Magic? Right…

Fairy: You doubt me?

Zack: Yeah. You have an aura of a scam artist…

Fairy: You want proof? Here! Take all the magic you can! _She surrounds him in a green aura_

Gozz: Me too!

_The fairy covers Gozz in green_

_The light fades_

Fairy: Well?

Zack: KA…ME…HA…ME…..HAAAAAAA!!!He aims his hands at the Fairy

_A puff of smoke comes out_

Gozz: Amazing!

Fairy: It takes time to develop. You won't be blasting people away anytime soon.

Zack: Liar! You made that smoke yourself!

Fairy: You mortals dare challenge me? Is this your way of thanking me for bestowing you with a gift so valuable that the gods themselves…

_They leave while she's talking_

Zack: What a waste of time. Let's look for Hyrule.

_After a while, they reach Hyrule Castle and walk inside the market_

Zack: Not bad! What should we check out first?

Gozz: The One-Stop Shop.

_They walk into the shop_

_A bell dings and the manager and a janitor look up_

Manager: Who let the little tykes in?

Janitor: Scram children! Were busy!

Zack: You don't look busy. You're not even sweeping Mr. Janitor.

_The Janitor puffs out his chest_

Janitor: Janitor? I'm head custodian! Soon to be Captain of Cleaning!

Zack: Wow. Shoot for the stars why don't you. Get back to work.

Janitor: I'm done!

Gozz: You missed a spot. _He kicks a shelf of jars and glasses and it starts to tip over_

Manager: Catch it Tony!

_The janitor runs forward to catch it_

Tony: I got it! _He manages to stop it from falling_

Manager: Good job!

Gozz: Missed a spot. _He kicks over a bucket of oil_

_It leaks over to Tony_

Tony: No! I'm slipping!

Manager: Don't drop it!

Tony: AEI! _He slips and the shelf falls making jars and glasses shatter and drip goop_

Tony: Noo…

Manager: YOU'RE FIRED!!!

Zack: See you Captain Clean.

_Tony sobs as two guards drag him out_

Manager: What do you brats want?!

Gozz: I want THAT! He points to a big steel shield

Shop Owner: Bwahaha! That's a Hylian Shield. It's tough for grown men like me, the brave Gemma, to use. You couldn't lift that thing in a million years! Besides! It costs 80 rupees. You can't afford it!

Zack: What kind of manager insults his customers? If we don't buy stuff you go out of business. Show some respect.

Gemma: After you ruined my floor and fired Tony?! I think not.

Zack: I didn't fire Tony. You did.

Gemma: Don't give me lip punk. Either buy something or leave.

Gozz: You won't let us buy anything!

Gemma: You want the shield? Here! Take it! It's your funeral! _He pulls it off the wall and drops it on the counter_

_Gozz picks it up_

Gozz: Wow. This thing _is_ heavy.

Gemma: I warned you. Now get out!

Zack: Ok. _They head to the door_

Gemma: Hey! Where's my money?

Gozz: You didn't say anything about paying. Besides, you missed a spot. _He kicks over a shelf of meat and it splatters on the ground_

Gemma: Damn you!

Zack: That should keep him busy. _They leave_

Gozz: Yo yo yo! Check out the shooting gallery! _He nods to a store_

Zack: Let's go see. _They walk inside_

Manager: Welcome to Sharpshooters. You wanna play?

Gozz: How much is it?

Manager: One game is 10 rupees. If you can knock over all the targets you'll win a fabulous prize! Are you in?

Gozz: Fuh sho! _He gives the manager 10 rupees_

Manager: All right, if you already got a bow or slingshot you're good to go. You only get 5 shots so aim carefully.

Gozz: I got this. _He walks up to the counter and aims at a tower of bottles_ Bingo!

_He shoots a seed and it hits dead center in the middle of the bottles_

_The bottles don't budge_

Gozz: What the heck? _He shoots 4 more seeds but they all do nothing_ What is this?

Manager: Guess you just have a bad shot. Thanks for playin, bye!

Gozz: Hold on. _He hops over the counter and goes up to the bottles_

Manager: Hey! No customers are allowed back there!

_Gozz tries to push the bottles over but nothing happens_

Gozz: These things are cemented in! You cheated me!

Manager: Time to leave! Bye!

Gozz: Time to gimme a refund faggit!

Manager: Nope! You lost! Leave!

_Zack grabs a goodie bag from the display_

Zack: C'mon forget it.

Gozz: I hope you choke on a big fat…

_Zack drags him out of the store_

Gozz: Why'd you do that? I oughta give that guy a piece of my mind!

Zack: I grabbed a prize bag. Here. _He hands it over to Gozz_

_Gozz empties it in his hand and examines it_

Gozz: What is this? A bladder?_ He looks closer and prods it_

_The bladder screams extremely loud_

Gozz: That's my prize? Screaming testicles? What kind of twisted store is that guy running?

Zack: We might as well drop off our stuff at an inn before we go to the castle.

Guard: Look out!

_A gang of brown and white poodles come prancing out of an alley_

Guard: Take cover! _He barricades himself inside a shop stand_

Gozz: Aww they won't hurt you. _He goes to pet one_

_A dog leaps up and bites his butt_

Gozz: YEOW! Run for your life! _He and Zack run down the street_

_The dog growls and gives chase_

Zack: A house! Hurry up! _They open up the door and run inside_

Lady: Hooligans! Rushing in at this hour! GUARDS! Help!

Gozz: Shut yo grill woman!

Zack: We were chased here by a killer dog.

_They here a growl and the dog comes in the house_

Gozz: Oh my god he followed us in!

Lady: Oh! You've brought me my sweet dog Fredrick Dickens XXIV! How may I ever repay you? OH! I KNOWS! _She pulls out a card and hands it to Gozz_ Take good care of it. It's been passed down generation to generation.

Gozz: A hotel reservations card. Whoopdeefrickendoo!

Lady: Bitch! I oughta take this napkin and smash it threw yo head! _She grabs a napkin_

Zack: YEARGH! _They run out_

Gozz: Let's see where this inn's at. _They wander the streets for awhile and eventually find it_

Zack: What's with the iguana? He opens up an iguana-handled door and walks in

Bellhop: Welcome to Iggy's Inn! Will you be staying with us this evening?

Zack: Yeah. Here's my card. _He passes the card to the bellhop who punches a hole in it and returns it_

Bellhop: Room 62 is open. It's right down that hall past the picture of Iggy. Have a good night.

Zack: Thanks. They_ walk down the hall_

Gozz: There's pictures of the same iguana everywhere! Nice directions huh?

Zack: Yeah. _They eventually find their room and walk in_

Gozz: There he is again! _On the wall hangs a picture of an Iguana wearing a crown_

_It's eyes look at them and it wags its tongue_

Zack: Ignore it. _They dump their stuff and leave_

Zack: Hey guard!

_A guard walks over_

Guard: Yes?

Zack: Which way to the castle?

Guard: its north of here but you won't be able to enter at night. And you need an appointment to be let threw the gate.

Zack: Thanks anyways.

Gozz: What are we gonna do?

Zack: Zelda said the Royal Family had a job for us. The Royal Family's at the castle. Maybe if we tell them Zelda sent us we can get in.

Gozz: Maybe.

_They head north and eventually reach a gate_

Guard: Halt! Who goes there?

Zack: We need to find Zelda? Do you know where she is?

Guard: Of course! She's in the castle.

Zack: We need to speak with her. Can we go threw?

Guard: Absolutely not! No one get's threw at night!

Zack: What about tomorrow?

Guard: You'd still need to have a summons. Do you have one?

Zack: No. Where can I get one?

Guard: You'll have to give me a letter to the king explaining why you need to see him and I'll deliver it to him. If he accepts your request I'll give you a summons which will let you threw.

Zack: How long will that take?

Guard: About 3 days.

Zack: Never mind. _He and Gozz walk over to a cliff to talk_

Gozz: How are we gonna get past him?

Zack: We can't climb the gate. And if we knock him out then that'll alert the other guards that something's up and we'll never get out without getting caught.

Gozz: So what are our options?

Zack: We can wait or…

???: Or you can do me a favor.

_They spin around and see a red-head girl_

Zack: Who're you?

Girl: I'm Malon. I heard you guys need to get to the castle.

Zack: Right.

Malon: Well I might be able to get you threw. My dad delivers milk to the king and he's not back yet. We got a summons to let us threw the gate and I have a copy of it. You can use that to get threw.

Zack: But the guard said no one can get threw at night.

Malon: I know but my dad's way late. I'm sure you can persuade him to let you go get him.

Gozz: What's in it for you?

Malon: I just want you to tell my dad to get his lazy ass outta there and back home!

Zack: We'll do it.

_She hands him the summons and leaves_

Zack: Well let's give this a shot… _They walk back up to the guard_

Guard: You guys again? What now?

Zack: Well, ya see, are dad delivers the milk to the king.

Guard: Talon? Yeah, what about it?

Zack: He's not back yet and it's been 4 hours. We need to find him.

Guard: I can relay a call to the other guards to look for him.

Zack: No don't worry about it. Listen, we'll get him and leave. It'll only take 10 minutes.

Guard: I'm sorry but no un-authorized personnel are allowed threw at night. You'll just have to count on us.

Gozz: But sir, he hasn't taken his medicine today! We really need to bring it to him. He could be unconscious somewhere.

Guard: Give me the medicine. I'll deliver it.

Zack: But then you'd have to leave your post. Just let us go.

Guard: Hmm…well, as long as you promise not to do anything stupid I guess I can let you can go. But you have to be quick. And watch out for the other guards, they won't be as understanding as me.

Zack: Thanks.

_The guard opens the gate and they walk threw_

Zack: Nice thinking back there Gozz.

Gozz: Thanks. _They follow a winding road threw a field and come to another guarded gate_

Zack: Oh great. There's 2 of them. How are we gonna get past them?

Gozz: I got an idea. _Gozz backtracks threw some trees for cover and comes up off to the left side of the guards_

_He sets down the screaming testicles on the ground and runs back over to Zack_

Zack: What'd you do?

Gozz: Watch.

_Gozz loads up his slingshot and shoots the testicles_

_They scream_

Guard 1: What the hell was that?

Guard 2: It came from over there! _They run over to the noise_

Gozz: C'mon lets go! _He and Zack double-time it over the gate and end up next to a moat_

Zack: Your really on a role today Gozz. Great plan.

Gozz: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Zack: Now let's see if we can get inside. _They scan the perimeter_

Gozz: No good. The drawbridge is up. The only thing out here are guards and water.

Zack: Where's the water coming from?

Gozz: Probably some drains from the castle garden.

Zack: Maybe we can get inside threw one of those drains.

Gozz: There's one right there! _He points out a hole in the wall_

Zack: Were goin in!_ He and Gozz climb threw and end up in the castle gardens_

Zelda: You guys are late. She and Link are standing in front of them

Zack: Sorry. We had some trouble getting in.

Zelda: Excuses excuses. I guess you all should know I'm Princess Zelda.

_A minute passes_

Gozz: So?

Link: Show respect and bow!

Zack: No. Get to the point. Why'd you call us out here?

Zelda: When I came to Kokiri Forest I was on the look-out for the Hero of Legend.

Gozz: Ooh! Legend! Is it story time?

_Zelda shoots him a dirty look_

Link: Do not mind these boys…please continue…

Zelda: Thank you my dear. I found the hero while I was in the forest. He's standing here in this courtyard.

Gozz: Who is it and why should we care? I thought you had a job for us.

Zelda: Blunt as ever. I believe my fathers friend Ganondorf is seeking to steal the Triforce. The hero and his companions must go retrieve the 3 spiritual stones and bring me the Triforce before Ganondorf can get it. I ask you now if you will help me protect the Triforce and this land from the evil Ganondorf. Will you take my quest?

Link: Of course my lady. Could you possibly tell us which of us has the honor of being the hero?

Zelda: Yes, the hero is…

_A few seconds pass_

Gozz: Say it already!

Zelda: I'm building suspense!

Link: The suspense is killing me!

Zack: WHO?!

Zelda: Link

Link: Zelda! I will lay down my life for this quest. I will not fail!

Zelda: I know you won't Link.

Zack: Why does he need our help?

Zelda: Everybody needs help. Duh!

Zack: Not good enough. I'm not interested.

Zelda: Did I forget to mention the reward?

Gozz: Reward? _He rubs his hands together_ What kind of reward are we talking here?

Zelda: Whatever you want.

Gozz: Now you've got my attention. I'm down for it.

Zack: How do we know you can get us what we want.

Zelda: I'm a princess! I can bitch and whine to get anything I want.

Zack: True… We'll do it.

Zelda: Great! The first place you'll want to go is Kakariko Village. Good luck!

???: Wait!

_An Arabian looking woman comes walking over to them_

Lady: I am Impa. You must learn this song. It will let everyone know that your connected to the Royal Family. _She whistles a song_

Zack: I already know that song. I saw it written on some rock.

_She ignores him_

Impa: Now you try!

Gozz: Try this! He_ flips her a bird and leaves_

Zack: Whatever. _He plays the song_

Impa: Wonderful! It's almost like you heard it before!

Zack: …

Impa: Bye! _She disappears in a flash of light_

Zelda: Good luck!

Link: Let's go!

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

RE-WRITE. :)


	3. TRex

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT:II

_Chapter 3- T-Rex_

_After leaving Hyrule and heading east, they come upon the entrance to Kakariko_

Link: There's the stairway to Kakariko!

Zack: I see it already.

_They walk up a flight of stairs and into the village which is protected by a guard_

Gozz: This place is a lot bigger then the forest.

Link: Come now, we haven't much time for sight-seeing.

Guard: Ding dong! Ding dong!

Zack: Yes?

Guard: I'm a clock soldier of Kakariko! The current time is yesterday!

_Zack checks his watch_

Zack: You might want to check again

Guard: Ding dong! Ding dong! The current time is tomorrow!

Gozz: You're broken.

Guard: Hm…I'll have to look into this…_He twists his nipples and his chest swings open_

Zack!

Guard: Let me just replace this…_He rips some batteries out of his stomache and puts in new ones _That should do it.

Link: How are you feeling?

Guard: Error! Error! Does not comply! _His head starts spinning alarmingly fast_

Zack: We'd better get going! _They hurry by him_

_An old geezer walks over to inspect them_

Geezer: Outsiders! Be gone at once! You don't belong!

Zack: Who do you think you are old timer?

Geezer: I'm the boss of the carpenters! My sons are worthless! They all must die!

Link: You don't mean that! I'm sure deep down you love them sir.

Geezer: That's a load of Kokiri crap! You damn elves need to stay in your forest where you belong! _He walks away muttering_

Zack: Well were not exactly getting a warm welcome.

Link: He must just be having a bad day. Poor man.

Gozz: Yeah sure. Where do we go from here?

Link: I am not sure. Perhaps we can ask for help here.

Zack: Let's go ask over there. _They walk to a nearby house and knock on the door_

Link: Anybody home? Were travelers seeking help.

_There's no answer_

Navi: They could be sleeping.

Zack: Who cares? If they are I'll wake 'em up. Hey! _He bangs on the door _Open up!

Gozz: I'll open it. _He kicks the door in_

Link: My word! Was that necessary?

Navi: Absolutely not!

_They walk in_

Link: I'm sorry for the commotion, our friend…_A skritching noise fills the air_

Zack: Uh-oh.

_A mutated skulltulla/human drops from the roof in front of them_

Skulltulla: Collect the coins and save my family! We'll make you rich!

Gozz: IT'S ALIVE!!!_ They run back outside_

Zack: That was close.

Link: You two needn't cause so much commotion. You're making this more difficult then it needs to be.

Gozz: To bad. Were just doin this for the reward. Finding directions is your problem.

_Link huffs and walks up to a gate_

Zack: Is this where we need to go?

Link: Yes. This map says that this trail leads up Death Mountain to the Goron's City.

Gozz: Death Mountain? Doesn't sound that safe to me.

Zack: Well we gotta go. So let's move it. _He pulls on the gate but it's locked_

_A guard walks over_

Guard: The roads closed! Can't you read the sign? Oh yeah, your just kids and you can't read yet. Bwahaha!

Zack: There is no sign buddy.

Guard: Oh yeah, I forgot your just kids and you can't see signs yet! Bwahaha!

Link: Sir, it is of the utmost importance that we travel up the mountain. Were doing a favor for the princess and it requires that we go this way. We need to get threw.

Guard: That's a load of crap! Zelda wouldn't send 3 children on an important mission!

Gozz: It's true! She did!

Guard: Spare me the banter! Do I look like a fool?

Zack: Yeah.

Guard: That's enough out of you boy. One more smart-ass remark and your gonna find yourself in a cell.

Zack: You won't do shit! You're soft.

Guard: That's it! You're coming with me!

Zack: I don't think so. _He looks at Gozz and winks_

_Gozz circles behind the guard_

_The guard runs towards Zack _

_Zack draws his sword and the guard steps back_

_Gozz gets down on his hands and knees behind the guard_

Zack: Gotcha! _He pushes the guard who falls backward over Gozz and slams into the ground_

Guard: Ugh…_He struggles to get up but fails_

Gozz: Nice teamwork.

Zack: He has to have the key on him _He takes the gate key off the guard's belt and opens the gate_

Link: Your methods are needlessly violent but at least we can go.

Zack: Yeah. Look on the bright side. We can go!

_They head up the trail_

Gozz: This sucks. It's a long way up.

Link: It'll be good exercise. Think positive.

Gozz: I'm positive its gonna suck.

Link: Come now! It's not so bad! Look at all the scenery!

Zack: Wow. Rocks, dirt and mud. Can't see that everyday!

Navi: What's that? That rock is moving!

_They look up ahead and see a large boulder shake_

Gozz: Rocks don't shake. Rocks roll.

Navi: It's getting up!

Gozz: IT'S ALIVE!

Link: It's a Goron!

_The "rock" gets up and walks over to them_

Goron: Hello. I am a Goron.

Link: Greetings. I am a human.

Gozz: You're an elf. And a gay one at that.

_Link ignores him_

Link: Tell us Goron, how are you doing?

Goron: We Gorons eat rocks. But there is a big rock blocking the way to our rock cavern.

Zack: Then why don't you just eat it?

_The Goron moans, curls up in a ball and goes to sleep_

Link: How charming! Were almost there boys! Fall in!

_They travel further up the trail and meet another Goron_

Goron: Hello travelers. Interested in the local legend?

Link: Am I ever!

Goron: Well, you see our great ancestor the T-Rex spoke of a beautiful fairy who dwells at the top of this mountain. The end.

Zack: Nice "legend".

Link: How interesting! I must investigate this!

Goron: Many a man have tried to climb to the peak of this mountain but all have failed. Some say the beauty of the fairy drives them to their doom.

Gozz: I'd hate to see someone you think is hot. I'd probably puke.

Goron: You don't mean that. Our great ancestor T-Rex…

Zack: You don't look anything like a T-Rex! You don't have scales. You don't eat meat. You don't even have a tail!

Goron: It's the tail on the inside that counts.

Zack: No. You're an embarrassment to the Gorons!

Goron: No…

Zack: You've stained your ancestor's good name!

Goron: No…please…

Zack: If the T-Rex saw you now he'd kill you for your foolish words! He'd eat you alive you Goron scum!

Goron: Noo! Father! I've failed! _He cries and jumps off the mountain_

Link: MURDERER! _He tackles Gozz_

Gozz: I didn't do anything!

Link: You scoundrel! You'll pay your crimes with your blood! Die!

_Gozz slams his shield down on Links head_

Link: Ughh…_He slumps over_

Gozz: Little freak! What the hell's wrong with him?

Zack: He's an elf. C'mon let's hurry up.

_They follow the trail to the entrance to Goron city and walk in_

Goron: Welcome! _He jumps onto a tightrope and runs over the top of the city_

Navi: How dangerous!

Zack: Cool!

Gozz: I wanna try!

Zack: There's no way you can walk that rope. If you fall you'll be deader then Elvis.

Gozz: If that chunky Goron can do it then I can!

Goron: No you can't. You're too ugly.

Gozz: That's coming from a guy who thinks he's a T-Rex. Watch me! _He cautiously steps out onto the tightrope and begins to walk across_

Zack: He's actually doing it.

Goron: You're gonna fall and die! You'll splatter the floor with your ugly body and contaminate this city!

Gozz: Shutup! I'm almost there…

_The Goron grins and grabs the rope_

Zack: Uh-oh.

Gozz: Don't!

Goron: Toodles! _He yanks the rope and Gozz falls off and plummets into the city_

Zack: Damn! That's a long fall!

Navi: We should check on him!

Goron: Why bother? He's definitely dead. I'm gonna have to call the cleaning crew to mop up his remains.

Zack: Ah shutup. He ain't dead.

Goron: You better close that mouth of yours before you find it stuffed full of sweaty Goron wang!

Zack: What the hell is wrong with you?

Goron: Me? I'm not the ugly human who can't walk across a tightrope, let alone get laid.

Zack: Oh yeah? Watch me! _He steps out onto the rope_

Navi: Don't do it! It's a trap!

Zack: Shutup! I'm gonna prove this fool wrong. _He walks out about halfway_

_The Goron grins and grabs the rope_

Zack: Oh hell!

_The Goron yanks it and sends Zack tumbling down_

Goron: Nice trip see you next fall!

Zack: You little UGH! _He crashes into the ground_

Gozz: You alright? _He helps Zack to his feet_

Zack: Yeah. I'm gonna kill that Goron.

Navi: I told you not to do it.

Zack: Silence fairy! That's enough our of you for today!

Gozz: I don't see a way out of this hole.

Zack: Did you try that door?

_Gozz turns around and sees a big wooden door_

Gozz: I think it's locked. _He pushes on it but it doesn't budge_

Navi: Look!

Zack: I said be quite! You've lost your talking privileges for today.

Navi: But…

Zack: I said silence! _He grabs her bottle and looks at the door_ How'd you like to get smashed against this door?

Navi: It's a Triforce door!

Zack: Eh? _He peers closer at it and makes out a Triforce symbol on the door _Well look at that! Gozz! I think the Triforce is behind this door!

Gozz: Really? How do we get in?

Zack: I don't know. We could knock…

Navi: Play the song!

Zack: What song do you speak of?

Navi: The song Impa taught you!

Zack: That Taliban lady? I don't think it will do anything.

Navi: Give it a shot! What have you got to lose?

Zack: Oh alright…_He pulls out his ocarina and plays the song_

_The door opens_

Zack: I was right!

Gozz: You're always right!

Zack: Ain't it the truth?

Navi:…

_They walk threw the doorway and into a large chamber with another door_

Zack: No symbol on this one. _He knocks on it _Anyone home?

…: Who dares to disturb the great Darunia at this hour!?

Zack: I do. Let me in.

Darunia: State your business if you dare…

Zack: Were doing a favor for Zelda. She told us to come here.

Darunia: That's rubbish! Leave at once!

Zack: I'm serious!

Darunia: I'm serious! Leave now!

Zack: I can't just…

Darunia: LEAVE!!!

Zack: Listen to me you ugly geek of a Goron! If you don't open up I'll…

Darunia: Geek? Hahaha! Come in and say that to my face.

_The door opens and they walk in_

Zack: Where are you, you gay…_He sees Darunia_

_Darunia stands 6 ½ feet tall and weighs 400 pounds of rock solid muscle_

Darunia: Hello.

Gozz: Whoa!

Navi: Dear me!

Zack: Uh…

Darunia: You got something to say?

Zack: Yeah!

Darunia: And what's that? Sorry?

Zack: You wish! You have something I need!

Darunia: Do I now?

Zack: Yeah ya do!

Darunia: What is it you need?

Zack: The Triforce!

_Darunia laughs_

Darunia: I don't have the Triforce you foolish boy. The Triforce is in the Temple of Time in Hyrule.

Zack: It is? Then why didn't Zelda just tell us? We could have had it by now.

Darunia: You can't just waltz in and take the Triforce. It's protected by an impenetrable wall that only opens to the Ocarina of Time when all 3 spiritual stones are present.

Zack: Ocarina of Time?

Darunia: It's an artifact passed down threw the Royal Family. It possesses mysterious power.

Gozz: I don't believe you! You have the Triforce hidden here so you can eat it! Hand it over!

Darunia: You bore me. Either shutup or I'll be forced to snap you in half.

_Gozz shuts up_

Darunia: As I was saying earlier I have no intention of believing that the Royal Family sent two kids here.

Zack: Will this change your mind? _He waves the Kokiri Emerald in front of his face_

Darunia: I'll be darned. So it is true huh? Then you must be here for the Goron Ruby.

Zack: Yeah. Like you said, we need all 3 stones to open the door.

Darunia: I'll give it to you under one condition.

Zack: What's that?

Darunia: My people and I are in a dilemma. A boulder is blocking the entrance to our rock cavern which is where we get our food.

Zack: We heard this before.

Darunia: But you haven't heard this. Inside is a terrible monster. Even if we move the boulder we still wouldn't be able to get rocks safely.

Zack: So what do you want us to do? We can't move boulders.

Darunia: But you won't have to with these. _He produces 2 gold bracelets and gives one to him and Gozz_

Zack: What are these?

Darunia: They are Goron bracelets. Wearing these will allow you to harvest the bomb flowers on the mountain. Use the bracelets to bomb the boulder. Then kill the monster inside the cavern. If you do this for me then you may have the ruby.

Zack: Ok. We'll do it.

Darunia: Excellent! I pray for your safety. Good luck.

_They leave Goron city and head back down to the bottom of the mountain_

Zack: He said there was a big boulder. Shouldn't be hard to find. Ah! There it is!

_They walk over to the big boulder_

Gozz: When he said big boulder I didn't think he meant this big

_The boulder towers over them, easily 50 feet tall_

Zack: Ain't no thing but a chicken wing. Let's find one of them bombs.

_He and Gozz fan out and search the ground for bomb flowers_

_A Goron wanders over to them_

Goron: What are you doing?

Zack: Were lookin for a bomb so we can blow this big boy up.

Goron: Why? Do you know what's in there?

Zack: Yeah. That Darunia guy said there was a monster in here. He said if we kill it we get the Goron Ruby so he we are. But we can't find any of these flowers…

Goron: I'll help you look. I can recognize their scent.

Gozz: Scent? Right…

Zack: Well start sniffin!

_The Goron waddles around sniffing the air _

…:YOU!!! _Someone stomps over to them_

Gozz: Link!

Link: I finally found you, you Goron slaying scum!

Zack: Let's forget the whole thing ever happened.

Link: Absolutely not! Murder is a crime!

Gozz: So is walking around in a skirt you Chippendale wannabe!

Link: I've about had it with your snide remarks thief! Shut your trap or I'll shut it for you!

_Gozz opens his mouth to say something back but Zack interrupts him_

Zack: Guys, guys. Chill. We're lookin for a bomb flower so we can help these Gorons. Let's put this off for later.

Link: Fine! But I shall not forget what I cannot forgive! _He turns on his heel and looks for flowers_

_A few minutes later_

Zack: Find anything?

Link: Nothing yet sir.

Zack: How about you?

Navi: Not a thing sir.

_Zack looks over to Gozz and the Goron_

Zack: You?

Gozz: We ain't found shit! _He grabs Link's hat and throws it on the ground _

Link: Hey! _He bends over to pick it up _Hey!

Gozz: Hay is for horses.

Link: Look! I found one! _He pulls a bomb flower out of the ground_

Zack: Good. Blow that bad boy to gravel!

_Link throws it against the boulder and it explodes blasting it to pebbles_

_Gozz whistles_

Gozz: Pretty strong!

Goron: Oh marvelous! Now all you have to do is kill the unbeatable King Dodongo and get out of his un-escapable lair and we can get all the rocks we need!

Zack: Wait a second. What did you say?

Goron: Good luck! _He runs off_

Gozz: That didn't exactly fill me with confidence.

Navi: Are you gonna go or what?

Zack: Keep your shirt on…

_They walk in_

Gozz: Come on out king! We know you're in here and we know you're scared!

Link: That-a boy! Make him scared!

_A voice rings out in the darkness_

…: Come on in here then….

_A hole appears in the floor_

Gozz: I'm not about to jump into this hole. This could be your pit stop!

…: Then I guess I'll make you jump in…

_The floor cracks and they fall threw landing in a room with a large pond of lava in the center_

…: Welcome friends…_A shape steps out of the shadows_

_Its and enormous dinosaur_

Link: Dear me

Dodongo: ROAR!!!!! _He breathes fire at them_

Zack: Wha-ha-ho! _He leaps out of the way_

Dodongo: Nice huh?

Gozz: I'm more afraid of the smell then the fire. Ever heard of toothpaste?

Dodongo: Ever heard of cooked Caucasians? _He breathes more fire at them_

Gozz: Don't fail me now! _He blocks the fire with his shield _Nice! Stolen merchandise is always the best!

Dodongo: You are beginning to bore me. Now you die! _It runs at them_

Link: Repent demon! _He throws a deku club at Dodongo_

Dodongo: HAHAHA! NO WEAPON CAN PIERCE MY SKIN! _He gnashes his teeth at Link and grabs his vest_

Link: Put me down this instant or you'll regret it!

Dodongo: HAHAHA! _He tosses Link up in the air and opens his mouth to catch him_

Link: Bingo! _He drops a bomb flower into Dodongo's mouth_

_Dodongo still has his mouth open and Link falls in_

Link: That wasn't supposed to happen! NOOO!!!

_Dodongo swallows him with a gulp and turns to them_

Dodongo: Now for you…_He falters and his eyes bug out _Oh my…That elf tasted worse then I thought…_ The bomb detonates and Dodongo is reduced to dino-chunks_

Link: AHHHH!!! _He lands in a puddle of Dodongo droppings_

Zack: That was pretty amazing! How come you didn't blow up?

Link: How come you didn't help?

Zack: Well…I don't think I'm qualified.

Gozz: Me neither!

Link: Cowards! You're lucky I didn't die. What would you do without me?

Gozz: Probably go clubbing.

Link: Clubbing? We have a quest to complete! That's our top priority.

Zack: That's your top priority. We're just in it for the money.

Link: Money? What good's money if there's nowhere to spend it? If we don't get these stones and save the Triforce then Hyrule will be tossed into an era of darkness! Doesn't that matter to you?

Zack: Not really.

_Link sighs_

Link: Let's just return to Goron city

_They travel back to Goron city and visit Darunia_

Darunia: Back so soon?

Zack: We killed the monster.

Link: We!? I killed the…

Zack: Please forgive Link. He's not feeling very well.

Darunia: I am forever in your debt. You have saved my people.

Zack: So can we have the stone?

Darunia: Of course. Here you go. _He gives the ruby to Zack_

_Zack puts it in his pocket_

Zack: Thanks. We're gonna go now.

Darunia: One last piece of advice. Travel to the top of this mountain and visit the Great Fairy who dwells there. I'm sure she can help you.

Link: We'll do that. Thank you!

Darunia: Take care.

_They leave Goron city and head further up the mountain_

Gozz: It's getting really steep.

Link: That Goron must be right about no one making it to the top.

Zack: That Goron also said he was related to a T-rex. I wouldn't take it seriously.

Gozz: It's just a mountain. What could happen?

_Suddenly big flaming rocks rain down on them_

Zack: Holy pickles and prostitutes! Run for your life!

_They sprint up the mountain_

Link: We're almost there!

_A group of rocks tumble down at him_

Link: No! _He brings up his shield but it shatters and he's knocked off the mountain_

_The rocks stop falling_

Zack: That sucks.

Navi: Link!

Gozz: He can't hear you. Let's just find this fairy.

_They spot a cave and walk in_

Fairy: What a surprise! I haven't had a visitor in 300 years!

Gozz: Good for you.

_Navi rattles in fury_

Navi: Don't talk to the Great Fairy like that!

Fairy: It's quite alright. These boys are just tired from their journey.

Zack: Darunia said you could help us. How?

Fairy: I sense you have obtained magic recently.

_Zack nods_

Zack: We met another Great Fairy near Hyrule.

Fairy: But it looks like you haven't learned to use it yet. I can help you out. For basics, concentrate your energy to your sword.

Zack: Ok. _He squeezes his eyes shut and concentrates_

_The whole length of his sword glows a light blue_

Fairy: You did it!

Zack: Whoa!

Gozz: I wanna try!

Fairy: Now direct that energy to the tip of your sword to increase its power at that point.

_Zack concentrates again and the light intensifies_

Fairy: Now attack and release the energy at the same time

_Zack slashes into the wall and a deep crack forms_

_The light flares and fades_

Zack: Pretty cool. I should always fight like that.

Fairy: You can't. Doing that drains your magic energy considerably. It'll take you hours to recharge completely. You could probably do it 3 times a day. Now Gozz, I want you to try a more advanced technique.

Gozz: Alright. What do I do?

Fairy: This is called Dins Fire. Imagine heat from the sun rushing to your hand. Gather as much as you can.

Gozz: Ok. _He concentrates and an orange glow surrounds his hand_

Fairy: Now form it into a ball and throw it.

_Gozz grins evilly as the ball forms_

Gozz: I HATE FARIES! _He turns and throws his fireball at the Great Fairy_

Zack: Whoa!

Navi: Noo!

_The Great Fairy surrounds herself in a blue barrier and reflects the fire away_

Gozz: Sorry. I have bad aim.

Fairy: Me too. _She shoots a huge fireball at Gozz_

_Gozz jumps to the side but it homes in on him and nails him_

Gozz: Uhhh…_ He falls over_

Navi: That's the power of a Great Fairy

Zack: Wow! How'd you do that?

Fairy: That's an extremely advanced spell. You won't be able to control it yet. Come back when you're older and I'll show you. And take this with you.

_She surrounds him in a blue aura_

Fairy: Now you can do the teleporting spell, Farore's Wind. It can also be used to boost your speed temporarily.

Zack: How do I do it?

Fairy: Just think of a place you want to go and imagine yourself there. It takes a little while to figure out but you'll pick it up soon. And you can only do it once a day so use it wisely. Good luck on your journey.

Zack: Thanks _He drags Gozz out of the cave _Get up fool!

Gozz: Wha…? _He slowly climbs to his feet_

_A flapping sound fills the air and a shadow passes over them_

Zack: There it is!

Gozz: No way!

_It lands on a sign in front of them_

Zack: It's the huge ass owl!

Gozz: We ate you!

Owl: I am Kaepora Gaebora and I was reincarnated as a bigger, better owl. If you need help getting down the mountain I can lend you a wing. Grab onto my feet!

Zack: Why not?

_They grab his feet_

Owl: Hoot, hoot, hoo! _He flies into the air_

Gozz: Were flying!

Owl: Hoo…_He has a heart attack and tumbles out of the air_

Zack: Were falling!

Zack & Gozz: AAAHHHHH!!!!

_They land on top of a house in Kakariko _

Gozz: Oh…my… _He slowly stands _Remind me to never trust an owl again.

Zack: Remind me to never go back to the mountain. I don't wanna end up like Link.

Gozz: You think he's dead?

Zack: I hope he's dead.

Navi: You have no soul! How can you be so heartless?

Zack: Shush. If you wanna talk then help us. We need to know where to go next.

Navi: Follow the lake in Hyrule Field upstream.

Gozz: What's up there?

Navi: I'll tell you if you let me out.

Zack: That's ok. We'll find out ourselves.

_They leave Kakariko_

Zack: Here's the lake.

_They hear footsteps and turn to the sound_

Gozz: Link! Back from the grave!

Link: How could you guys leave me like that? Why didn't you help me?

Zack: What did you want us to do? Jump down after you?

Link: You're impossible. Anyways, we have some things to discuss. The first being Ganondorf.

Gozz: Ganondwarf?

Zack: Ganondork?

Link: No! GanonDORF! He's the guy who's trying to steal the Triforce.

Zack: What's the big deal about the Triforce anyway?

Link: Whoever has the Triforce can grant wishes. We can't let him get it!

Gozz: Why not?

Link: Because he's evil! He'll be Hyrule's downfall if we don't stop him. He'll use the Triforce to rule the world.

Zack: I wouldn't mind having this Triforce.

Link: You can't have it either!

Zack: Why not?

Link: The Triforce is sacred. You're not allowed to have it!

Gozz: Then who gets it?

Link: Once we obtain the Triforce we are to bring it to Zelda.

Zack: Why?

Link: She'll keep it safe from Ganondorf.

Gozz: She can't keep it any safer then we can! And in the mean time she'll be using it to make all her dreams come true. Can you imagine Zelda's fantasies a reality? _He shivers_

Link: It doesn't matter what you think! That's what's going to happen. Now, we have a short errand to run.

Zack: You've been getting pretty comfortable giving out orders.

_Link ignores him_

Link: We need to go to Lon Lon Ranch.

Zack: I don't want milk.

Link: Were not going for milk!

Gozz: I don't want eggs.

Link: Were not going for eggs!

Zack: I don't want to shovel horse crap.

Link: Were not shoveling horse crap! We're going for weapons!

Zack: A ranch with weapons?

Link: Yes

Zack: Do tell.

Link: A man named Ingo gets weapons off the black market and sells them for cheap. I think now is a good time to better arm ourselves.

Gozz: You finally come up with a good idea Link! Good job!

Zack: Where's this ranch?

Link: It's Northeast of here. Follow me.

_After a short walk they reach the ranch and go inside_

Malon: Hey! _She walks over to them _What are you guys doing here?

Link: We're here to speak to Ingo.

Malon: He's in the barn out back.

Zack: You live here?

Malon: Yeah. Just me, my dad, and Ingo. Speaking of my dad, thanks for getting him to come home.

Gozz: We didn't…

_Zack cuts in_

Zack: Hey, no problem

Malon: I must thank you

Zack: You must

_She kisses him_

Gozz: No fair.

Link: What a spick and span ranch! Ah! Look at those lovely horses!

Malon: See the little red one? She's mine. Her names Epona.

Link: C'mere Epona!

_The horse screams in terror and runs away_

Gozz: I guess she doesn't like gay guys.

Malon: Isn't she cute?

Gozz: Not as cute as you!

_She ignores him and turns to Zack_

Malon: She'll come to you if you play her song.

Zack: That's odd.

Malon: Want me to teach you?

Zack: Sure

_She sings a tune_

Zack: Like this? _He copies it on his ocarina_

Malon: Perfect! You shall be rewarded.

Zack: I shall

_She makes out with him_

Gozz: noooooo….

Link: uh….

_They stop_

Link: Come on! We gotta go buy our stuff.

Zack: Gotta go. Later.

_Malon waves goodbye_

_Link leads them to the barn and they knock on the door_

_Ingo opens the door_

Link: We're here Ingo

Ingo: Good! Hurry in! _He ushers them inside_

Zack: Not bad _He examines the weapons_

Ingo: Thanks. See this beauty? _He points to a mean looking sword with 2 blades _I stole her from a Gerudo merchant last week.

Zack: Lemme get that.

Ingo: It costs 120 rupees. It's top of the line.

_Zack digs into his wallet and dumps the money on the counter_

_Ingo gives him the sword_

Ingo: That's a genuine razor sword. It'll last you a long time

Zack: Thanks. Here ya go Link _He tosses Link the Kokiri Sword_

Link: Finally.

Gozz: I want that dagger.

Ingo: Ah! The punch dagger! That'll rip a hole threw a Gorons belly. I'll give it to ya for 50 rupees.

_Gozz pays him and gets his dagger_

Link: I need a…

Zack: Time to go! _He and Gozz sprint out of the ranch and run all the way back to the lake_

Navi: How could you do that?

Zack: We just could.

Gozz: Look at this sign. It says "TO ZORAS DOMAIN"

Zack: I don't like that word. It sounds dangerous.

Navi: Zoras are friendly.

Zack: No I meant "Domain"

Navi: Domain means place you moron!

Gozz: It's probably a dangerous place…

Navi: You guys are hopeless. You'll be fine! Just go!

Zack: Alright. _They follow the river upstream_

_0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

_REWRITE. :)_


	4. Gweedo the Magnificent

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT:II

_Chapter 4- Gweedo the Magnificent_

Navi: That must be the cave!

Gozz: That tiny hole? That's not a cave. That's a rabbit hole.

Navi: C'mon! Don't be such a baby!

Zack: Lets check it out _He walks in and Gozz follows_

Gozz: Cool!

_They're inside a giant cavern filled with pools and a big waterfall_

Zack: I wouldn't mind chillin here for awhile.

Navi: There's no time for "chillin". We have to get the Zora Sapphire.

Gozz: Where is it? This place is pretty big.

Zack: I bet the Zora Chief has it.

Gozz: Master Chief?

Zack: You know, whoever's in charge. Kings are usually at the top of level so we're goin up.

_They follow a winding ramp to the top of the cave_

Gozz: What is that?

_Sitting in front of a gate is a giant, ugly fish frog looking thing wearing a crown_

Zack: It looks like it crawled out of cave trolls ass!

Gozz: Disgusting!

Navi: You don't look so good yourself Gozz.

Gozz: Oh yeah? Why don't you stop glowing so we can all see that ugly mask you call a face fairy freak!

King: Oh my poor Ruto, where art thou? Boo-hoo! Oh woe is me!_ He sobs_

Zack: Hey King!

King: Boo-hoo! Ruto, where art thou?

Zack: Hey! Yo!

King: Boo-hoo! What do I do?

Zack: Talk to me!

King: Boo-hoo! I haven't a clue!

Navi: What's wrong your highness?

King: I can't find my daughter Ruto anywhere.

Gozz: Well getting off your ass and looking might help.

Navi: Gozz!

King: It's true! I'm to fat and lazy to look for her. But I must find her. Boo-hoo!

Zack: Do you know where the Zora Sapphire is?

King: Not exactly.

Zack: What does that mean?

King: Ruto has the Zora Sapphire with her.

Zack: If I find her can I have it?

King: Yes. Anything if you find her for me. Boo-hoo!

Gozz: Stop crying! It's not like she's dead or something.

King: Dead? Oh don't say that! You'll make me worried.

Gozz: Well she could be lying in a hole unconscious with her legs broken.

King: No! Boo-hoo!

Zack: Or she could be cut up inside a Dodongo's stomach.

King: Stop it! Boo-hoo!

Gozz: Remember that story on the new last year?

Zack: The one about the kidnapped Zora?

Gozz: That's the one!

King: No! It's not true! Boo-hoo!

Zack: Yeah. The Mexicutioner kidnapped that young Zora girl and locked her in a cell inside Death Mountain.

King: No!

Gozz: For 3 years!

King: No!

Zack: And fed her bomb flowers!

King: No!

Navi: Stop it!

Gozz: And made her drink gasoline!

King: No!

Zack: And then he lit a match and threw it down her throat!

King: No!

Gozz: BOOM!!! Zora fireworks!

King: NOOOO!!!! _He stands up in rage _I'll kill you!

Zack: Calm down Gollum. We'll get your precious.

King: No. You are evil. You will pay. RAHH!!! _He hops off it's throne and stomps toward them_

Gozz: He'll squish us flat!

_He and Zack turn and run down a hallway_

King: There is no escape!

_The hallway ends at the top of the waterfall_

Zack: That's a loooong way down.

Gozz: He's gaining. What are we gonna do?

Zack: Shoot him!

_Gozz fires some deku seeds at the King but it does nothing to slow his advance_

Gozz: It's not working!

Zack: Uhh….Dins Fire! _He charges up a fireball_

King: I have you now! _He brings up his foot to stomp them_

Zack: Jump!_ He and Gozz leap off the top of the waterfall and splash into the water below_

Gozz: He's not following us. Thank god.

_The King pulls a lever and it opens up a hole at the bottom of the pool_

Zack: What's that noise?

King: I hope you like my drain pipe! Goodbye!

_The drain pipe sucks them down_

Zack: Noo!!!

_They try to fight the current but they are dragged into the hole and shot out of a pipe _

Gozz: Air!!! _He gasps and takes big breath-fulls of oxygen_

Zack: Where are we?

Link: Lake Hylia.

_They spin around_

Zack: What are you doing here? How'd you find us?

Link: You two aren't exactly hard to find. I just follow the chaos.

Gozz: Ha! Your funny Link.

Link: We need to save Ruto. Stop swimming and get out.

Zack: How do you know about Ruto?

Link: I found this. _He hands Zack a piece of parchment _I found it in a bottle on the shore

Gozz: What's it say?

Zack: It says "Come for me. I'm waiting inside Lord Jabu Jabu's belly. P.S- Don't tell my father"

Gozz: What the hell? Jabu Jabu's Belly? Is a restaurant?

Zack: I have no idea.

Link: We have to go back and tell the King.

Zack: Were not talking to the King. He's crazy.

Gozz: He attacked us for no reason!

Navi: No reason! You two were…

Zack: Hey! Looky here! A fishing pond.

Gozz: Let's do it.

Link: We don't have time for fishing! We need to save…

_Zack and Gozz walk into the fishing store_

Fishing guy: Hello. My name is Gweedo the Magnificent and welcome to the greatest show on earth! _A dorky lookin man hops over the counter wearing a wizard hat and carrying a wand_

Gozz: I thought this was a fishing pond.

Gweedo: Ladies and Gentlemen, Faries and faggits, brace yourselves for more excitement then you can possibly handle!

Zack: This should be good.

Gweedo: For my first trick, I will make any member in the audience swear at my will.

Link: Swearing is terrible! I'd never swear!

Gweedo: You! Fag in the green. Come here.

_Link walks over to him_

Gweedo: What's your name?

Link: My name is Link.

Gweedo: I don't like that name. Your new name is Cuss-o-rawma. So tell me Cuss, how are you feeling?

Link: I feel gr…

Gweedo: That's nice! And where are you from?

Link: I'm from Ko…

Gweedo: Cool! How's the whether up there?

Link: It's..

Gweedo: Excellent! I'm glad to hear it.

Gozz: This is great.

Gweedo: So Link. Are you ready to be at my complete mercy?

Link: I shall never swear! Ever!

Gweedo: Really? Never?

Link: Never! The day I swear I'll cut my toes off!

Gweedo: Please sit in this chair _He directs Link to a chair and straps him in_

Link: Is this necessary?

Gweedo: Please repeat what you just said. You will never swear?

Link: Never!

Gweedo: And if you do you'll cut off your toes?

Link: Yes!

Gweedo: All of them?

Link: Yes!

Gweedo: With a rusty wood saw?

Link: Yes!

Gweedo: Ladies and gentlemen. Little Cuss thinks he can withstand my powers.

Zack: No way!

Gozz: Your Gweedo! No one can stand up to you!

Gweedo: Exactly! Now Cuss, we will begin. Cuss, you are

Link: My name's not Cuss…

Gweedo: Shutup! _He punches Link in the nose_

Link: OW! What was that for?

Gweedo: No one interrupts Gweedo the magnificent. Now Cuss, if you were walking down the street and a thief jumped you and stole your sword would you swear?

Gozz: That actually happened.

Gweedo: Did it now? And did he swear?

Gozz: Like a sailor!

Link: That's a lie! I never…

_Gweedo punches him in the nose again_

Gweedo: No talking when the audience is in conversation with me. Now where was I? Oh yes. Now Cuss, I'm going to make you swear by gradually subjecting you to more and more pain. If you can make it threw all 5 levels of pain without swearing, you'll win a fabulous prize. But if you fail, then I get to cut off your toes with a chainsaw! Ready?

Link: Let me out of this thing!

Gweedo: Lets begin. First, I shall give you a titty twister with this here clamp. Ready?

Link: No! Let me…

_Gweedo clamps onto his nipple and spins it around 360 degrees_

Link: AHHHH!!! Heavens to Betsy of Murgatroyd! Help me guys!

Zack: Nope.

Gozz: Sorry, were not allowed to interrupt Gweedo's show.

Gweedo: Level 2. Now I will smash your thumb with this Viking battle hammer. Ready? Go!

_He slams the metal hammer onto Links hand_

Link: GOOD GRACIOUS!!! AHHHH!!!! _He jerks at his restraints but he can't get free_

Gweedo: Hmm…Playing tough are we? Time for Level 3. Say hello to my pepper spray. I hope you your not wearing contacts cuz your about to be maced in the face. Ready? Go!

_He sprays Links eyes with a whole bottle of mace_

Link: My eyes!!! It burns!!! Help me!!!

Navi: Link!

Gweedo: Silence Fairy! Now you can participate to. Give me that bottle.

_Zack hands Navi's bottle to Gweedo_

Zack: Bye Navi.

Navi: You can't do this!

Zack: I just did.

Gweedo: Level 4. I'm going to pass an electric current with 5000 volts of electricity threw Navi's bottle. And for Link, You get to be covered in chicken blood. Navi first. Ready, go!

_He tazers Navi's bottle_

Navi: ZAHHHH!!!! _Her light flashes and she drops to the bottom of the bottle_

Gweedo: Now Link. Ready? Set? Go!

_He dumps a vat of chicken blood over Link, mainly his crotch_

Link: That didn't hurt at all.

Gweedo: But Level 5 will. I'm gonna let my pit bulls loose to feed on the chicken blood. They really love that taste.

Link: NOOO!!!! HELP ME!!! IM THE HERO OF TIME!!!YOU CANT DO THIS!!!

Gweedo: I can and I will. _He whistles _Come here boys!

_A pack of pit bulls run over to Link and growl_

Link: no…

Gweedo: Sic em!!!

Link: NOOOOOOO!!!!! AHHH!!!!

_The pit bulls tackle him and tear at his crotch with their teeth taking massive mouthfuls of meat _

Link: My baby makers! They ate my baby makers! AHHH!!!!

Zack: It's not like you were ever gonna use them.

Gweedo: Hmm… Well, you didn't cuss so, go home boys!

_The dogs walk off to their dog houses_

_Link is sobbing miserably and writhing in agony_

Gweedo: You're the first person to ever win. Congratulations!

Link: WIN!? YOU CALL THIS WINNING!!! F YOU!!!

_Everyone gasps_

Gweedo: Uh-oh. You just swore.

Link: I already won. It's over.

Gweedo: It's not over until I say its over. And now it's over for your toes. Let me get my chainsaw… _He walks into a back room_

Link: Help me guys. Help…

Zack: Oh fine. Let's get him Gozz… _They un-strap Link _

Gozz: I'll take this. _He snatches a bottle off the prize display_

_Zack picks up Navi and they leave_

Zack: Ok Link. We're taking you to Zora's Domain. Maybe they have a doctor there. Who knows?

Gozz: Who cares?

_They laugh_

_After an hour, they arrive back at Zora's Domain. They drop Link off at the clinic and return to the Kings chamber_

King: Boo-hoo! What do you want now?

Zack: We have news from your daughter.

King: Really. What?

Zack: We found a letter by Lake Hylia. It said "Come for me, I'm waiting inside Lord Jabu Jabu's belly." Do you know what that means?

King: Inside Jabu Jabu? This is impossible!

Zack: What is Jabu Jabu? Some kind of club?

King: Jabu Jabu is my giant pet hippo.

Gozz: Hippo? Your daughter was eaten by a hippo?

King: Apparently not, or else she couldn't have sent this letter. You need to go save her. If you do that then you can have the Zora Sapphire.

Zack: I'm not sure this rescue is gonna work. We're going inside a giant hippo. How are we gonna get out?

King: I'm sure you'll figure it out. Now go. He lives in the shrine behind me.

Gozz: Well move it already.

_The King slowly butt crawls to the side of his throne while making a weird chirping noise_

_They walk past him_

Zack: That's Jabu Jabu?

_An enormous hippo sits in the water in front of them_

Gozz: I don't wanna go in that thing. The Deku Tree was bad enough.

Link: Wait for me! _He walks up to them_

Gozz: How are you feeling Link? More aerodynamic?

Link: The doctor fixed me up fine, thank you very much. Everything's back where it belongs.

Gozz: They put your ovaries back in?

_Zack laughs_

Link: What are these ovaries you speak of?

Zack: Don't worry about it. Let's get in this hippo. Open up! _He snaps his fingers in Jabu Jabu's face_

_It stares at him unblinking_

Gozz: Maybe if we got it some food…

Zack: Like what?

Jabu: FISH!!!

_They spin around and look at it_

Zack: It can talk?

Jabu: FISH!!!

Gozz: I think it wants fish.

Jabu: I SMELL FISH!!! _It stares at Links crotch_

_Zack and Gozz burst out laughing_

Zack: Gozz you were right! Link does have ova…WHOA!!!

_Jabu Jabu sucks them inside its mouth_

Gozz: This is gross! _He carefully steps between mountains of rotten food_

Navi: Well at least were inside. Now all you have to do is find her.

Gozz: Where could she be?

Link: Probably further down.

_They walk down the throat_

Navi: I see her!

_They come into a chamber and see Ruto_

Ruto: Who is you?

Link: I'm Link, the Hero of Time and…

Gozz: He had to throw that in there…

Link: …we were sent here to rescue you.

Ruto: Rescue me? Shit…I ain't need no Hero of Time's help!

Link: We received your letter and it said…

Ruto: What letter is you talkin bout?

Gozz: Don't play dumb guppy girl! Just give us the sapphire and we'll leave.

Ruto: Don't yell at me white boy! I oughta slap yo ass. Comin in here orderin me round and shit. Do you know who I'm is?

Zack: You're a ghetto princess and your coming with us.

Ruto: In yo dreams child. I'll do whatever I damn well please!

Link: Your father is worried about you! Please go see him!

Ruto: Screw you, yo Dairy Queen lookin ass. That hat makes you look like a damn ice cream cone.

_Zack and Gozz laugh_

Navi: Ruto, listen to us! You need to…

Ruto: I need to kick yo ass, that's what I need! You best close those nasty fairy lips of yours for I shove my fist down your throat. Yaw meen?

Zack: Well if you won't leave then can you just give us the sapphire? We need it.

Ruto: I tell you what. If you helps me I'll help you.

Zack: What do I gotta do?

Ruto: Jabu's sick. There's a nasty ol' virus in here killin him. You busta cap in his viral ass and you'll get your bling. Yaw meen?

Zack: Word.

Gozz: Where is it?

Ruto: It's just down the tunnel behind me. Hurry up.

_Zack, Gozz, and Link walk down the tunnel_

Gozz: Ow!

_Something drops from the roof and conks him on the head_

Gozz: What is this? _He bends over and picks it up_

Zack: What?

Gozz: I found me a boomerang! Yeah! Let's go kill us a virus!

_They walk into the room at the end and a "door" locks behind them_

Zack: Uh-oh.

Link: Here it comes!

_A jellyfish lookin blob plops down from a hole in the ceiling _

Gozz: I'll take care of this _He shoots it a few times with his deku seeds_

_Every hit makes the blob grow bigger_

Gozz: Die already! _He shoots it over and over_

_The virus continues to grow_

Zack: Stop it! Try something else

_Electricity builds up on one of its tentacles_

Link: Watch out!

_It shoots it out and it zaps Gozz_

Gozz: ZAHHHH!!!! _He falls over twitching_

Link: Attack! _He and Zack rush the virus_

_Link slashes its tentacle and is shocked_

Link: AHHH!!! _He drops his sword_

_Zack stabs it in the center_

_The virus wraps a tentacle around Link and continues shocking him_

Link: AHH-AHH-AHH! _He flails around wildly_

_The virus throws Link into Zack and they crash into the wall_

Zack: Oof! _He pushes Link off him_

Gozz: Zack! Your sword did nothing!

Zack: I know. I got an idea though. _A blue glow surrounds his sword_

Gozz: Smart! _A red light flares in his hand_

_The virus charges up a storm of electricity _

Zack: I got it! _The light shines intensely at the tip_

Gozz: Me too! _Fire envelopes his right hand_

_The virus unleashes it deadly charge at them_

Zack: Holy!

_The arches of lighting scream toward them from every angle_

Zack: Don't fail me now! _He spins around in a circle and the magic spins around him and deflects the lightning _

Gozz: Burn! _He throws the fireball into the virus_

_It slowly moves toward them building another charge_

Gozz: No way!

_Suddenly it stops and shakes, then implodes_

Zack: That's what I'm talkin about!

_They high five_

Link: Good job. Now let's get out of here.

_They return to the King with Ruto_

King: Thank you for finding my daughter. You may have the sapphire as agreed. _He tosses it to Zack who puts it in his pocket_

Zack: Alright. We got em all!

King: I must somehow show my appreciation. Ah I know! The one named Gozz may have my daughters hand in marriage!

Ruto: You crazy pops? That cracker ain't touchin me!

Gozz: No thanks.

King: Now now you two. You must! It's tradition!

Ruto: But pops…

King: I'll hear nothing of it! You two shall be wed this evening.

Gozz: Hell no!

King: Excuse me? I said this matter is not open for discussion. You two will become husband and wife and…

Gozz: Make a bunch of freak fish babies? No way!

King: You must! Or you may not have the sapphire.

Zack: I already got it.

King: Then if they will not marry I will take it back.

Zack: In yo dreams child! I'm outta here.

Gozz: Me too!

King: You'll not leave here a single man Gozz! You and my daughter will be like peas and carrots! You'll make the perfect…

Gozz: I'M NOT F A FREAKIN FISH!!!

Zack: Bye! _They high-tail it out of Zora's Domain and head back down the river where they encounter a strange man_

Gozz: Look at that fat guy! What's he eating?

Link: Looks like beans.

Zack: A true beaner!

Beaner: Hey my man! Check it out!

Zack: What?

Beaner: Have I got the deal for you!

Zack: Do you?

Beaner: That's for you to decide. Check out this bag _He holds out a bag of beans labeled "Green Beans"_

Zack: It has beans.

Beaner: Wow! I'm impressed!

Zack: Who cares if you're impressed?

Beaner: I do. Wanna know why?

Zack: Why?

Beaner: Because. You wanna cuz why?

Zack: Why?

_The beaner grins_

Zack: Why dammit!

Beaner: These are some magic beans!

Gozz: Looks like green beans to me.

Beaner: Looks can be deceiving. Look at me. To you I probably look like an incredibly handsome, extremely physically fit body builder. But in reality I'm an invincible Bean Lord from the North with enough strength to topple buildings!

Gozz: To me you look like an incredibly obese, extremely greasy burger boy. But in reality you're a fat, stinky beaner who lost his green card and is tryin to sell Marijuana seeds off as beans to get money to buy a new one!

Beaner: Nonsense! Buy some beans!

Gozz: Keep your damn beans to yourself!

Beaner: But they're magic!

Zack: This isn't Jack and the beanstalk homey! Get off the pipe every once in a while!

_They walk away_

Beaner: I'll remember this! _He shakes his fist in rage in between mouthfuls of beans_

_They walk towards Hyrule Castle_

Zack: Well we finally got all 3 stones!

Gozz: Now we get our rewards!

Zack: Yeah!

Link: Thank you both for your help on this quest. We might not have gotten along very well but at least we got the job done.

Navi: Amen!

Zack: Shutup. Once I get my reward I'm buying a mansion!

Gozz: I'm buying Hyrule!

_A thunderstorm starts and Hyrule's drawbridge raises_

Zack: Ah man! Now we gotta wait till morning for it to open! Dammit!

_Suddenly the drawbridge lowers and Zelda and Impa go riding by on horseback_

Zack: Where the heck are you going!? We got the stones! GET BACK HERE!

_Zelda turns and throws something towards them and it lands in the moat_

Gozz: Who's that? _He points to a dark figure riding a black horse_

Link: GANONDORF!

Ganondorf: Argh! I lost them! You three! _He turns to them _You must have seen the white horse go by just now…Which way did it go?

Gozz: Sorry. Momma said not to talk to strangers.

Ganondorf: ANSWER ME!!!

Zack: Ah shutup Ganondork…

Link: DON'T!

Ganondorf: You've got guts kid. You got guts. And I'm gonna spill them all over the ground if you don't tell me where that horse went!

Zack: Try me.

_Ganondorf laughs_

Ganondorf: Alrighty then. _He forms two purple energy balls in his hands _One for you and one for mommas boy.

Gozz: We got one for you two. _He and Gozz try to form Dins Fire_

_Nothing happens_

Gozz: I can't make a fireball!

Zack: Me neither!

Link: You used it up fighting the virus!

Ganondorf: That's your hope? Fire? Ha! Try these on for size! _He shoots them at Zack and Gozz_

_Zack tries to knock it away with his sword but it snaps in half and he gets nailed in the face_

Zack: AUGH!!! _He falls to the ground and lays still_

_Gozz tries to block it with his shield but it blasts a hole threw it and hits him in the chest_

Gozz: UGH!!! _He crashes to his knees then falls on his face_

Ganondorf: Pathetic little fools! Do you realize who you are dealing with!? I am Ganondorf and soon I will rule this world! _He gallops off_

Link: Are you guys alright?

Zack: Yeah…Give me a couple hours…

Gozz: Me…too…

Link: I warned you! But you had to run your mouths.

Zack: What did Zelda throw in the moat?

Link: Let me check. _He fishes it out and brings it over _It's the Ocarina of Time!

Zack: Gimme that! _He snatches it out Links hands and examines it _There's a message here. It's got song notes on it. "Play in front of the Door of Time"

Link: Let's go now!

_They follow Link inside Hyrule and into the Temple of Time_

Gozz: Wow…I feel underdressed.

Link: Look! The pedestal for the spiritual stones! Put them in!

Zack: K. _He puts them in _Now what?

Link: Now play the song of time.

_The air fills with the sound of the song_

_The door of time opens_

Link: This is it! _They walk in_

_In the center of the room is a sword set in a block of stone_

Link: The Master Sword! Only the Hero of Time can pull it out.

Gozz: It's MINE! _He tugs at it but it doesn't move_

Link: Zelda said I'm the Hero of Time remember? Only I can use it! _He grabs the hilt and pulls but the sword remains stuck _WHAT!? What has happened!? Something is terribly wrong!

Zack: Let me try. _He pulls the sword and it comes free _Huh? Whoa! _There's a blinding flash of white light _

_Suddenly Ganondorf's voice booms out_

Ganondorf: Geh heh heh! Excellent work! You've led me straight to the Triforce! I'll just take it and be on my merry way!

Link: No!

_The light flares up and Zack falls to the ground unconscious_

_0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

_REWRITE :)_


	5. Notes

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: III

_Chapter 5- Notes_

_Sometime Later_

…???: Wake up chosen one

_Zack sits up and looks around_

_He is in a white room with an old man_

Zack: Who are you?

Rauru: I am Rauru, one of the Ancient Sages.

Zack: Sages?

Rauru: Sages are the protectors of the medallions. We sages built the Temple of Time to protect the Triforce. This is the Chamber of Sages inside the Temple of Light. Seven years have passed since you pulled the Master Sword from its stone.

Zack: Seven years! _He looks at himself _I was sleeping for seven years?

Rauru: You were too young to be the Hero of Time when you pulled the sword. Therefore your spirit was sealed here for seven years. And now that you are old enough the time has come for you to awaken as the Hero of Time!

Zack: Wait! Did Ganondorf get the Triforce?

Rauru: Yes! He is now the King of Evil! 

Zack: Then why do you sound so happy?

Rauru: Because now we have hope! Find the other Sages and take this! _He gives Zack the Light Medallion _You must collect all 7 medallions! Only then will you have the power to fight Ganondorf!

Zack: Where's Gozz and Link?

Rauru: Who knows? They might not have survived these 7 years of evil. Look for them. They may be of some help.

_Zack is teleported to the Temple of Time_

Zack: Well he wasn't to helpful.

_He sees something dart out of the corner of his eye_

_A mysterious Taliban dressed lady appears_

???: I have been waiting for you Hero of Time! You must return peace to the world!

Zack: You must be very patient. Who are you?

???: I am Sheik, survivor of the Sheikahs…I know that you are Zack and that you must collect all 7 of the Sages medallions to stop Ganondorf. If you want to save the Sage from the forest you must first head to Kakariko Village.

Zack: Who's the Sage from the forest?

Sheik: Metaphorically speaking what is a sage? Is it a holder of a sacred medallion, or is it a dark shade of green?

Zack: Let me re-word that. Who holds the medallion from the forest?

Sheik: Hypothetically speaking what is a forest? Is it a place where trees grow, or is it implying the infamous Forest Gump?

Zack: NEVER MIND!_ He walks outside_

_Hyrule Market is deserted and run down_

Zack: Hmm…What are those things? _He sees some brown-zombie looking monsters_

Navi: They're called Redeads!Careful! They suck your brains!

Zack: I knew that_…He heads out of Hyrule_ Where's that light coming from? It's night time.

Navi: Look! Above Death Mountain!

_Zack looks up and sees a fiery vortex circling the top of Death Mountain_

Zack: Awesome!

Navi: That's not awesome! That's awful! The Gorons might need our help.

Zack: Gorons Shmorons…First I'll go check on Malon. _He walks to Lon Lon Ranch and enters _Hmm…I don't see Malon anywhere.

Ingo: Hey Zack! Wanna ride a horse?

Zack: Might as well…HEY! Epona's still here! _He plays Epona's song and the horse comes running over_

Ingo: What? How'd a city boy like you tame that wild stallion under my wee nose?

Zack: …

Ingo: How about a little race around the track? My best horse against Epona! And let's wager…say…100 rupees?

Zack: I've never rode a horse before. That ain't fair.

Ingo: Well you're in luck. For the unbelievable price of $19.95, you can get private lessons with Ingo the Horse Master.

Zack: I'm not interested.

Ingo: One payment gets you a one-on-one with the greatest horse rider alive. You'll get everything a beginning rodeo boy needs.

Zack: I'm not a rodeo boy. And I don't want…

Ingo: You'll get the Ingo saddle, the Ingo cowboy hat, the Ingo cattle rope, the Ingo boots and the Ingo belt buckle for an additional 20 rupees.

Zack: I don't care! I just want to…

Ingo: But wait! There's more! Call in the next 10 minutes and receive a can of Ingo's world famous chewing tobacco free! That's right! Free! Ingo's chewing tobacco is made from fresh cow pucker and pubic hair! A 30 dollar value, yours free!

Zack: SHUT! UP! All I want to do is ride the horse. I don't want your lessons, I don't want your boots, and I sure as hell don't want that can of cow crap!

Ingo: That can of cow crap is Hyrule's leading export! Farmers from all over the galaxy are flocking to own one of these babies! _He whips out a can of chewing tobacco_

_It has Ingo's face next to a pile of cow turds_

_His face is smiling and his teeth are brown with cow plops_

Zack: That's great. But I'm gonna ride without lessons.

Ingo: Really? Then you haven't a chance to win, you virgin horseback rider.

Zack: Whatever. Let's do this. _He climbs onto Epona's back_

Ingo: Heh…heh…heh…prepare to die. I mean LOSE! Ready? Set? _He starts running his horse _GO!

Zack: You little cheater_! He smacks Epona's side _Let's go!

Ingo: Eat my dust noob! _He gallops ahead and kicks dirt up in Zack's face_

Zack: Whoa! _He closes his eyes and holds on tight _We gotta get past him!

_Epona speeds up and pulls up along side Ingo to pass him_

Zack: Later!

Ingo: I don't think so! _He smacks Zack with his whip_

Zack: Yow! What the hell's your problem!?

Ingo: I won't lose to you! _He whips Zack again_

Zack: Dammit! Stop that shit!

_Ingo whips him again_

Zack: AHHH!!! _He screams a war cry and jumps off Epona and tackles Ingo off his horse_

Ingo: Ah! You cheater!

Zack: I'm cheating!?

Ingo: Yeah!

Zack: I'm not cheating! I'm gonna kill you! _He draws his sword_

Ingo: Muffin! Your master summons you!

_Ingo's horse turns around and charges Zack_

Zack: Whoa! _He dives out of the way_

_Ingo climbs back on his horse_

Ingo: Muffin! We must win the race! YAH! _He whips Muffin and they run back onto the track_

Zack: Epona!

_Nothing happens_

Zack: Oh yeah, I forgot. _He plays Epona's song_

_Epona runs over_

Zack: We can still win this. Let's go!

_Epona tears after Muffin and they pull neck to neck just before the finish line_

Ingo: No! Die! _He whips at Zack_

_Zack grabs the whip_

Ingo: Let go this instant you cheater!

Zack: Nope. _He pulls on the whip and Ingo falls off his horse_

_Epona crosses the finish line first_

Zack: How do you like them apples?

Ingo: Dang nabbit! Gosh darnit! Fiddle sticks, balderdash, poppycock, hogwash! You hooligan filled shenanigan!

Zack: Gimme my money.

Ingo: How about another race? If you beat me again, I'll let you keep Epona.

Zack: I'm keeping Epona anyways. Thanks for the horse.

_Ingo runs to the other side of the gate and locks it_

Ingo: You're never leaving this ranch alive you YELLOW BELLIED ONE-EYED LIZARD!

Zack: Open the gate.

Ingo: I don't think so you PINK FOOTED BUCK-TOOTHED BABY!

Zack: Do it or I'll kill you.

Ingo: I don't take orders from GREEN ARMED DORSAL FINNED HYENAS!

Zack: Ok then. Let's go Epona.

_Epona runs and jumps over the gate_

Zack: How about that you SEED SPITTIN SHIT SNIFFIN RED NECK!?

Ingo: Impossible! That's more unlikely then a SILVER THUMBED BADGER CONTORTIONEST!

_Zack steers Epona out of the ranch and runs her to outside Kakariko Village_

Zack: See you later Epona! _He dismounts and walks in_

Gozz: Zack! Long time no see! _He walks over_ Where have you been?

Zack: Trapped in the Temple of Time with an old man…

Gozz: How unfortunate…

Zack: So where's Link?

Gozz: Haven't seen him in years. After you "took off" he said he was going back to the forest. I stayed here and we haven't talked in years.

Zack: What's the deal with Hyrule?

Gozz: Ganondorf took over. He lives in Hyrule Castle now and he has tons of soldiers. No one can do anything to stop him.

Zack: When's the last time you saw him?

Gozz: He actually passed threw here a few days ago with some of his men. They were messing around with the well.

Zack: Hmm… _He sighs _Well I don't know why Sheik said I should go here…

Gozz: You've met Sheik too?

Zack: Yeah…she's…weird.

Gozz: I know what you mean. She used to run a lottery stand here. I bought a ticket and asked her if I would win a million bucks. She said "Neurologically speaking, what is bucks? Is it money or is it mature male deer?

Zack: 00'. Anything else I should know?

Gozz: Nothing much else has happened except all the Hylians moving from Hyrule to here when the Redeads appeared.

Zack: What about the Royal Family?

Gozz: They're all dead. Ganondorf killed them and took over the castle.

Zack: Zelda and Impa?

Gozz: I don't think they could've hidden from him for 7 years. And I never really like Zelda anyways so no big loss.

Zack: That's pretty harsh.

Gozz: I'm just saying…

Zack: Any idea why Sheik would tell me to come here?

Gozz: No idea. I've been everywhere here except…the graveyard!

Zack: You've been here for 7 years and you still haven't explored the whole town?!

Gozz: Unlike most people I have no joy in seeing the deceased.

Zack: Well let's go check it out. _They walk to the graveyard_

Gozz: What exactly are we looking for?

Zack: I don't know but Sheik said if I wanted to save the girl from the forest I would have to come here first.

Gozz: Well there's only one building here and that's the gravediggers shack. Let's take a look see. _He knocks on the door_ Hello? Anyone home?

Zack: Doesn't seem like it. Let's see what's inside. _They open the door and walk in_

Gozz: Wow this place is pretty bare…

Zack: What's that? A diary? _They walk over to a small workbench and open a notebook_

Zack: It says, "**If you are reading this then I am dead. However, if a mysterious lady named Sheik has told you to come here to save a girl from the forest then, boy, do I have the thing for you! Introducing the new hook-shot! Just pull the trigger and a long chain with a point at the end shoots out! After it sticks to something just press the trigger again and it will reel you in like a fishing pole! Useful to get to those hard-to-reach areas with ease!"**

Gozz: Wow, that's not a coincidence.

Zack: We should search the shack for it.

Gozz: I'm on it. _He starts dumping boxes on the floor and tearing pictures off the walls_ It ain't here!

Zack: Wait! I forgot to look at the back of the note! **"If you are reading this then you forgot to look at the back of the note after your companion has emptied boxes and torn down paintings in effort to find it. If you would kindly clean-up your mess I would be happy to tell you what to do next"** How is he gonna tell us what to do if the note ended?

Gozz: Dunno…better try though. _He hangs up the paintings while Zack puts the stuff back in the boxes_ Hey! There's a note on the back of this painting! **"If you are reading this then you must really be desperate for this hook-shot and you must have no life. What kind of loser goes around reading notes? I haven't hidden it in my house. I took it with me to the grave."**

Gozz: What kind of loser goes around writing notes and hiding them in a graveyard?

_They walk back outside_

Zack: Oh my god, there's like a hundred graves!

Gozz: Well let's start with that big one in the front.

_They pull back the tombstone and find a note_

Zack: "**If you are reading this then you decided to start with the big grave in the front. My grave is the one in the 3rd row 2nd to the left."**

Gozz: What is this guy, a mind reader?

Zack: I don't know but he certainly thinks ahead… _They walk to the 3rd row of graves and pull back the 2nd one to the left. It reveals a hole_

Gozz: Did he dig his own grave?

Zack: 00' umm… let's just go… _They hop down_

Gozz: GHOST! _A ghost of an old man floats in front of them_

Ghost: I am Dampe the gravedigger. You must be the losers who are trying to steal my hookshot..

Zack: We're not stealing anything. You said we could have it if we found it. Where is it?

Dampe: I'm not telling.

Gozz: Why?

Dampe: You gotta catch me first! _He turns and flies down a hallway_

Gozz: CHARGE!!! _They run after him and come to a junction_

Zack: Right or left?

Gozz: Look a note! **"If you are reading this then you are probably wondering if I went right or left. Just follow the fireballs I am throwing at you in an attempt to burn you alive."**

Zack: I see light to the right! _They run down the passageway_

Dampe: WEEEEEE!!! Burn_! He throws a million fireballs at them _FUN! _He flies away_

Gozz: Oh crap… _They run around back around the corner and the fireballs slam into the wall_

Zack: That was close! _They hurry after him_

Dampe: WEEEE!!!!_…He flips a switch and a huge hole opens up in the floor in front of them_

Gozz: That won't work against me_! He pulls out his slingshot and shoots the switch back down and the hole is covered up_

Dampe: BALLOON!!! _He starts flying away_

Zack: Slow-motion…moshun…MOW-SHUN! _He dives and his hand passes threw Dampe_ I caught you!

Dampe: Nope! Just my shirt! _He giggles and flies away_

Gozz: This guy is really pissing me off! _He and Zack resume their chase_

Dampe: WEEEEEE! Dead end!

Zack: _Now_ we got you! _He reaches forward to touch him_

Dampe: LOL! WANNA JOIN MY CLAN? _He flies through the wall_

Zack: You ass clown! _He throws a bomb at the wall_

_It explodes and they run threw the hole_

Gozz: There he is! After him!

Dampe: LOL! WANNA JOIN MY PARTY? _He throws more fireballs at them_

_Gozz blocks them with his shield_

Dampe: FART-KNUCKLE!!! _He flies away again_

Zack: This is getting old! _They run after him down a hallway filled with paper_

Gozz: We keep passing notes!

Zack: If we stop and read then we'll never catch him!

_Suddenly they are running on thin air and fall down into a large pit_

Gozz: Look…another note… **"If you are reading this then you didn't read the other notes that told you to watch out for the hole. You failed and I will leave you here to rot!"**

Zack: What a sad way to die. Chasing a demented ghost to your doom who likes to write notes.

_Dampe floats to the edge of the hole_

Dampe: WEEEE!!! FUN!!! _He looks down at them and cackles with glee _Hookshot for me!!!

Zack: Let us out of here!

Dampe: WEEEE!!! H.I.V!!! _He floats away_

Gozz: Maybe we can get out of here…

Zack: How? The walls are 20 feet high!

Gozz: Watch and learn_…He puts his back against one wall and his feet on the other and walks up the wall _See?

Zack: Good idea! _He climbs up the wall to and they wind up in another hallway_

Gozz: Look a n… never mind. I'll just read it. **"If you are reading this then you have found a way out of my pit. Just take a left and you will have the hookshot"**

Zack: Ok. _They take a left and all of a sudden a large cage falls on them_

Gozz: NOOO!! **"WEEE!!!! If you are reading this then you fell for it!"**

Zack: AHHHHHHH!!! I can't stand this!

Gozz: Hey, There's two tape recorders in here…One with each of our names on it. Here. _He tosses the tape recorder marked "Zack" to Zack_

Gozz: Let's listen to mine first…_He pushes play and a spooky voice starts talking_

Voice: Hello Gozz…I want to play a game. Most of your life has been spent stealing from others. Now you will have something stolen from you. In 5 minutes, my servant Gertha, the cave troll, will enter this cage. She will steal your virginity and your dignity. The only way you can stop this is if you hide behind the bottle. Be smart Gozz, or you'll never be able to hold your head up high again."

Gozz: Oh my god! Where's the booze? _He spots 2 refrigerators in the cage _Yes! _He tries to open them but they're locked _Noo!!! Zack, what's yours say? Hurry up!

_Zack pushes play_

Voice: "Hero of Time…I have a special game for you. Fate has chosen you to save Hyrule. Now you will choose your own fate. Inside this tape recorder are two keys. One for each refrigerator. Inside one is a bottle of booze. Inside the other is Scrub Norris. Choosing the bottle of booze will save Gozz from being violated. Choosing Scrub Norris will result in a terrible painful death. Choose wisely young Zack."

Zack: Interesting.

Gozz: So what do we do?

Zack: It's too risky to open up these fridges.

Gozz: So we're just gonna sit here?

Zack: Let's see what we got. I got a bomb, and 80 rupees. Maybe I blow a hole in the cage wall and get us out.

Navi: Are you crazy!? The blast will kill us all! The cage is to small!

Zack: Huh? Oh yeah I forgot about you…What do you have Gozz?

Gozz: I have a slingshot, a boomerang, my Hylian shield and this bottle of gold I stole from Gweedo.

Zack: I guess we're just gonna have to pick.

Navi: Wait! Let me see that bottle of gold!

Gozz: See? _He waves it in front of her_

Navi: That's gold dust!

Zack: So?

Navi: We faries make gold dust! Gold dust is valued by blacksmiths because it makes any metal easily shaped without heat!

Zack: So?

Navi: So sprinkle some of it on the bars of the cage and pull them apart!

Zack: Ok! _He throws some gold dust on the bars and pulls them apart_

Gozz: Yay! _They climb threw_

Navi: Aren't you going to thank me?

Zack: No. Shutup before I fill this bottle up with my pee and let you drown.

Gozz: Look, a note. "**If you are reading this then you have stolen a bottle of gold dust from Gweedo the Magnificent and put some on the bars of the cage to bend them apart after a fairy told you to. You may have the hook-shot."**

Zack: Where is it?

Dampe: LOL! I NEED FREE MONEY!!! _He floats towards them _Did you have fun?

Zack: Gimme the hookshot!

Dampe: You guys need to blitz more! _He throws him the hook-shot and leaves_

Zack: Now let's go to the forest.

Gozz: Ok_. They climb out of the grave, walk out of the graveyard, leave Kakariko Village, and ride Epona to the entrance of Kokiri Forest_

_0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

_REWRITE :)_


	6. Mr Poe

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: III

_Chapter 6- Mr. Poe_

Gozz: It looks…different.

Zack: Uh-huh.

_Large Deku Baba's guard the houses and no elves are anywhere to be seen_

Navi: Where is everybody? And what caused the Deku Baba's to grow here?

Gozz: Grow? I thought the elves bought them as guard dogs.

Navi: The correct term is Kokiri, not elf.

Gozz: Kokiri, elf, dwarf, midget, oompa loompa, smurf, I don't care what there called!

Navi: Calm down Gozz!

Zack: Let's check some of these houses.

Gozz: How about Mido's?

_They walk into Mido's house_

Zack: Good lord…

Gozz: What is this!?

_Posters of John Travolta in a thong cover the walls_

Zack: Why am I not surprised? Let's see what's in the VCR. _He ejects the tape and looks at it _Kokiri Man Orgy? Nice. I always knew he was a freak.

Gozz: Did you see these magazines? _He holds up an issue of "Kokiri Slut"_

Navi: I must admit I am disturbed.

Zack: Well he's not here. Let's try another house.

Navi: How about Links house?

Gozz: I wonder what Link keeps in his room.

_They leave and go into Links house_

Zack: What a fruit.

_Pictures of Link with "The Hero of Time!" written on them are slapped on the fridge_

_One says "Hyrule's Savior! What would we do without him?_

Gozz: Well he isn't full of himself.

Navi: What's wrong with a little inspiration?

Zack: This makes me sick.

_They walk outside_

Gozz: Where are they?

Zack: I have no idea. Supposedly elves can't leave the forest or they'll die. Maybe they're dead.

Navi: Or maybe they're in the Lost Woods.

Zack: I was hoping you wouldn't say that.

Gozz: The Lost Woods? Time-out! I hope you have a map.

Zack: Nope.

Gozz: It's called the Lost Woods for a reason. We'll get lost in there without a map.

Navi: Well we have to try to find them. They can probably tell us how to save the girl from the forest.

Gozz: Who is the girl from the forest?

Zack: I think its Saria.

Gozz: Saria?

Zack: She's a little psycho girl. I wouldn't mind leaving her in there.

Navi: Zack! It's your duty to save her! Stop dilly-dallying and go to the rescue!

Zack: Don't you get tired of coming up with different ways to tell me where to go?

Navi: Don't you get tired of coming up with excuses to not go?

Zack: Aww shutup…I'll go.

_They hike to the entrance of the Lost Woods_

Zack: I hope this wasn't a bad idea.

_They walk in_

Navi: Now start looking.

Zack: They could be anywhere! These woods are miles deep! No ones ever charted more then a few acres.

Gozz: Why?

Zack: Because they get lost and die if they go any deeper!

Navi: Legend has it that deep in the heart of these woods, past the Sacred Forest Meadow, is an ancient temple. That's probably where they are..

Zack: Which way is it?

Navi: I don't know. I've never been there.

_Gozz drops a rupee on the ground_

Gozz: Follow me then. _He picks a path and starts walking_

Zack: You know where to go?

Gozz: Nope. But were not getting anywhere just standing here.

_They continue walking for a few minutes_

Zack: This is where we started! These woods are like a prison.

Gozz: No it isn't. See, my rupee isn't here. I've been laying down rupees where we've been so we don't wander around in circles.

???: That won't help you!

_A scarecrow like figure hops out of a tree in front of them_

Zack: Not Skull Kid!

Skull Kid: Yes Skull Kid! I've been picking up your rupees for the last 10 minutes!

Gozz: Who is this guy?

Zack: I'm not sure. They say if someone gets lost in the woods for too long then they turn into a skull kid.

Navi: Now we're completely lost!

Skull Kid: It's true! You'll never find your way out or the way to the Forest Temple!

Zack: Show us how to get to the temple.

Skull Kid: No way Jose'.

Zack: Why not?

Skull Kid: Because you killed my father, Mr. Mo-Ho-Ho!

Gozz: Who would marry that guy?

Skull Kid: I was adopted but he loved me like a son. You took him away from me!

Zack: We didn't kill him! Link did!

Navi: How can you say tha…

Skull Kid: _gasp _Could it be true? Link was with you that day. Did he really make my dad fall off his tricycle?

Gozz: He sure did!

Skull Kid: I just saw him go through here! Follow me! When I get my hands on him…

_He leads them deep into the forest and they eventually reach a strange gate_

Skull Kid: What? This gate hasn't been locked before. That sneaky Link must have locked the gate himself!

Zack: Is there another way in?

Navi: Lookout!

_3 wolfos leap out of the grass and attack_

Wolfo: AROO! _It swings it claws at Gozz_

Gozz: Wolfos! _He blocks with his shield and stabs it in the belly with his dagger_

_The Wolfo yelps and falls over_

_The other 2 Wolfos corner Zack_

Zack: I could use some help.

Skull Kid: Bubbles! _He fires 2 bubbles from his hands and they encase the Wolfos_

Skull Kid: Be gone! _He pops the bubbles and the Wolfo's evaporate_

Zack: Sweet! Nice moves Skull Kid!

Skull Kid: Thank you.

Gozz: Hey the gate!

_The gate swings open_

Gozz: Shouldn't be to hard from here. _He walks in_

Skull Kid: I'd be careful if I were you.

_A giant goblin with a spear shoulder rams Gozz to the ground_

Gozz: Oofa!

_The goblin laughs and aims it spear at Gozz's head_

Zack: Turn around Shrek! _He stabs the razor sword into its back_

_The goblin turns around and laughs_

Zack: What!?

_It pulls the sword out and breaks it in half_

Zack: Uh-oh…

_It swings its spear into Zack and knocks him into Gozz_

Gozz: Ugh!

Zack: How come that didn't do anything?

Skull Kid: Your old weapons aren't strong enough for these new monsters. I'm getting us out of here! _He pulls out an ocarina and plays a song_

_They are teleported to the Temple of Time_

Zack: How'd you do that?

Skull Kid: I'll tell you later. First and foremost, you two need to get better weapons. After Ganondorf took over, the monsters grew much stronger; the weapons you had as kids aren't going to cut it.

Navi: Why did the monsters get so much stronger?

Skull Kid: Ganondorf's men have contaminated the land with evil. So much that the monsters can literally feed off it. And they've had 7 years to do so, thus making them much stronger than before.

Gozz: Well where can we get good weapons?

Skull Kid: I'll take you to Mr. Poe. He sells the best quality weapons I know.

Gozz: Mr. Poe? That's a weird name.

Skull Kid: Well I don't know his real name so I call him Mr. Poe because he collects Poes.

Gozz: What the heck is a Poe?

Skull Kid: You'll see when we get there. And I hope you guys got a lot of money because his weapons aren't cheap.

Zack: Forget that! I'm taking THIS! _He grabs the Master Sword form its stone and puts it in his sheath_

Navi: I hope you know how to wield that.

Zack: You hush. Now Skull Kid, take us to this Poe person.

Skull Kid: Follow me _He leads them threw the remains of Hyrule Market to a lonely-looking shop_

???: Who's there? _cough _Oh it's you Skull Kid. I see you've brought some _cough_ friends.

Skull Kid: Yes Mr. Poe, this is Gozz and Zack. They want to buy some gear.

_A dark man wearing a hood sits at a table with bottled spirits in jars behind him_

Mr. Poe: How many _cough_ rupees do you have?

Gozz: About 300.

Mr. Poe: That's it? I usually charge 300 rupees just to look at my _cough _merchandise.

Zack: Are you trying to rip us off?

Mr. Poe: I said usually. But _cough _since you are friends of Skull Kid I guess I can _cough _lower my prices.

Zack: Let's see what you got.

_Mr. Poe pulls back a sheet that reveals a table covered in weapons_

Gozz: Nice. _He picks up a mean looking spear _500 rupees? What's so great about it?

Mr. Poe: That's a Silver spear. It's made from special silver and has magic properties.

Gozz: Like what?

Mr. Poe: It can transform into many different weapons.

Gozz: Let me see!

_Mr. Poe grabs the spear and it turns into a shield, then a chain, then a knife_

Gozz: That's incredible!

Mr. Poe: Watch this. _He splits the spear in two and it forms into two twin swords_

Gozz: I want it!

Mr. Poe: I sell it for 250 rupees.

_Gozz buys it and tries it out_

Gozz: Hey! I can't change it!

Mr. Poe: That weapon takes time to develop. You can't just pick it up and turn it into anything. The longer you use it the more you'll be able to transform it.

Gozz: If you say so.

Zack: I want this armor _He holds up a chain mail shirt_

Mr. Poe: That's legendary Gerudo _cough _battle armor from the Old War. That should _cough _protect you nicely.

Zack: How much will this run me for?

Mr. Poe: 100 _cough_ rupees.

Zack: I don't know if I have enough.

Mr. Poe: I'll tell you what. You see these Poes behind me?

Zack: Yeah. You got a lot.

Mr. Poe: My prized Poe, Dred escaped from me a few days ago. If you promise to find him for me, you can have it for free.

Zack: Ok. I'll look for him.

Mr. Poe: But _cough _if you don't find him by the time the Spirit of the Old is released, then I will curse the armor and it will bring you terrible luck.

Navi: Don't do it Zack!

Zack: I'm not afraid of no curse. I'll do it.

Mr. Poe: Ok then. Take it.

_Zack takes the armor and slips it on_

Mr. Poe: Is there anything else I can _cough _help you with?

Zack: Not me. How about you Skull Kid.

Skull Kid: I don't use weapons. Just magic.

Zack: I guess that's it then. Thanks for the armor.

Mr. Poe: No _cough _problem.

_They leave the shop_

Zack: Are you gonna take us back to that gate?

Skull Kid: Yes. But first I am going to teach you the Prelude of Light.

Zack: Is that the song you played that teleported us to the Temple of Time?

Skull Kid: Yes.

Zack: Cool! Teach me!

Skull Kid: I will. Just remember that teleporting songs are very difficult; the slightest error and you could end up anywhere…

Zack: Don't worry. I'm the master chef.

_Skull Kid plays the song_

Zack: Ok lemme try this _He plays the song_

Skull Kid: No! You messed up the last note!

Gozz: So?

Skull Kid: Quick! Give me the oca…

_A light surrounds them and they disappear _

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

RE-WRITE


	7. THAT IS ALL!

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: III

Chapter 7- THAT IS ALL!

_The light vanishes and they find themselves in a strange desert land_

Gozz: Nice going Zack. Now where the hell are we?

Zack: Sorry. Here let me just try again…

Skull Kid: NO! I'd do it but my ocarina isn't powerful like the Ocarina of Time. I can't do the song again…

Gozz: So just use his ocarina.

Skull Kid: An ocarina only works for the person it chooses as its master.

Zack: Great. So where are we?

Skull Kid: I think this is Gerudo Valley.

Gozz: Oh yeah! Fine females here I come!

Skull Kid: If I'm right and I often am, then all we have to do is cross this bridge and we can get back to Hyrule field…

_They look over and see a big hole in the bridge_

Zack: That can't be good.

Gozz: Now we can't get back across! Were stuck in Gerudo Valley forever!

Zack: Maybe not. That's a river below us. We can jump down there and…

Skull Kid: Are you insane?! That's at least a 250 foot drop. Even if we survive the fall what are we gonna do? Climb up the wall?

Gozz: Maybe that river leads to Lake Hylia.

Zack: It probably does.

Skull Kid: You aren't seriously gonna jump are you?

Zack: Maybe.

Gozz: Look! See that arch with the sign on it?

Zack: Yeah…

Gozz: Shoot it with your hookshot!

Zack: Good idea! _He shoots the sign with his hookshot and it pulls him across the gap_

Gozz: Throw it here!

Zack: Ok, here it com…_5 armed Gerudo guards surround him with there swords aimed at him_

Lady: Trespasser! Only Gerudo's are allowed over here!

Zack: But I'm not in Gerudo Valley! Gerudo Valley is on that side! _He looks at the sign he shot which reads: WELCOME TO GERUDO VALLEY_ Oops.

Lady: Seize him! _The guards move in on Zack_

Zack: Come on ladies. Why don't we talk this over a nice vodka?

Guard: Silence! You are now our prisoner!

Zack: No way. You can kiss my ass.

Lady: That's enough out of you! Get him now!

_Zack draws the Master SwordThe guards take half a step back_

Lady: Interesting. So you're the Hero of Time. Well even if you are there's no way you can beat my 4 elite body guards! They're all stronger then Goron and faster than a Wolfo!

Zack: I'd believe you but there's something on your lip.

Lady: What?

Zack: Bullshit. _He powers his sword up with a blue glow_

Guard: Is that magic?

Zack: You tell me. _He spins around in a circle and a wave of energy rushes out of his sword knocking 3 of them off the cliff_

Lady: RETREAT! _She and the other guard run away_

Gozz: Good job Zack but I have some bad news… There's no way for you to get back over here.

Zack: DAMN! Well will you guy's come over here? Together we might find a way back.

Gozz: Sure. Hand it over.

_Zack throws him the hook-shot and Gozz and Skull Kid shoot over_

Gozz: Now what?

Skull Kid: Gerudo Fortress is down that road. It's the only place to go.

Zack: Don't you think they'll be tons of guards there?

Skull Kid: Most likely. But our only other options are you playing the ocarina again or us jumping off the cliff.

Gozz: Good point.

Zack: Well there's no time like the present!

_They head towards Gerudo Fortress_

_They see some guards pushing a few prisoners into the fortress_

Navi: Those are carpenters!

Gozz: You must have some damn good eyesight.

Navi: If you free them maybe they'll repair the bridge.

Zack: Go in THERE? Are you serious?

Skull Kid: She's right. It's the only way.

Gozz: Well nothing like a good old frontal charge! AHHHHHH!!! _He runs toward the fortress screaming_

_30 guards surround him and beat him up. Then they tie him up and carry him inside_

Zack & Skull Kid: …

Navi: What are you waiting for? The only way your gonna get inside is to be captured!

Zack: Easy for you to say! Watch this! _He walks out into the open and approaches a guard_

Hey baby! That's quite a rack you got there! 

_The guard smashes him over the head with a club_

Zack:  _He faints_

Skull Kid: I come in peace! _The guards shoot him with hundreds of arrows until he looks like a pin cushion_ Thanks! _He passes out_

_The next morning_

Zack: ZZZ…zzz…

Gozz: Get up!

_Zack springs up_

Zack: Where…

Skull Kid: We're inside!

Zack: Oh goody.

Gozz: It is good. They didn't take any of our stuff!

Zack: Does that even matter?

Gozz: Maybe we can use it to get out.

Zack: How?

Skull Kid: It looks like there's only one way out. We'll have to take turns but we should be able to reach the top of that windowsill by using the hookshot to attach to the shutter.

Zack: Alrighty then. _They each zip up_

_They look down and see guards patrolling the grounds_

Gozz: Hmm…Let's jump to that building over there!

_They hop across the gap in the roof and walk through a door_

Zack: Hey! It's one of those carpenters!

Carpenter: My name is Bill. My brothers, Will and Phil are locked up somewhere in here! Please free us! We'll do anything!

Gozz: Will you repair the bridge?

Bill: Yes!

Zack: Ok then were gonna let you out…now where would they put the key?

???: Looking for this?

_They spin around and see the Gerudo lady from earlier_

Gozz: It's that lady!

Lady: My name is Lady Lady. I am the Queen of the Gerudo's. My handsome, sexy, muscular husband Ganondorf is ruling Hyrule. My job is to train guards to be as beautiful and strong as me so we can serve him.

Zack: No one cares.

Lady: Oh! But you will care!

Zack: Oh but I won't. Shutup and give me the key or I'll slap the plastic off your chest.

Lady: How dare you!? These are home-grown! _She grabs her boobs _You will pay! _She pulls out a spike covered whip _What do you think of this?

_Gozz yawns_

_Lady flicks the whip around Gozz_

Gozz: AHHH! IT'S SHARP! GET IT OFF ME! _He hops around_

_Zack and Skull Kid move towards her_

Lady: Hahaha! If either of you take one more step towards me I'll tighten this whip until it rips him in half!

Gozz: Rip me in half? Yeah right! The only thing you can do with those hands is beat Gerudo wang!

_She pulls the whip tighter around him_

Gozz: YOW!!!

Lady: Let's not play with my emotions now. You wouldn't want to anger me would you?

Gozz: No I wouldn't. I don't want to do anything that could make you start bleeding again. It's that time of the month isn't it?

_She tightens the whip again_

Gozz: YOOOWWWW!!!

Zack: Well, Gozz, your screwed. Do whatever you want Lady. Me and Skull Kid are out of here… _They start to walk away_

Gozz: You're gonna leave me here? Alone with the Queen of Cock?

_She tightens the whip again_

Lady: I'm the Queen of Pain as far as you're concerned!

Gozz: You like it rough huh?

Lady: THAT'S IT!

_Zack spins around and shoots his hook-shot at Lady_

_It stops an inch from her face_

Zack: Shi…

Lady: HA! To bad! Now he has to die after all!

_Skull Kid smacks her over the head with a frying pan_

_She falls to the floor unconscious_

Zack: Where'd you get that frying pan?

_Skull Kid points to the stove in the corner_

Gozz: Get me outta this evil sex toy!

_They untangle Gozz_

Bill: The keys on the wall.

Zack: Here you go… _He unlocks the cage_

Bill: Thanks a million! _He runs out_

Skull Kid: The other 2 shouldn't be to far from here.

Guard: I thought I heard something…

Gozz: We'd better hide!

Zack: Why?

_He looks down the hall and sees 12 guards approaching_

_Zack opens up the oven and crawls inside_

_Gozz hides behind the curtains_

_Skull Kid hides in the trashcan_

Guard 1: Hey! The prisoner has escaped!

Guard 2: Oh well let Lady worry about it.

Guard 1: Lady's on the floor unconscious!

Guard 3: Who cares? Let's pre-heat the oven so we can cook that chicken!

Zack: _gasp_

Guard 4: 450 degrees right?

Guard 3: Right!

_Guard 4 turns on the oven which slowly begins to heat up_

Guard 5: This bag of Wolfo poop and can of Wolfo piss is getting heavy! I think I'll throw it in the trashcan…

Skull Kid: _gasp_

Guard 6: And it's getting stuffy in here, I think I'll open the curtains…

Gozz: _gasp_

_Guard 5 dumps 20 pounds of fresh Wolfo poop into the trashcan_

Skull Kid: Oh gawd…

Guard 7: I'll get the curtains for you!

Guard 6: Thanks!

Gozz: Crap!

_Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom_: ATTENTION ALL BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, EXOTIC, INHUMANLY GOOD LOOKING GERUDO WOMEN! CEASE ALL BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT ACTIVITIES AND REPORT TO CELL BLOCK 32. THERE HAS BEEN AN ESCAPE! THAT IS ALL!

Guard 8: I wonder if cooking chicken, emptying Wolfo poop, or opening curtains apply?

Intercom: ATTENTION ALL BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, EXOTIC, INHUMANLY GOOD LOOKING GERUDO WOMEN! COOKING CHICKEN, EMPTYING WOLFO POOP, AND OPENING CURTAINS APPLY! THAT IS ALL!

Guard 9: Ahh man. Well we'd better hurry, we don't want to get in trouble…

Guard 10: Hey! We could skip the report to cell block 32 and go hide in Shamika's secret club house!

Guard 11: That's a great idea!

Guard 12: But what if were caught? We could be severely punished!

Intercom: ATTENTION ALL BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, EXOTIC, INHUMANLY GOOD LOOKING GERUDO WOMEN! ANYONE CAUGHT HIDING IN SHAMIKA'S SECRET CLUB HOUSE WILL BE SEVERELY PUNISHED! THAT IS ALL!

Guard 10: Forget this! I quit!

Guard 11: But if you quit you could get fired!

Zack, Gozz,& Skull Kid: Huh?

Intercom: ATTENTION ALL BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, EXOTIC, INHUMANLY GOOD LOOKING GERUDO WOMEN! IF YOU QUIT YOU WILL BE FIRED! THAT IS ALL!

Guard 1: Ok we're outta here. _They leave the room_

Zack: HOT!!! _He dives out of the oven and jumps in the sink and pours cold water all over himself_

Skull Kid: GROSS!!! _He leaps out of the trash can and dives into the shower and sprays cold water all over himself_

Gozz: Hahaha! _He peeks out from the curtains_ What happened to you guys?

Zack: Ahh shutup…

Skull Kid: You wouldn't be laughing if something had happened to you!

Gozz: Nothing ever happens to me!

Intercom: ATTENTION ALL BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, EXOTIC, INHUMANLY GOOD LOOKING GERUDO WOMEN! THERE IS AN UGLY MAN IN THE WINDOW! ELIMINATE HIM IMMEDIATELY! THAT IS ALL!

Gozz: What? _He turns around in time to see a hundred flaming arrows fly threw the window _ARGH!!!! _He falls over on fire _Help!

Zack: Don't worry! Some of this ice cold Wolfo piss should do the trick! _He drenches Gozz in it to put out the flames_

Gozz: EWWW!!! _He jumps into the shower_

Zack: Hahaha!

Skull Kid: This looks like a map _He picks up a piece of paper off the table _And look! The other 2 prisoners are just threw these doors!

Zack: Let's hurry up. We don't want to have to "hide" again.

Gozz: Wait for me.

_They open the door and creep in_

Phil: HELP ME!

Will: HELP US!

Gozz: Shutup! We'll get caught if you don't shut your mouths!

Phil: I'm sorry!

Will: Were sorry!

Zack: Look the keys are in the same place as last time. _He picks them up off the wall and unlocks the cells_

Phil: Thank you for saving me!

Will: Thank you for saving us!

Zack: No problem. Now get out of here and go fix the bridge so we can get outta here.

Phil: I'll do it!

Will: We'll do it!

_They run out_

Zack: They were strange…

Gozz: Now let's beat it!

_They hurry out the door and run back to the bridge_

_When they get there the bridge is already fixed_

Phil: I fixed it!

Will: We fixed it!

Bill: It's done!

Zack: Thanks!

Phil: You're welcome!

Will: No problem!

Bill: Think nothing of it!

Gozz: See ya! _They walk across the bridge_

Phil: Bye!

Will: Take care!

Bill: Toodles!

Gozz: SHUTUP!

Zack: So, are we going back to the gate now?

Skull Kid: Yes. We should hurry.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

RE-WRITE


	8. Fall in Death

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: III

_Chapter 8- Fall in Death_

_Many hours later_

Zack: Finally! We made it back to the gate. Do you think Link, Saria or Mido are around here?

???: Where do you think YOUR going?

_A short figure steps out in front of them and blocks the gate_

Zack: Mido?

Gozz: Ha! He hasn't grown one inch!

Mido: Who are you? What business do you have here?

Zack: Get out of my way. _He goes to walk by him_

Mido: Not so fast! _He hops in the way_

Zack: Move wee-man. _He shoves Mido to the ground_

Mido: How dare you!? You will never call me wee-man! You will address me as your royal highness!

Gozz: Well your highness, your new name is wee-man. Now move your stank butt out of the way before I'm forced to lay knuckles up-side your head.

Mido: You peasants can't threaten me! I am Queen Mido, ruler of the Kokiri!

Zack: Queen?

Mido: Yes Queen! Now leave at once or I'll have you exterminated!

Zack: With what army?

Mido: With this army! Poocha's! Your master beckons!

_An army of small teddy-bear like creatures come marching threw the gate_

Gozz: What are those things?

Mido: They are called Poocha Poocha's! And they will not hesitate to do my bidding!

Zack: Those things don't look very dangerous.

Mido: Looks can be deceiving. Look at me. To you I probably look like a regular Kokiri but in reality I'm the most beautiful Queen to ever walk this planet!

Gozz: Well to me you look like bad rip-off of wee-man but in reality you're a homosexual elf with pictures of John Travolta in a thong hanging on your walls!

Mido: You'll pay for your lies! Poocha's! ATTACK!

_The critters just sit there_

Zack: Nice army.

Mido: No! Poocha's! Kill the heretics!

_They sit there_

Zack: Let's go, just ignore him. _He walks into the maze then stops _I got an idea _He grabs Mido_

Mido: Put me down or I'll crap all over your face!

Skull Kid: What are you doing?

Zack: Watch this! _He throws Mido around the corner and they see the big goblin floor him _

Mido: Stop in the name of Queen Mido! If you don't cease your violence I'll have you executed!

_The Goblin laughs and draws its spear_

Mido: You think I'm joking? You'll suffer a thousand deaths, each more painful then the last!

_The Goblin walks over to him_

Mido: That's it! Poocha's! ATTACK!

_They stand there_

Mido: help…

_The Goblin stabs him in the hiney_

Mido: YOWW!!!!

Goblin: MWAH HAH HAH!

_Zack runs forward and stabs it in the back_

_The Goblin makes a noise like a dying elephant and collapses on top of Mido_

Gozz: Oh well, no loss there.

_They continue walking through the maze until they reach a temple surrounded by trees_

Navi: This must be the Forest Temple!

...?: You are correct Navi.

_Sheik jumps out of a tree and lands in front of them_

Gozz: Oh great…Sheik.

Sheik: You 3 hold in your hands the fate of Saria. Will you save her? Will you fail and die? Will you even enter the temple? These are questions only you can answer.

Zack: How will we know if we'll save her or die?

Sheik: You must look inside yourself. Inside the temple is the one who kidnapped her. You must defeat him to save her and recover the Forest Medallion.

Gozz: We know.

Zack: How did she get kidnapped in the first place?

Sheik: Phonetically speaking, what is kidnapped? Does it mean someone has been stolen or does it mean that a child has simply gone to sleep?

Gozz: Stop with these stupid riddles!

Sheik: Introfically speaking, what is a riddle? Is it a message with a secret meaning to it or is it one that is puzzling?

Zack: SPEAK ENGLISH!

Sheik: Heptogrammically speaking, what is English? Is it a language spoken by Americans or is it a kind of muffin?

Navi: Stop wasting time! We've got to save Saria!

Skull Kid: Let's go. I still have to find Link.

_They walk into the Forest Temple_

Skull Kid: Look! An elevator! It's going down to the basement!

_They watch as an elevator drops down through the floor_

Gozz: Hold that door!

Zack: I bet you anything that's where Saria is.

…?: Welcome to your final resting place!

_Two Stalfos come walking out of the darkness_

Gozz: These guys make the skeletons look like mice!

Stalfo 1: Master Ganondorf said that anyone who comes here must die!

Gozz: Wow. What have you guys been doing here for so long? Steaming hot Stalfo sex?

Stalfo 2: Do not try to insult us mortal! We Stalfos are one of the most powerful races on the planet! We are far superior to you weak humans!

Skull Kid: It's a good thing I'm not human then.

Stalfo 1: Who's this clown?

Stalfo 2: It looks like a Skull Kid.

Stalfo 1: Ha! Is this some kind of joke? Skull Kids are even more pathetic then humans! Here I was hoping for some exercise…

Gozz: Why do you guys need exercise after all these wonderful nights you've spent together?

Stalfo 1: We'll kill you first Mr. Comedian. _He swings his sword at Gozz_

_Gozz blocks it with his spear but staggers back_

Gozz: These guys are strong!

Stalfo 1: I told you fool! There's no way you can go toe-to-toe with us and win!

Gozz: Well then I'll just stay away. _He throws his boomerang at the Stalfo _

_It stuns him_

Gozz: Alright! _He runs forward and spears it threw the skull and its head shatters _So much for the strongest race on the planet!

_The headless Stalfo smashes his shield into Gozz's back and sends him flying_

Gozz: Augh! How? You don't have a head!

Stalfo 2: I'm sure my friend would tell you but seeing as he doesn't have a head…We Stalfos cannot be killed. All you can do is annoy us which isn't very wise.

Zack: So some Din's Fire wouldn't fit the bill? _He torches the Stalfos in a wave of fire_

Stalfo 2: Hahaha! Stalfos are created in fire! You guys can't win!

Skull Kid: He's right. You can't win. Let me try.

Stalfo 2: Ooh! Scary! The scarecrow wants to dance! Well at least you know you can't win.

Skull Kid: Oh we can win alright. Any of us can beat you. I've just been itching to try this new technique I developed.

Stalfo 2: Big words. Let's see you stop this! _Both of the Stalfos charge him_

Zack: Skull Kid! Get outta there!

Skull Kid: Machine Gun Teeth! _He opens his mouth and a swarm of razor sharp teeth shoot out and grind them to dust_

Gozz: Damn! I'm glad you're on our side!

Zack: How do you do that?

Skull Kid: I've been practicing magic for the last 7 years. You get real good after that long.

Navi: That's all well and fine but we still have to save Saria! See if you can get that elevator back up here!

_Gozz and Zack examine the wall from top to bottom_

Gozz: No good! There's no way to open it.

Skull Kid: Did you try this? _He points to an arrow switch_

Gozz: uh…

_Skull Kid pushes the button and the elevator rises_

_They get in and descend to the basement_

Zack: What a strange room

_They're in a large circular room with paintings of a dark castle all around the perimeter_

Gozz: Is it just me or is that picture moving?

Zack: Ooh!

_They watch as a dark figure gets closer and closer to the front of a painting_

_It leaps out_

Zack: It's…

Navi: Ganondorf!

Ganondorf: Who dares enter my art gallery?

Gozz: Some how I never saw Ganondorf as an art lover.

Ganondorf: Looks can be deceiving. Look at me. To you I probably look like a…

Zack: Shut the hell up. That jokes older then the crust on your underwear.

Ganondorf: Crust? What crust? You must be mistaken. There is no way I could have crust on my underwear. I change my clothes once a month and wash them with Ingo's boot shiner! I'm as clean as can be!

Gozz: Somehow I'm not convinced.

Ganondorf: Do you need proof?

Zack: No. All I need is the Forest Medallion.

Ganondorf: Well you're not gonna get that! And you won't be able to save them either! _He points to two coffins behind him_

_One has Link in it and one has Saria_

Zack: You killed Link for me? And Saria too? You're not such a bad guy after all.

Ganondorf: There not dead. Not yet anyway. They're in a coma.

Navi: Why?

Ganondorf: Cuz I put a spell on em that's why!

Zack: Why'd you put a spell on them?

Ganondorf: Because I can! How about that!?

Zack: How about I kill you?

Ganondorf: HA HA HA HA! Is your plan to make me die of laughter? You wouldn't be a match for me in a million years! You'll never get the Forest Medallion and you'll never get out of here alive! You will fall in death!

Gozz: That's not like falling in love is it?

Skull Kid: Actually love is one of the only non-liquids you can fall in…

Zack: O RLY?

Gozz: YA RLY!

Zack: NO WAI!

Ganondorf: ROFLcopter!

Gozz: LMAplane!

Skull Kid: BBQ?

Gozz, Zack, & Ganondorf: OMG wat a nub!

Ganondorf: As I was saying, I'm the 1337 evil guy and you guys are gonna fall in death!

Skull Kid: And you will fall in cat poop. I summon litter box!

_A litter box falls from the sky and lands in front of Ganondorf_

Ganondorf: Yuck! _He steps back just as another litter box falls behind him_

_His back foot steps in it and he slips and falls face forward into the kitten nuggets_

Ganondorf: Noooo! I'm covered in caca!

Gozz & Zack: LOL did juh C that?

Ganondorf: GAH! _He stands up and summons an aura around him _WEAKLINGS!

_The litter boxes fly away from the wind and Ganondorf's hair stands up_

Ganondorf: I'm an almighty Super Sayain! _He starts flexing_

Zack: Jeepers mister! You're pretty strong!

Ganondorf: Flattery will get you nowhere…DIE! _He shoots purple energy balls at Zack_

_Zack imitates Babe Ruth tasting the air _

Zack: Not today Zurg! _He hits them back at Ganondorf with his sword_

Ganondorf: Uh-oh! _He gets beamed with all 3 in the chest _BLUH! _He falls to his knees _Dang, I am defeated.

Gozz: You are very observant, but you're no match for me!

Zack: You didn't do anything!

Gozz: That's beside the point. Let's take the Forest Medallion and go

_Zack takes it off Ganondorf's necklace_

Navi: Is it just me or was that to easy? I don't think this is Ganondorf.

Zack: Who else could it be?

Ganondorf: That fairy's right. I am not Ganondorf. I am Ganondorf's phantom.

Gozz: Shadow?

Ganondorf: I'm not a shadow! I'm a phantom you racist!

Gozz: I'm not racist. I just hate everyone equally. Now shutup you ghost.

Ganondorf: I'm a phantom!

Gozz: There's no such thing as spirits.

Ganondorf: I'm a motherf…… phantom…_He explodes in rage_

Zack: Woo

_Link awakens from his coffin_

Link: Hey guys! Did I miss anything?

Zack: Nothing at all.

Link: Where'd Ganondorf go?

Skull Kid: You must die Link.

Link: Huh? Who are you?

Skull Kid: The guy who's gonna kill you. _He forms an orb of light in his hand_

Link: Why? What'd I do?

Skull Kid: You killed my father! Die! _He throws it at Link_

_Link flies back into the other coffin and knocks it shut_

Zack: I've been waiting to see Link get his ass kicked.

Gozz: Me too.

Navi: Link! Are you alright?

_Link stands up_

Link: I will show you no mercy demon! I have done nothing wrong!

Skull Kid: Play dumb all you like. You can think about your lies in hell.

Link: We'll see about that! _He draws his sword and rushes Skull Kid_

_Skull Kid holds up two fingers and blocks Links sword_

Zack: Damn this guys good!

Link: How?

Skull Kid: You're worse then I thought.

Link: You must've gotten lucky! Feel this! _Link jabs at him_

_Skull stops the point with his index finger_

Link: Impossible!

_Skull Kid flicks the sword and it shatters_

Link: Oh my! Zack, Gozz! Help me!

Gozz: Help yourself. He's only a Skull Kid.

Link: I have no weapons! How can I win?

Skull Kid: I have no weapons. But I can change that. _A gold claw appears on his hand_

Link: Ah! _He turns to run_

_Skull Kid summons a wall in front of Link and he runs into it and falls down_

Link: Oof! Help!

_Skull Kid picks Link up by the throat with one hand_

Skull Kid: I'll help you get a broken neck. _He punches Link full in the face with the claw and he smashes threw the wall_

Gozz, & Zack: OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!

Navi: Link! No!!!

Skull Kid: That's that. Well now what about your other friend? Saria was it?

_The coffin shakes _

?...: LEMME OUT!

Gozz: Who's in there?

?...: Saria! Get me outta here!

Gozz: Why?

Saria: CUZ I FREAKIN SAID SO!!!

_Gozz opens the coffin_

_Saria comes flying out of the coffin and tackles Gozz_

Gozz: Oof!

Saria: I've been locked in there forever! You think it's funny to make me wait? _She slaps Gozz across the face_

Gozz: Ugh!

Saria: Well? Is it funny now? _She throws Gozz in the coffin and locks it_

Zack: Wow…

Gozz: Let me out! I'm sorry!

Saria: Hmm…Where's Link?

Zack: Probably in a world of pain.

Saria: Why?

Gozz: Skull kid beat the snot out of him.

Saria: Who?

Gozz: Skull Kid.

Saria: THE Skull Kid?

Zack: Yeah he's right here.

Saria: Where?

Skull Kid: Hi.

Saria: AHH! Keep him away from me!

Zack: Chill out! He's on our side.

Saria: You don't understand! He's evil!

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

RE-WRITE


	9. Brother From Another Mother

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: III

Chapter 9- I DON'T GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!

Zack: Evil? What're you talking about?

Saria: He's killed countless travelers who have wandered through the Lost Woods!

Gozz: Let me out! _He rattles the lid_

_Zack walks over and let's Gozz out_

Zack: Is this true?

Skull Kid: Is Sheik sane?

Zack: Lemme get back to you on that one…

Gozz: Watcha talking about?

Saria: Skull Kid is a murderer!

Gozz: Cool!

Navi: I knew there was something fishy about him!

Skull Kid: Are you gonna listen to some elf and a fairy?

Zack: Hell no!

Gozz: I don't trust elfs! I'm with Skull Kid! I think she's making all this up to try to seduce me so she can fulfill her sexual fantasies!

Skull Kid: My point exactly!

Zack: Hmm…There is some truth to your words…

Navi: Are you serious? That didn't even make any sense!

Saria: Fine Zack be that way! Believe some serial killer instead of your girlfriend.

Zack: You're not my girlfriend.

Navi: Uh-oh…

Saria: What do you mean? We never "officially" broke up. You just ran off to find that piece of the Triforce.

Zack: Well you see…I met this girl Malon and…

Saria: _WHAT?!_

Zack: It was just a kiss…

Gozz: More like a moan and groan make-out session.

Saria: _WHAT?!_

Zack: You're not helping Gozz…

_Link climbs back through the wall to them_

Link: Gozz speaks the truth! She was hanging off him like grapes on a vine!

Saria: _WHAT?!_

Zack: Shutup Link! Or I'll sic Skull Kid on you again!

Saria: _You've been cheating on me?!_

Zack: Well you're just an elf and she's like…wow…

Skull Kid: Bad move…

Saria: You son of a… _She slugs him in the jaw_

Zack: OUCH! _He holds his chin_ What was that for?!

Saria: I'm not done with you yet! _She knees him in his sack_

Zack: _high pitched_ MY NERDS! Guh… _He collapses to the ground _

_Gozz howls with laughter_

Gozz: That's why you don't date elves!

Skull Kid: Way to show him girl… _He puts a hand on her shoulder_

Saria: Thanks baby… Seems I was wrong about you…

Skull Kid: We all make mistakes…No matter how sexy we are…

Saria: Oh stop it! _she blushes_

Zack: I don't believe it! One second you're accusing him of murder and the next your flirting!

Skull Kid: You're just mad cuz I spit the game that makes the ladies insane.

Zack: Mad? I couldn't be happier! Now maybe she'll get out of my hair.

Saria: And into Skull Kids pants.

Skull Kid: Right where you belong…

Navi: I didn't see this coming…

Zack: uh…pain… _He slowly ge's to his feet _Well looks like were done here…

Gozz: Where should we go next?

Zack: I don't know…Let's just get outta here and spend the night in Kakariko…You got a place there right?

Gozz: Yeah, c'mon let's go…

_After a few hours they arrive in Kakariko Village_

Zack: So which house is yours?

Gozz: The one behind the look out tower.

Zack: You call that a house? That's a shack!

Gozz: Hey, you don't know how much houses cost around here…

Skull Kid: Well that house for rent over there is twice as big as yours and it only costs 50 rupees a month.

Gozz: Well…You don't know how hard it is to find rupees around here…

Saria: Maybe if you had a job you wouldn't have to spend all day looking for money.

Gozz: Ah shutup…

_They walk in_

Link: Where do you sleep? There's not even a couch!

Gozz: Hey zip it! No making fun of my pad.

Zack: You have a 12 inch T.V, a fridge, 2 chairs, a coffee table and a lamp. I've seen hobos with better places then this.

Saria: Maybe if you wouldn't have spent all your money on these porno's you could've afforded a better house.

Gozz: Those aren't porno's! Those are instructional videos!

_Zack picks up a tape and examines it_

Zack: Tub girl? Please…

Link: The lights don't even work! _He flips the light switch and nothing happens_ What's the point of a T.V, a lamp, and a fridge if you don't even have power?

Gozz: THEY'RE BATTERY POWERED!!! _He slams his fist on the table in rage_

_Zack checks behind the TV_

Zack: So I guess the power cord is just for show huh?

Gozz: I'M GONNA KILL YOU! _He throws a chair at Zack_

_Zack ducks and it hits Link_

Link: Guh… _He faints_

Gozz: IF YOU SAY ONE MORE…

Saria: Where's the food?

Gozz: I DON'T EAT FOOD!!!

Skull Kid: Where's the bathro…

Gozz: I DON'T GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!

Skull Kid: Wow. Humans are interesting.

Zack: Well I'm hungry.

Gozz: CHEW YOUR DAMN TOUNGUE THEN! I'M NOT SPENDIN A SINGLE CENT ON YOU GUYS! I'M GOIN TO DUNKIN DOUGHNUTS FOR ME! YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! _He stomps out the door_

Zack: I'm down for doughnuts.

Link: I could use some rations myself.

Saria: I'm staying here.

Skull Kid: Me to. _He puts a hand on her shoulder_

Zack: Good lord…_ They walk out and go into Dunkin Doughnuts and get in line behind Gozz_

Cashier: Hello. My name is Nabisco, how may I help you?

Gozz: Named after a cookie? What's with people these days?

Nabisco: I happen to like my name. My mother was very creative.

Gozz: Your mother was _very _creative last night.

Nabisco: Don't insult my mother!

Gozz: That wasn't an insult. That was a compliment.

Nabisco: You dirty little..!

Gozz: Don't yell at me snack boy! Do your job or I'll ask for your manager!

Nabisco: What do you want?

Gozz: I want some doughnuts.

Nabisco: Glazed or regular?

Gozz: Just give me regular. I'll glaze it myself.

Nabisco: You're sick you know that? You're really sick…

Gozz: I'm sick? My glaze happens to be delicious. Just ask your mother. She swallowed 5 loads.

_Zack laughs_

_Nabisco is shaking in rage_

_He gets the doughnuts and hands them to Gozz_

Nabisco: Is there anything else I can help you with? Would you like some sauce?

Gozz: I would like fire.

Nabisco: Sir I can't just give you…

Gozz: I WANT FIRE DAMMIT! GIVE ME SOME FIRE FOR MY DOUGHNUTS!

_The other customers look up and stare_

_Nabisco panics_

Nabisco: Here sir! This is the best I can do! _He hands him a lighter_

Gozz: This is one fruity lighter. Is that Iggy the Iguana on the top?

Nabisco: Yes sir. He's my favorite football commenter.

Gozz: You're pathetic. Let's see if this has any fluid. _He attempts to light it but Iggy's tongue pokes out with a candy at the end_

Gozz: What the hell is this?

Nabisco: That's a Pez dispenser sir.

Gozz: I asked for fire! Not candy!

Nabisco: Its cinnamon flavored!

Gozz: GOD DAMMIT BOY! KEEP YOUR DAMN CINAMMON AND GIVE ME FIRE!

_Nabisco rolls out a grill_

Gozz: Now that's what I'm talkin about! I'll be leaving now…_He wheels it to the door_

Nabisco: Sir! My Pez dispenser!

Gozz: I'm keeping it. _He walks out the door laughing_

Zack: That was great.

Link: So loud and obnoxious! And he robbed the poor lad to boot! He's gonna get it one day!

Navi: And I hope I'm there to see it!

Zack: Let's get some doughnuts and get outta here.

_Early the next morning_

???: ROAR!!!

Zack: Holy spit! What is that?

Navi: Dear me…It appears the dragon Volvagia has awoken from his slumber inside of Death Mountain…

Gozz: Did you say dragon?

Navi: Yes. A genuine dragon.

Zack: Complete with wings and tail?

Navi: Affirmative.

_Gozz looks out the window_

Gozz: Phew! He's not here any more…

Navi: He wasn't here to begin with! His roar is just so loud that it echoes all the way down the mountain.

Gozz: I knew that…

Zack: What does this have to do with us?

Link: Well it's obvious we have to stop the dragon.

Zack: Why? If he doesn't bother me, I'm not gonna bother him. Hell, if he bothers me I'm gonna run. I'm not fighting a dragon.

Link: We have to get all the medallions remember? The fire medallion is in the Fire Temple, and that's where Volvagia dwells.

Gozz: Can't we just run in, grab it, and high-tail it outta there?

Link: No! Where's the honor in that?

Gozz: Where's the honor in being eaten by a dragon? You're gonna ripped to shreds and pooped out.

Skull Kid: True.

Zack: Do you want to become a pile of dragon droppings Link?

Link: Good riddance! While you guys stand here and whine about your slim chances of winning I guess I'll go take care of this dragon myself! _He walks out of the house and up Death Mountain_

Gozz: I hope he dies…

Zack: So is that why there's that crazy light above the mountain?

Navi: Yes.

Gozz: I got it! We should get all the Goron's to help us fight him! With Darunia and his gang and all of us we might just stand a chance!

Zack: Good idea! Let's go to Goron City!

_They travel all the way up the mountain and into Goron City_

Skull Kid: There's no one here…

Zack: What the heck? Where'd they all go?

Gozz: Shh! Listen?

_They hear something rolling along 2 floors down_

_They walk down some stairs and see a Goron rolling around the perimeter of the floor_

Zack: Hey where are all the Gorons?

_The Goron stops rolling_

Goron: Who are you?

Zack: I'm Zack.

Goron: _Gasp_ My name is also Zack! My father Darunia named me after you!

Zack: Oh goody…

Goron: Ganondorf came here a while ago and captured some of the Goron's and took them to the Fire Temple. My dad is in there now trying to rescue them. Ganondorf locked them up to show the people of Hyrule what happens to people who resist him. He plans to feed the Goron's to Volvagia and film it live.

Gozz: I want to watch!

Navi: Gozz!

Zack: Well there goes our plan of teaming up on Volvagia…

Gozz: I guess we can free all of them then go fight him…

Skull Kid: But then Darunia will probably be dead.

Zack: Well…I guess were just gonna have to go in there and give it our best shot!

Goron: Wait! You can't!

Zack: Why not? You want us to save your dad or not?

Goron: I do! But you'll never survive the heat inside the mountain…Only Goron's tough skin is strong enough to withstand it.

Gozz: So now what do we do?

Goron: Take these! I already gave one to a guy named Link not long ago… _He hands them each a red vest_

Zack: What's this gonna do?

Goron: It will protect you from the heat. It's a Goron Tunic and it's completely heat-proof!

Skull Kid: But it only covers our chests. How's it gonna protect our whole body?

Goron: It's magic. Trust me.

Zack: Ok… _They all put on there Goron Tunics_

Gozz: Wow, these things are pretty cool looking! Thanks!

Goron: No problem! Now please! Go save my dad! The quickest way to the temple is to go to the top of the mountain and head down in the crater.

Zack: Alright. We'll do our best.

Goron: And take this! _He hands Zack a Bow and a quiver full of arrows _You never know when you'll need to shoot someone.

Zack: Thanks.

Skull Kid: One last question Goron. You said only some of the Gorons were captured. Where are the others.

Goron: Oh, they're in the dinner hall.

Skull Kid: Having their assistance would help. Can they come with us?

Goron: No

Zack: Why not?

Goron: Well we had a feast last night and we were experimenting with some new exotic ingredients. Everyone became violently ill and puked and passed out. When Ganondorf raided the city, it was so nasty in the dining hall that he wouldn't even go in.

Zack: Honestly, I'm surprised you guys don't get sick more often with the kinda crap you eat.

Goron: It must've been dirty dishes…

Gozz: Whatever helps you sleep at night little man. We gotta go.

Goron: Good luck!

_They leave Goron City and after a long climb reach the Death Mountain Crater_

Zack: Here we go…

_They walk in_

Gozz: Wow there's lava everywhere. Where do we go?

Skull Kid: Let's go across that bridge

_They start to cross the bridge when they see that there's a big hole in it_

Zack: No problem. I'll just hook shot over. _He shoots his hook shot into a wooden post and drags himself across_

_He throws the hook shot back over to Gozz and they all take turns zipping across_

???: I'm surprised you made it this far…

_They spin around_

Zack: Not Sheik…

Sheik: Hello weary travelers. The road ahead is rough but do not despair, the entrance to the Fire Temple is right over there… _She points to a tunnel behind her_

Gozz: Since when are you a poet?

Sheik: I've been a poet all my life, I stabbed my sister with a knife, I'll gladly be your lovely wife if only you would heal my strife…

Navi: That was lovely _She blinks back tears_

Gozz: That made no sense at all.

Sheik: To the common folk who haven't a clue, my words will not get through to you, it's not my fault your shlong never grew, for my favorite colors blue…

Navi: That touched my heart. Sheik, that was beautiful.

_She plays a melody on her harp_

Sheik: The song is called the Bolero of Fire; its power is one you should admire, just play it once and off you go, to the mountain where it never snows…

_Zack copies it_

Gozz: Well, she was more annoying when she used all those big words.

Zack: I don't know…

Sheik: Alas, it's true, I've stayed to long, do not forget this sacred song! _She throws a deku nut and vanishes_

Skull Kid: Let's go in the temple.

Zack: What? I thought we had to play the song.

Skull Kid: It's right down this tunnel.

Gozz: What a waste

Zack: Alrighty then… _They walk in_

_They spot Link and Darunia standing in front of a large door_

Darunia: Brother! I knew you would come!

_He and Zack look around_

Zack: Who are you talking to?

Darunia: You brother! You! _He points at Zack_

Zack: Do you need glasses?

Darunia: Oops! Silly me! I forgot to tell you that if someone does a favor for a Goron then they become sworn brothers.

Zack: Even the girls?

Darunia: What's a girl?

Zack: Aren't there two kinds of Gorons?

Darunia: Two kinds? What nonsense is this?!

Zack: This nonsense is called the circle of life. Boys and girls make babies.

Darunia: The Gorons are boys only. I know nothing of this "girl" creature you mentioned.

Gozz: Why am I not surprised?

Zack: So if there are only boys then how do you have kids?

Gozz: I'd rather not know.

Darunia: By rubbing our armpits together and chanting the sacred mating call, how else?

Gozz: Yeah, how else? What are you smoking Zack? Two kinds? What are you babbling about?

Skull Kid: Interesting people, these Gorons…

Gozz: Interesting? More like gay in-breds.

Link: Be polite to your brother!

Gozz: Up yours! I'm not related to this armpit f#$(r!

Darunia: You guys go free my other brothers from there cells. I'll take care of the dragon.

Zack: With what?

Darunia: Goron Gluteus might, what else?

Gozz: Should've seen that coming…

Darunia: Wish me luck! _He walks threw the door_

Link: We must help our brother!

Gozz: We mustn't.

Link: We must!

Zack: Hey, he's all yours; I'm gonna save my other brothers from another mother, Yaw MEEN?

Link: Good riddance! _He marches threw the door_

Gozz: I hope he dies…

_They go threw the other door and see 3 more doors in front of them_

Zack: I wonder how many Gorons are locked up in here…

Gozz: Hey! What's that flier say?

_They walk over to the wall and read it_

Greetings. My name is Ganondorf. I have locked up 3 Gorons in this temple. I have also left the keys to their cages lying around so that anyone can just pick them up. Have a nice day.

**GANONDORF**

Zack: How convenient.

Skull Kid: We should split up and look around for them.

Gozz: Good idea, let's each go through one of these doors.

_Zack goes left, Gozz takes the middle, and Skull Kid goes right_

_Zacks Path_

_Zack walks through the door_

???: Eyh! Eyh!

Zack: What the?

_An armored raptor carrying a sword leaps out of the shadows_

Zack: What the heck is you?

???: I'm a Lizalfo! And I have orders to kill anyone who enters here!

Zack: You're welcome to try. _He unsheathes the Master Sword_

Lizalfo: Hahaha! That toothpick is no threat! _It leaps forward and slashes at Zack's head_

_Zack blocks it with his shield and cuts into the Lizalfo's side as it staggers back_

Lizalfo: Ahhh! Now you'll pay! _It stabs at Zack's chest_

_Zack parries the blow and pushes the Lizalfo against a wall with his sword_

Zack: Thanks for the workout…

_He pulls back his sword to drive it threw the Lizalfo's gut_

_Suddenly, another Lizalfo leaps out of nowhere and forces Zack to jump out of the way_

Lizalfo: Hahaha! Individually we Lizalfos aren't the best fighters but 2 of us are more than enough to beat the likes of you!

_They try to pincer attack Zack_

_Zack blocks their blades with his shield and sword and gathers magic at tip of his sword_

Lizalfo: huh?

_Zack unleashes a cyclone attack that knocks the Lizalfo's off their feet_

Lizalfos: Ahh!

Zack: Now I got you…_He lunges to cut down one of the Lizalfos when a third joins the fight_

Lizalfo: DIE! _It slashes at Zack who once again has to sacrifice a kill to leap out of the way_

Zack: Damn you guys… How many of you are there?

_2 more hop out bringing the total of Lizalfos to 5_

Lizalfo: Heh heh heh! How are you gonna beat 5 of us? _They surround him_

Zack: I'll think of something. _He pulls out his hookshot and shoots it into one of the Lizalfos_

Lizalfo: Rush him!_ They charge at Zack_

_Zack swings the dead Lizalfos body into them knocking them over like bowling pins_

_Zack throws a bomb at each of the downed Lizalfos_

Lizalfos: NO!

_The bombs blow up and Lizalfo chunks land everywhere_

_An item flies from the Lizalfos remains_

Zack: Hm? _He picks it up and examines them. _Good a key!_ He puts it in his pocket_

???:Help me!

_Zack looks around spots a Goron in a cage_

Zack: Don't worry, I got the key!_ He unlocks the cage and the Goron walks out_

Goron: Thank you so much!

Zack: No problem

Goron: But where are my brothers? Have you freed them too?

Zack: My friends are freeing them right now.

Goron: This is good news. Thanks again and good luck! _He heads out of the temple_

Zack: Alright, time to head back…_He leaves to the main chamber_

_Gozz's Path_

_Gozz goes threw his door_

Gozz: A Goron? Already? That was quick!

_He walks over to the Goron_

Goron: Let me out, please.

Gozz: Where's the key?

Goron: _She_ has it! _He points behind Gozz_

_He spins around and sees a teenage girl wearing a red tank top and skirt_

Gozz: (Fat Albert) Hey, Hey, Hey! _He walks up to her _I thought this temple was hot but you… you're in a league of your own!

Girl: Thanks. Why don't you come over here and take this key off me? _She lays down on a sofa_

Gozz: Your wish is my command! _He sits down next to her_. Where's the key?

Girl: Right here…Could you get it for me?

_She points to a chain around her neck and traces it down to her chest where the key is nestled between her breasts_

Gozz: n…no problem…_He reaches down and "accidentally" grabs her breast instead of the key _oops! Sorry…_ He grabs the key and pockets it_. I guess I'll go free him…_ He starts to get up_

Girl: What's the rush? _She pulls him by his arm and drags him back to the sofa_. Come here…_She puts his head in her lap and strokes his hair_

Gozz: Uhh…

Girl: Your hair is so soft…_She bends her head down to him_. I'm gonna do something…I hope you like it…_She runs her hands up his neck_

Gozz: What're you…GACK!

_She starts choking him_

_He tries to grab his spear but she uses her other arm and throws it across the room_

_He tries to loosen her grip but his vision starts fading_

Gozz: GAH!

_She uses both of her hands and squeezes his neck as hard as she can, digging her nails into his neck_

_His arms flail and he feels something heavy underneath the sofa_

_He grabs it and swings it as hard as he can into her head_

Girl: Ugh! _She flies across the room and hits a wall_

Gozz: A hammer?

Girl: Oh… _She gets to her feet_ What the? The Megaton Hammer? How? Only The One can use it.

Gozz: The One? You're looking at him! _He puffs out his chest_

Girl: Yeah. The legend says only the gayest man on the planet with a millimeter long wang can use it. It must be you.

_Gozz acts confused_

Gozz: The One? Never heard of him…

Girl: Oh well…One or not I guess I'm gonna have to kill you…sorry…

Gozz: Don't kid yourself! I'll destroy you with this hammer!

Girl: I'm not helpless as you'll soon see… _She floats off the ground_

_Peter Pan "You can fly" plays_

Gozz: You can fly!

Goron: You can fly!

Narrator: You can fly!

Girl: And I can do this! (_Song ends) Flames form and aura around her_

Gozz: Holly hell! What are you?!

Girl: I'm a Flare Dancer. I'm a master of fire and am very deadly. Care for a demonstration? _She shoots a fireball at Gozz_

Gozz: Oh my gosh! _He dives out of the way_

_The girl flies in front of him and uppercuts him_

Gozz: Ugh! _He flips and lands on his back_

Girl: Heh…_She launches a stream of fireballs at Gozz_

Gozz: EEE! _He puts his shield up and it melts under the heat._ How?! This shield blocked King Dodongo's flames!

Girl: Tee hee hee! _She fires a beam of fire at him_

_Gozz side steps it and chucks his shield at her_

_The shield conks her in the face_

Girl: Uhh…_She falls to the ground_

Gozz: Now's my chance! _He dashes over to her and swings his hammer at her_

Girl: You fool…_She summons a barrier of fire around herself and pushes him back while burning him_

Gozz: GAH! It burns!

Girl: Your pathetic..._She makes a rope of fire and it wraps around his leg_

Gozz: HOT! OwwwWOW! _He tries to pull it off but only burns his hands _GAH! AHHH! GOD DAMN THAT'S HOT! _He screams as it starts to sizzle his skin _HOLY SHIT GET IT OFF! _He slams his leg against the ground_

_The girl giggles_

Girl: You're too funny! _She grabs the rope and swings it over her head, slamming it into the ground repeatedly_

Gozz: Meh…_His leg is smoking at the smell of cooked flesh is in the air_

Girl: You bore me…Time to die! _She swings the rope above her head_

Gozz: Uh…_His strength leaves him and he drops the hammer which lands on her head_

Girl: Ow…_She faints and her fire rope disappears_

Gozz: You…lose…_He falls out of the air and slams into the ground_

Gozz: F…fudge…_He starts to pass out_

Goron: Hey! Let me out before you take a nap!

Gozz: Hold…on…_He slowly crawls over to the cage and unlocks it_

Goron: About time! How dare you make me wait you selfish little brat? _The Goron kicks him in the face_

Gozz: Uh…_He passes out_

_The Goron leaves_

_Skull Kid's Path_

_Skull Kid creeps through the door_

_He sees a large crack in the wall_

Skull Kid: Explosion! _He points 2 fingers at the crack and it blows open. He walks threw the hole_

Skull Kid: There he is! _He goes up to the Gorons cage_

Goron: Let me out!

Skull Kid: I will...hmm...I don't see the key...

Goron: I ate it.

Skull Kid: WHY?

Goron: Well I've been locked up in here for awhile and I was hungry.

Skull Kid: How long ago did you eat it?

Goron: About 30 minutes ago.

Skull Kid: I'm not going to sit hear and wait for it to come out! _sigh _You leave me no choice...

Goron: What are you going to do?

Skull Kid: Psychic surgery _He hypnotizes the Goron and makes him come to the front of the cage He puts the Goron to sleep _

Skull Kid: Never done this before but how hard can it be? Here goes nothing _He pushes his hand into the Gorons belly _Yuck! _He feels something slimy _Is this the key? _He grabs it and pulls_ Eh? _He keeps pulling until he has about 3 yards worth_ Oh! It's his intestines! _He stuffs them back in and spots something silver _The key! _He grabs it and closes the wound _

_He makes the Goron wake up _

Goron: Did you find it?

Skull Kid: Wow you can talk!? I didn't even think you would've lived through that!

Goron: Why not?

Skull Kid: No reason. I got the key

_He unlocks the cage _

Goron: Hurray! I'm saved! I'll never forget you!

_He leaves _

Skull Kid: Yuck..._He shakes the Goron guts off his hand _Time to get out of here... _He walks to the main chamber_

_Zack enters the main chamber _

Zack: Looks like I'm the first one done!

_Skull Kid walks out _

Skull Kid: Well I freed my Goron...

Zack: Me too...Hey! Where's Gozz?

Skull Kid: Give him a minute...

_10 minutes later _

Zack: Where is he?

Skull Kid: Let's check his room...

_They enter the center door _

Skull Kid: There he is! _He walks over to Gozz's body _He's still alive...Just uncouncious...I can patch him up in a minute.

_He starts healing Gozz _

Zack: Forget him! Look at this! _He walks over to the uncouncious Flare Dancer _What a rack! _He circles around _nice ass too! Skull Kid check this out!

_Skull Kid walks over _

Skull Kid: What about it?

Zack: What do you mean, "What about it", IT is hot as hell and I'm taking advantage of this! Skull Kid heal her up!

Skull Kid: Whatever..._ Green energy rushes from his hands into the girl Gozz groans and sits up _

Gozz: Ahh..._He looks at the scar on his leg_ Hey guys! What're you... STOP!

_He runs over to them _

Zack: WHAT?

Gozz: Don't wake her up! She almost killed me! She freakin shoots fire and stuff and she tries to trick you!

Zack: What ever...

_Skull Kid pulls his hands away and she starts to stir _

Gozz: I'm outta here! _He runs out of the room _

Girl: Wha...?

_Zack puts his arm around her_

Zack: Shhh! It's ok! I healed you up. Your gonna be fine...

Girl: Where's that guy I was fighting?

Zack: Oh I burned his body to ashes when I saw what he had done to you. How could he hurt a girl? I would _never_ hit a girl!

Girl: That's sweet... What's your name?

Zack: Zack.

Girl: My names Pyra

Zack: You think you can stand?

Pyra: Let me try...

_Zack helps her up _

Pyra: Thank you..._She kisses him _

Zack: mmm...

Skull Kid: You done yet? We got a dragon to kill ya know...

Zack: Right! Listen Pyra, wait here for a minute, me and Skull Kid are gonna go kill that dragon.

Pyra: By yourselves? You'll get anihilated!

Zack: Don't worry, I got this! _He pulls out the Master Sword _

Pyra: Wow! Legend has it only the man with the biggest wang in the universe can use that sword!

Zack: I can use it all right! and I'm gonna kill that dragon so we can go on a date!

Pyra: Ok! I'll wait on the couch..._She lays down _

Zack: All right Skull Kid...Let's go kill this thing!

_They walk out to the main chamber and meet up with Gozz _

Gozz: What happened?

_Zack quickly answers before Skull Kid can tell the truth _

Zack: I killed her

Gozz: Good...

Skull Kid: Ok it's now or never...

_They go threw the boss door _

_They are on a large piece of jagged, burnt, land surrounded by lava_

Zack: Where are Link and Darunia? They didn't die did they?

Gozz: Not that it's a bad thing if they did or anything… I'm keeping my fingers crossed

Skull Kid: No! Look! _He points into the distance where Link and Darunia are running away from a stream of fire _

Skull Kid: We gotta help them! Let's go!

_They run over to where they are running _

Link: Bout time you showed up! We're tired!

Zack: Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it.

Gozz: Did you at least hurt the dragon?

Darunia: I got in a few punches and Link hit it a couple of times on its foot. But really wer'e the ones taking the damage.

Link: Volvagia's fire is to hot for our fire tunics. It just burns right through.

Darunia: Not even my Goron skin can withstand it and its LAVA proof. We're gonna need a miracle to win this one...

Gozz: So where is the dragon anyway?

_The dragon erupts from the ground and flies at them _

Volvagia: ROOOOOAR! _It swipes at them with it's claws _

Zack: Whoa!

_They leap out of the way _

Gozz: YAH! _He smashes the Megaton Hammer into the Dragon's face, right between its eyes _

Volvagia: URGH! THAT CURSED HAMMER! I'M GONNA RIP YOU APART AND FEED YOU TO SKULLTALAS! _It rears back to breathe fire _

Zack: What an idiot! _He chucks a bomb into its mouth _

Gozz: YES!

Volvagia: HAHAHA! _He spits it back at them _

Everyone: AHHH! _The explosion sends them flying _

Volvagia: DID YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT TRICK WOULD WORK AGAINST ME?

_Zack pulls out his hookshot and shoots it into Volvagia's stomache _

Volvagia: AHHH! YOU FILTHY HUMAN!

_Zack zips up and starts hacking away at it's belly with the Master Sword _

Volvagia: HEH! _It falls onto the ground like a belly flop _

Zack: HOLY!

_Skull Kid pulls Zack out of the way with a gust of wind just before it would have crushed him _

Zack: Damn! I thought that would work!

Volvagia: NICE MOVE! BUT NOW I'LL JUST STAY UP HERE AND SHOOT FIRE AT YOU UNTIL YOU DIE! YOU CAN'T DODGE FOREVER! _It shoots a sea of fire at them _

Gozz: Oh man this is it...

Skull Kid: BARRIER! _Green bubbles surround them and the fire bounces harmlessly off _

VOLVAGIA: HAH! YOU CAN'T STOP IT FOREVER EITHER! _He shoots even more fire at them _

Skull Kid: I don't have enough magic energy left to stop it...

Zack: NO!

Gozz: I DON'T WANNA DIE!

Pyra: Yah! _She comes flying out of nowhere and absorbs the fire _Thanks for the power up!

Volvagia: WHAT? A FLARE DANCER! HAHAHA! YOU MAY ABSORB FIRE BUT HOW ABOUT THIS! _It starts knocking staltices off the ceiling and they fall down at them _

Gozz: I thought you said you killed her!

Pyra: I thought you said you killed him!

Zack: Sorry! We'll talk about this later! _They all jump out of the way of a stalatice _

Darunia: It's no good...we can't even hit him

Zack: Wait! _He pulls out his bow and loads an arrow _This has to hurt him _He shoots it and it hit's Volvagia in the eye _

Volvagia: AH! MY EYE! CURSE YOU! _It flies down super fast while dodging Zack's arrows_ DODGE THIS ONE SONIC!

Link: It's gonna squish us flat!

Gozz: Split up!

Skull Kid: We won't make it!

Pyra: Help me!

_Zack has a flash-back of when he was in a Great Fairy Cave _

Great Fairy: I am the Great Fairy of Power, I'll teach you Farore's Wind

Zack: That's it! _He summons portals around everyone and warps them out of the way _

_Volvagia slams into the ground _

Volvagia: WHAT! WHERE'D THEY GO!

_They reappear behind him _

Zack: Make it count!

_Gozz smashes the Megaton Hammer into Volvagia's nuts _

_Link clubs it on the tip of it's tail _

Volvagia: UH! BEHIND ME! HOW!

_It spins around _

_Darunia punches him in the mouth busting out his teeth _

_Pyra flies up near its head and shoots a beam of flames into its eye _

_Skull Kid summons a spear of lightning and throws it into its other eye _

Volvagia: GWAH! I WON'T LOSE TO HUMANS! DIE!_ It reaches up and prepares to bring his claws down on them_

_Zack uses Farore's Wind to boost his speed and he springs 15 feet up in the air _

Volvagia: IMPOSSIBLE!

Zack: DIE! _He plunges the Master Sword up threw the roof of his mouth and into its brains Volvagia chokes and topples over, falling into the lava _

Gozz: Awesome! How'd you do that?

_Zack falls down and lands _

Zack: Those faries weren't lying after all. They really did teach us those spells.

Pyra: Well I have to thank you for saving my life... _She makes out with him _

_5 minutes later They pull apart _

Link: um...

Skull Kid: uh...

Gozz: not again...he always steals my girls...

Darunia: What's a girl?

Gozz: YOU KILLED IT!

Zack: Wait! Where's the fire medallion?

Pyra: I have it. Here take it! _She hands it to him and he puts it away _

Zack: Oh yeah! 3 down, 4 to go!

_They walk out of the temple_

_00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

_Re-WRITE )_


	10. Late Hours

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: III

Chapter 10- Late Hours

Darunia: Thank you for saving my people.

Skull Kid: No problem.

Navi: Hey Zack! You really should head to Zora's Domain.

Zack: Why should I listen to you? You've almost got us killed!

Navi: (I'm the one who saved you from that cage!) Just trust me.

Gozz: Don't listen to that preppy pixie. Go wherever you want.

Pyra: Zack, I wanna see Zora's Domain! I've never seen water before in my life!

_Zack quickly tries to hide his need to please Pyra_

Zack: Navi's right! We definitely need to go check on the Zora's!

Pyra: Right on!

Skull Kid:…

Link: Brother, would it be ok if we had supper at your place?

_Zack rounds on Link_

Zack: What are you doing? We need to go to Zor…

Darunia: I'd be honored!

Zack: Nah! It's ok! Were not even really hungry!

Darunia: No I insist! The Goron's would very much enjoy it to see who killed the terrible Volvagia and saved their lives.

Zack: Whatever…

Link: Hurrah! Now I can spend more time with my brothers!

Gozz: You're so gay Link! _He smashes him in the back of the head with his hammer_

_Link faints_

Zack: Oh no! Link has been seriously hurt! The only way we can save him is to go to the doctor at Zora's Domain!

Gozz: Definitely!

Darunia: Nonsense! Our surgeon, Douglass can fix him up in a second! Come now…time's-a-wastin! _He puts his arm around Gozz and walks him up the mountain_

Zack: Let's just get this over with… _He marches after Darunia with Pyra hot on his heels_

Skull Kid: Ah man! _He picks up Link_ Why do I always have to carry the trash?

_They reach Goron city and have supper with Darunia and the Gorons while Douglass (the surgeon) patches up Link_

Pyra: Zack baby, could you pass me that delightful looking plate of biscuits?

Zack: Sure thing! _He grabs a plate of bread and passes it to her_

Pyra: Mmm! This bread is delicious!

Darunia: Thank you! Our chefs work late hours making these exotic wheat products.

Gozz: Wow! This Goron Gatorade isn't bad either! _He chugs it_

Darunia: Thank you! Our juicers work late hours making these exotic beverages.

Skull Kid: This steak is phenomenal! How do you make it?

Darunia: Thank you! Our meat men work late hours cutting up poor defenseless animals.

Zack: You didn't even answer his question!

Darunia: Thank you! Our English and grammar professors work late hours inventing new sentences for me to speak.

Everyone:…

Goron 1: Oh Darunia! Can we pray to the heroes yet?

Darunia: Shut your fat mouth you big titty baby! You will speak when spoken to!

Goron 1: Yes master…

Zack: Okay…_He tries a bit of mashed potatoes_ pretty good! What's in this stuff?

Darunia: The mashed potatoes are made of ground up Dodongo stomachs with powdered Goron sperm. Our sperm donors work late hours yanking their Chiko-sticks to produce this lovely tasting vegetable!

_Zack gags and pushes his plate away_

Pyra: _In a panicked voice _Whoa! What's in the bread!

Darunia: I'm glad you asked! Our bread is simple enough, just ground Stalfo bones and Zora eyeball juice for jelly! Our Goron assassins work late hours kidnapping baby Zora's to produce this delightful jam!

_Pyra rushes from the table to the restrooms_

Pyra: Where's the girls room!

Darunia: What's a girl?

Pyra: Never mind! _She runs in_

Gozz: Don't tell me the Goron Gatorade is nasty to…

Darunia: Silly boy. The Goron Gatorade is anything but nasty. The making of it is an ancient tradition. First we Gorons run up and down the mountain 10 times. Then we wipe off all our sweat into a container. This container then is taken to the flavor factory wear the sweat is mixed with kiwi and salt to increase it's flavor. Our Goron marathon runners work late hours to produce this scrumptious drink!

_Gozz turns to his side and violently throws up all over Goron 1's face_

Goron 1: Oh yes! Vomit from a hero! I must digest! _He starts licking his face trying to drink the juice_

Zack: Uhh…I think I'm gonna be sick…

Goron 2: Don't hog the sacred barf! Brothers, we all must bask in it!

_A bunch of Gorons tackle Goron 1 and start licking and sucking his face, each trying to swallow more barf then the other_

Gozz: Sick bastards…_He wipes his mouth on a napkin_

Skull Kid: What's the steak?

Darunia: Ahh! The steak! We Goron's hunt down nasty ugly skull kids and slit their throats! Then we chop off their privates and mix them with cow patties to create a truly tasty paste! Then we add hamburger and voila, Instant delicious steak! Our highly trained skull kid neuterers work late hours to produce this one-of-a-kind steak!

_Skull Kid is shaking with rage_

Zack: Whoa! Calm down! Take it out on Link!

Skull Kid:_ In a menacing voice_ Why should…I…take it out…on Link?

Zack: Because Link told the Goron's how to make the steak!

Skull Kid: Really?

Zack: Cross my heart and hope to die.

Skull Kid: IM GONNA SAUTAMIZE LINK WITH A PITCHFORK! _He summons a pitchfork and runs to the doctors office_

Zack: I don't wanna miss the show! _He runs after Skull Kid_

_Skull Kid bursts into the doctors office with Zack right behind him_

Skull Kid: WHERES LINK!

Douglass: Muhk,yuhk…In a rush to see your loved one? Muhk, yuhk…I can understand…But he's not entirely stable yet…muhk, yuhk, so you'll have to wait outside until I finish the skull repair…muhk yuhk…

_Skull Kid shoves by Douglass_

Douglass: Hey? Did you muhk, yuhk, here what I said?

_Skull Kid stares down at defenseless unconscious Link_

_He starts laughing evilly_

_He rolls Link over and lifts the pitchfork high into the air_

Douglass: Muhk, yuhk! What're you doing muhk, yuhk?

_Zack is holding back laughter_

Skull Kid: DIE! _He plunges the pitchfork into Link's behind_

Link: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

! _He jumps up and tries to pull it out of his rectum_

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

_Zack howls with laughter_

_Gozz comes over_

Gozz: What are you laughing at…._He sees Link and explodes in laughter_ OH MY GOD! HOW THE? HAHAHAHA! HE HAS A PITCHFORK UP HIS ASS!

Douglass: MUHK, YUHK! WHAT HAVE YOU MUHK, YUHK DONE! NOW I HAVE TO REMOVE A SHARP OBJECT FROM HIS MUHK, YUHK BUM BUM!

_Link is running around in circles screaming bloody murder_

_The "barf licking" Gorons come in_

Goron 1: Oh look! Blood from a hero! We must digest!

_The Gorons pounce on Link and slurp up his blood_

Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!GET OFF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

_The Gorons hold him down and bathe him in spit_

_Zack and Gozz are lying on the floor crying from laughter_

_Pyra walks in_

Pyra: Oh my god what the heck was that noise? _She sees Link _HAHAHAHA! What an idiot!

_Douglass starts laughing too_

_10 minutes later_

Douglass: Muhk, yuhk, funniest thing I've ever seen in my muhk, yuhk life…

_The barf licking Gorons get off Link and leave_

Link: Oh…my…how'd it get there…get it out…get it out…_He moans and falls on the floor bawling_

Skull Kid: That's what you get…_He walks away_

Douglass: It'll take me 4 muhk, yuhk hours to remove that.

Gozz: Don't worry! I got it! _He walks over to Link and grabs the handle_

Link: What are you doing?...Noo…

_Gozz yanks it out_

Link: WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! IM GONNA DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE! RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Douglass: Enough muhk, yuhk of that…_He stabs Link in the arm with a heavy dose of anesthesia_

_Link collapses to the floor unconscious_

Zack: Well we gotta hurry to check on the Zora's…We don't have time to sit here and wait for Link.

Pyra: Let's go now! _She pulls on his arm_

Zack: Alright.

_Zack, Pyra, Gozz and Skull Kid head down the mountain _

Navi: Don't forget me!

_They eventually make it to Kakariko_

Gozz: It's pretty late…Are we gonna sleep at my place again?

Zack: I guess…

_They walk to Gozz's house_

Gozz: What the heck?

_Someone is banging on the door from inside_

Gozz: Who's in my house?

…:You call this a house! Let me outta here!

Skull Kid: It's Saria!

Pyra: Saria? _Her eyes grow dark _Zack do you know this Saria?

Zack: _whispering to her _Not really, we just met…She's um…Gozz's girl…

Pyra: Oh, ok!

_Gozz unlocks the door_

_Saria comes flying out of the door and tackles him_

Saria: I've been trapped in there forever! Think it's funny to make me wait?

_She slaps him across the face_

Gozz: Ugh!

Zack: Hm…I just had a déjà vu…

Saria: Looky here! It's Zack! Looks like you got a hot new girl Zack!

Zack: Yeah…I do. What do you care?

Saria: Because you cheated on me for Malon you bastard!

Pyra: You used to be with this girl?

Zack: Um…

Saria: He still is with me! We never "officially" broke-up.

Zack: In your dreams! Look at you! You don't mean anything to me you stupid little elf! I got a real girl now! I never even liked you! You just claimed me as "yours" since I was freakin 5 years old and I didn't know better!

Saria: How dare you walk out on me!

Zack: I NEVER WALKED IN ON YOU!

Saria: You son of a…_She swings at his face_

Zack: Enough_ He catches her arm _Consider this your "official" break up. _He shoves her to the ground_

Navi: How can you be so heartless? _She's flying around in her bottle like crazy _She loved you!

Saria: Wahh! _She cries_ I hate you! _She runs away_

Zack: I DON'T GIVE A…

Skull Kid: Zack…

Zack: WHAT! WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT THAT IS SO IMPORTANT?

Skull Kid: Look behind you…

_Zack spins around and sees Malon_

Malon: What is all this racket? Oh hi Zack! _She walks over_

Zack: Umm…Malon aren't you supposed to be at the ranch?

Malon: Yeah right! I'm 19! I don't live with my dad! He's still working there with Ingo. He said he wanted to see you.

Zack: Ok…I'll head right over there! Bye Malon!

Malon: Who's that? _She sees Pyra_

Zack: She's…um…that is…

Pyra: I'm his sister!

Malon: Oh! Pleasure to meet you! I'll see _you _later _She kisses Zack and walks away_

Zack: Uh-oh…

Pyra: I TRIED TO COVER FOR YOU AND YOU GO AND KISS HER!

Zack: Not again…Listen she kissed me! I was caught completely off guard!

_Pyra calms down_

Pyra: Oh all right…you do have a point…Let's go to that ranch like she said before she comes looking for you again.

Zack: Good idea…

_They leave Kakariko and head to Lon Lon Ranch_

_They eventually reach the ranch_

Zack: I wonder what he wants…

Pyra: Whatever. I'm tired and I'm going to bed… _She walks into the closest building_

Skull Kid: He's probably in there…_He points to the biggest building_

Zack: Let's check

_They go in_

_They see Talon sleeping_

Gozz: RISE AND SHINE LARD ASS!

_Talon awakens with a jolt_

Talon: Who the hell are you? What do you want?

Zack: What do _you_ want? Malon told me you wanted to talk to me.

Talon: You came for the farm! You'll never take it! NEVER! _He grabs a rake _I WONT GO WITHOUT A FIGHT!

Gozz: What are you talking about?

Talon: BACK! TAKE ONE MORE STEP AND I'LL… _He looks at Zack _Oh hello Zack! What brings you here?

Zack: You bring me here! What do you want?

Talon: Oh yes! Now I remember! I needed to tell you… _He looks over at Gozz and Skull Kid _I can't tell you with them here.

Zack: Why not?

Talon: There not _ready _yet…

_Zack rolls his eyes_

Zack: Could you guys wait outside?

Gozz: Whatever… _He and Skull Kid leave_

Zack: So…What do you want?

Talon: Wait here for a minute. _He walks upstairs_

Zack: This better be good…

_Talon comes back downstairs_

Zack: What the?

_Talon is dressed in a black shirt, black boots, black pants and gloves, and a black trench coat. He also has black sunglasses on_

Zack: What's with the Gothic look and why the heck are you wearing sunglasses at night?

Talon: Ah questions…I could tell you but The Oracle is more fit to answer you…

Zack: Oracle?

Talon: Come with me…_He leads Zack upstairs_

_He heads into a room and slams the door in Zack's face_

Zack: Wha…?

_Ingo comes upstairs_

Ingo: Before you go in…Let me give you one piece of advice…Be honest, he knows more than you can imagine

Zack: Whatever _He walks in_

_He is in a very dark room_

_Talon is staring out the window as a thunderstorm forms outside_

_He turns and sees Zack_

Talon: At last, welcome Neo, as you no doubt have guessed…I am Smurfius.

Zack: First off my names Zack.

Smurfius: I have been waiting for this talk for a long time…

Zack: _sarcastically _It's an honor to meet you. _He holds out his hand and they shake_

Smurfius: No, the honor is mine. Please, sit. _He directs Zack to a chair and Zack sits down_

Smurfius: I imagine that right now you are feeling a bit like Michael Jackson, playing with little boys in your bed.

Zack: _Bewildered _You…could say that…

Smurfius: I can see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up.

Zack: How can you see _anything _with those sunglasses on? Its pitch black in here!

_Smurfius ignores his comments_

Smurfius: Ironically this is not far from the truth…Do you believe in Santa Zack?

Zack: No…

Smurfius: Why not?

Zack: Because I don't like the idea of a fat guy clogging up chimneys.

_Smurfius steps forward_

Smurfius: I know exactly what you mean _He sits _Let me tell you why you're here. You are here because you know something. What you know you can't explain. But you feel it. You've felt it your entire life. That there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a young black man in the PGA tour. Driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me.

_Zack stares dumbfounded at "Smurfius"_

Smurfius: Do you know what I'm talking about?

_Zack takes a wild guess_

Zack: The…Triforce?

Smurfius: Do you want to know what it is?

_Zack nods_

Smurfius: Jehovah Witnesses are everywhere…

Zack: What does that have to do with the Triforce?

_Smurfius ignores him again_

Smurfius: They're all around us, even now in this very room…

_Zack looks at a pile of steaming hot cucoo crap and shivers, imagining them hiding in it_

Smurfius: You can see them when you look out your window, or when you turn on your television. You can feel them when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes…AND YOU CANT GET AWAY FROM THEM WHEN THEY DECIDE TO TRY TO GET YOU TO JOIN THEIR CHURCH! _He calms down_ They are the wool that is pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.

Zack: What truth?

Smurfius: That you are a slave Zack, like everyone else you were born into bondage, forced by your girlfriend into a prison that you can not see in, or feel in. A prison for your male reproductive organs

Zack: You don't mean…!

Smurfius: Yes. A latex condom. _He suddenly forgets what he just said and babbles on _Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Jehovah Witnesses are…_He pulls out a small silver case _You have to see them for yourself _He empties the case into his hands and leans forward _This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back_ He opens his left hand which has a blue pill in it _You take the blue pill, and you'll learn about the missing piece of the Triforce, but you'll be doomed to be a Jehovah Witness for life _He opens his other hand which has a red pill in it _You take the red pill and you don't learn about the Triforce but you'll never be bothered by Jehovah Witnesses again

_Zack sighs_

Zack: How can I possibly choose? I want to learn about the Triforce but there's no way in hell I'm gonna be a Jehovah Witness!

Navi: Do you want to learn about the Triforce or not?

Zack: I guess I must…_Suddenly he grins and grabs both pills_

Smurfius: You can only take one…

_Zack swallows them both_

Zack: What now?

Smurfius: Follow me _He walks back downstairs and slams the door in his face_

Zack: Again? _He opens the door and walks in _

_Smurfius is dressed as Talon again_

Zack: What the heck? Are you Smurfius or Talon?

Smurfius/Talon: Who's Smurfius? This isn't the Matrix!

Zack: Well you sure as hell could've fooled me.

Talon: See these 3 cucoos? _He points to his lap which has 3 cucoos in it_

Zack: Yeah…

Talon: There Super Cucoos! And they require capitalization!

Zack: So? GET TO YOUR FREAKIN POINT!

Talon: I'm gonna have you open that door over there and when you do hundreds of cucoos are gonna come out. Your gonna try to find the 3 Super Cucoos in the pack of normal cucoos!

Zack: Why?

Talon: Cuz it'll be fun that's why!

Zack: Forget this! You've wasted to much of my time…I'm outta here…

Talon: Wait! If you win I'll tell you all about the missing piece of the Triforce!

Zack: You better not be lying…

Talon: Me lie? Nonsense! That's preposterous! That's like some fat guy dressing up as Morpheous!

Zack: …

Talon: Do we got a deal?

Zack: Deal

Talon: Now go open the door

_Zack walks over and opens the door_

_Hundreds and thousands of cucoos fly out and trample Talon_

Talon: Uhhh…_He pants as blood pours out his belly from the cucoo claws_ I don't think I'm gonna…make it… _He falls down motionless. _

Zack: HURRY! TELL ME ABOUT THE MISSING PIECE OF THE TRIFORCE!

Talon: The missing piece…of the Triforce…is…

Zack: WHAT!

Talon: missing…_He dies_

Zack: NO! REALLY? I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! THANKS A LOT! _He kicks Talons skull in_

Cucoos: Murderer! _They're eyes glow red and they march towards Zack_

Zack: How am I a murderer? The guy was already dead! You guys are the one's that killed him!

Cucoos: Destroy the intruder! _Red lasers shoot from their eyes_

Zack: HOLY MOSES! _He runs out of the building and slams the door shut_

Zack: Guys…you won't believe what just…_He looks around but Gozz and Skull Kid are nowhere to be seen_

Zack: Where'd you guys go?

Malon: Hi!

Zack: Where did my crew go?

Malon: Oh them? They went over to the guest room. They got tired of waiting for you.

Zack: What are you doing here?

Malon: I just wanted to make sure everything was ok. My dad can be a bit unpredictable at times.

Zack: No kidding…

Malon: Hey Zack…Remember way back when you first came here?

_Zack thinks about making out with her_

Zack: Yeah! Good times!

Malon: Remember the song I taught you?

Zack: Oh…_That_… Yeah, what about it?

Malon: I re-wrote it. It's now called "The Malon Melody" cuz I made it.

Zack: woo…

Malon: Do you want to here it?

_Zack, who was obviously wanting to do different things, shrugged_

Malon: It goes like this…_She whispers in his ear_

Zack: Ooh! I like it!

Malon: You do?

Zack: Oh your talking about the song? I was talking about…

_Malon stares at him_

Zack: Um…What was I saying? Of course I like the song! Almost as much as I like you!

Malon: Mmm…Will you play it for me?

Zack: Been awhile since I played this thing…_He pulls out his ocarina and plays the song_

_The ground starts shaking_

Zack: Whoa! What's that song do?

Malon: It calls all kinds of animals! Not just Epona.

Zack: Oh great…_Jungle, farm, forest, desert, and artic animals charge out of nowhere and trample Zack_

Zack: Uhh…Just like Talon…

Malon: What?

_Zack hops to his feet_

Zack: Nothing! What the?

_A single beam of light shines down at them threw the storm clouds_

Zack: Ahh! It's a UFO! There gonna abduct us and perform all kinds of twisted experiments on us! They'll rip our teeth out and…

Malon: Look!

_Zack looks up and sees a heavenly figure in a white robe descend from the clouds_

Zack: Huh?

_The figure's back is facing them_

Mystery Man: I am Jesus. You called?

Zack: Jesus isn't an animal! What kind of song did you invent?

Malon: I don't know this hasn't happened before…

Jesus: Zack, I come with information on the missing piece of the Triforce…

Zack: TELL ME!

Jesus: First a little review… I assume you know Farore is the Goddess of Courage, Din of Power and Nayru of Wisdom?

Zack: Yeah…

Jesus: There was another goddess…Her name was Vegas, the goddess of luck. While Din created the earth, and Farore created life, and Nayru created the law, Vegas created things that were not so noticeable, such as ESP, luck and spirits. Eventually, the other 3 goddesses got annoyed that she was doing so little and kicked her off the planet. Originally, the Triforce was called the Tetraforce, 3 golden triangles and a silver one in the middle. Once Vegas was banished, they simply removed her piece of the Triforce and cast it away.

Zack: Where is it?

Jesus: That's the question isn't it? And it can't really be answered. You see, unlike the Triforce which is sealed away in a sacred place, the other piece of it is simply moving from place to place as people find it, steal it, and sell it museums. It's location is tough to pinpoint because by the time your sure you know where it's at, when you get there it's already gone…

Zack: Could you tell me where it's at right now?

Jesus: Yes…It's in Ganondorf's castle.

Zack: Great…How the hell am I supposed to get in there?

Jesus: You can't…yet. It's true your hook-shot isn't long enough to reach it but by the time you have all 7 medallions you'll have the right equipment to reach it quite easily. But that's not the problem.

Zack: What is it?

Jesus: Two of Ganondorf's men…Darth Marth and his brother Roy The Boy, are not to happy with the way they are being bossed around. They may attempt to steal it and if they do then they'll be out of Hyrule in the blink of an eye.

Zack: Isn't the only way out of Hyrule threw the Lost Woods?

Jesus: That's the main way, although there are several others, it's the easiest, fastest, and safest one.

Zack: Well this is Ganondorf were talking about! Wouldn't he just kill them if they tried to steal it?

Jesus: You'd be surprised… These two are Ganondorf's right hand men, his generals. They are not some weak pushovers like Phantom Ganon or Volvagia. Both of them could probably easily hold of Ganondorf long enough to escape. Once they're out of Hyrule and are beyond charted lands, I doubt even Ganondorf could find them…

Zack: So what the hell am I gonna do? If I waste time collecting the medallions I might lose the Triforce for good. And if I try to spy on Ganondorf's castle I might get attacked by Redeads or 2 crazy guys who are almost as strong as Ganondorf!

Jesus: The answer is rather simple. Follow your heart…you might get lucky.

Zack: Words of wisdom right there…

Jesus: Well I must be going now…The virgin Mary is trying to lose her V-card again…I probably won't see you again so farewell! _Jesus flies up into the heavens_

Malon: Wow…

Zack: Now I have even more questions then I did before…Follow my heart…What is he talking bout? _He glances over at Malon_

_His hands start sweating and he feels really heavy_

Zack: Oh boy…I didn't think he meant _that…_

Malon: Meant what?

Zack: About following my heart…I thought he meant something like "go back home" or "get those medallions"

Malon: What was he talking about?

_Zack puts his head in his hands_

Malon: What's with you? You feeling ok? _She puts her hand on his forehead _Jesus Zack! Your burnin up! You must have a fever or something. Let me go get an ice pack…_She stands up_

Zack: Wait…_He stands up_

Malon: Yeah?

Zack: I uh… I want to tell you somethin'… shoulda told you a while ago…

Malon: What? If it's about that cucoo I gave you…

Zack: It's not about that…It's about Pyra. You see she's not really my sister.

Malon: Who is she?

Zack: Some girl I met near Kakariko…we kinda hooked up…

Malon: Well it has been 7 years Zack, who would expect you to be faithful for that long?

Zack: I would. I should've. I messed up. I…I wanna be with you.

Malon: But what about Pyra?

Zack: I don't know. It's not like she could find out.

Malon: Your right…_She leans forward_

_Zack leans forward_

_Just before their about to kiss, Gozz comes walking out_

_Quickly they act like their just talking_

Gozz: Yo Zack! Ingo just told us about this really cool place!

Zack: What is it?

Gozz: It's a party going down in Gerudo Fortress. It's gonna be like a club. You wanna go?

Zack: I'll go if Malon goes.

Malon: I'll come! When is it?

Gozz: Tomorrow, it starts at 10:30 so you 2 should get some rest.

Zack: Yeah yeah, on my way…_Gozz walks back inside_

Zack: Well…night Malon. _He starts to walk inside_

Malon: I don't know if I'll see you again until tomorrow so here…_She throws a tape to him_

Zack: What's on this tape? Scary Movie 2?

Malon: No, just me.

Zack: What are you…Ah…_That _kind of tape.

_Malon winks_

Zack: Goodnight. _He goes inside and crashes on the couch_

_Around 11 o 'clock _

_Zack yawns and sits up_

Pyra: Sleep good?

Zack: Next to you who wouldn't?

_Pyra laughs and they get off the couch_

Zack: Hm…The others aren't here…

Pyra: Their probably having breakfast.

Zack: I want breakfast! After that "Goron Feast" even Ingo's cooking won't make me gag.

_They go to the kitchen and sit down with everyone else_

Malon: Hey, have any of you seen my dad?

Zack: Nope!

Malon: Maybe he went on a business trip or something…

Zack: (or maybe he was killed by man-eating cucoos)

Ingo: Here you are…_He sets down a plate in front of Zack_

Zack: Ah…BACON! Finally food that doesn't come from Gorons who work late hours. _He inhales his food_

Skull Kid: Everyone done? We really should go to Zora's Domain.

Zack: Right, I almost forgot!

_Zack and his crew leave Lon Lon Ranch and head to Zora's Domain_

Gozz: Wow, kinda chilly here…

_Zack shivers_

Pyra: Wow! The snowflakes are so pretty…_She stares at them_

Navi: Care for a lesson about the water cycle?

Pyra: Do I!

Navi: Well, when precipitation hit land and the sun starts to evaporate it…

Zack: That's enough Navi…Besides, were here.

_They enter Zora's Domain_

Gozz: What the heck? There all frozen solid! _He walks up to a frozen Zora and examines it_

Skull Kid: I wish we could ask them what happened…

Pyra: Maybe we can! I could probably thaw them out with my fire.

Zack: Good idea!

_Pyra shoots a jet of flame at the iced Zora but it's unaffected_

Skull Kid: This isn't normal ice... It looks permanent.

Gozz: How did this happen?

Navi: Well it's obvious this didn't happen naturally!

Zack: So how did it happen Ms. Know-It-All?

Navi: How am I supposed to know? You never let me out of this bottle.

Gozz: Then how do you know it didn't happen naturally?

Navi: I…I don't have to explain myself to you!

Zack: Explain this! _He raises Navi's bottle above his head_

Navi: Stop! You don't want to do this!

Zack: Oh yes I do! So long Navi!

Skull Kid: Wait! Let's look around for a bit before we start bickering.

_Zack reluctantly lowers the bottle and straps it back on his belt_

_They snoop around for awhile and eventually end up on King Zora's room_

Zack: Weird. The ice around him is red…

Skull Kid: Maybe we can break him out.

Gozz: Lemme try. _He smashes his hammer into the ice_

Pyra: What are you…?

_The ice shatters and King Zora is reduced to a million little crystals_

Navi: YOU KILLED HIM!

Gozz: You said "Break him out"…

Skull Kid: Not like that! Not literally!

Zack: Yeah. If I tell you to "hit the sack" are you gonna smack yourself in the nuts?

Gozz: No…

Navi: Way to go! We might have been able to save him but you had to go and break him like glass!

Gozz: What do you mean _we?_ You don't do anything. You just zoom around in that bottle and boss us around!

Skull Kid: Calm down. It's over. There's nothing we can do for him but maybe we can find a way to help the others.

Zack: Hey! Member that Jabu-Jabu hippo thing?

Gozz: Yeah! It told us Link had a vag…

Zack: I bet that big old thing didn't freeze! Maybe it can tell us what happened!

Navi: Wow…A good idea from Zack…I guess there are miracles!

Zack: Wow! A conversation where Navi actually says more then one line! I guess there are miracles!

_They walk beyond the gate and end up near Jabu-Jabu's crib_

Zack: He's not here!

Gozz: Forget that fool! He'd probably just try to eat us again…

Skull Kid: When you guys were here before, was that cave there?

Zack: What cave?

_Skull kid points and off in the distance they see an ice cave_

Zack: Never seen it before!

Pyra: Let's check it out!

_They scramble over the ice and go in the cave_

Gozz: God it's cold in here!

_They walk deeper into the cave_

Zack: OORUH! A treasure chest! _He walks towards it_

…: AROO!

_A white wolfo hops out of the snow_

Gozz: Ooh scary! A lil poochy pooch! What can it do against all us?

_The wolfo howls and leaps at Gozz_

_Gozz crushes it's skull in with his hammer_

Gozz: That was gay…

_Zack opens the chest_

Skull Kid: What's in it?

Zack: Damn these things are heavy! _He pulls out a pair of boots with metal on their toes_

Gozz: Why the hell would anyone wear those? For jogging practice?

Navi: Well if you wear heavy shoes then wind won't blow you away and you can sink down underwater.

Zack: We don't have gills you stupid sprite! We can't breathe underwater!

Navi: Well you better find a way to because all that's around here is water and that's probably the only place your gonna find clues.

Skull Kid: I know who can help us.

Zack: Help us what?

Skull Kid: Help us find out what happened to the Zora's and help us breathe underwater.

Zack: Who?

Skull Kid: A friend of mine. I don't know his name but I know where he lives.

Gozz: Does he have problems like that coughing Mr. Poe?

Skull Kid: He doesn't cough but…his memory isn't so sharp. He tends to remember stuff that didn't really happen and he'll mix it up with stuff that did happen.

Zack: Do you know any _normal _people?

Skull Kid: Not who can help us now…It's either him or no one.

Zack: Ahh…Whatever…Let's just get out of here…

_A few hours later, Skull Kid has led them all the way back to Lake Hylia_

Pyra: Wow! Look at all the water! Can I go in it Zack?

Zack: Do you really need my permission? Do what you want.

Pyra: Yay! _She walks over to the water_

Skull Kid: He lives in that house right there._ He points to a house near the edge of the lake_

Gozz: Well what are we waiting for? Let's g…_He looks out at the water and starts drooling_

Zack: Whatch'a lookin at? _He looks where Gozz is looking _Oh…wow…

_Pyra strips down to her underwear and bra and the sun is reflecting off her skin_

Gozz: That is one hot ass momma!

Navi: Show some respect to her! How would you like it if girls were staring at you and drooling?

Gozz: I'd love that, are you serious?

_Zack is sweating and squeezing his eyes shut_

Zack: Must…control…remember Malon…

_She wades into the water_

Gozz: Ahh man…

Zack: Phew! Now let's go in there before I get aroused…I mean distracted by anything else…

_Skull Kid stares at them_

_They knock on the door_

…: Visitors? Come in, come in…

_Gozz, Zack, and Skull Kid walk inside_

…: Oh Siege it's been ages! _A creepy old man comes out of the shadows and hugs Gozz_

Gozz: Get off me! _He shoves the old fart to the ground_

…: But Siege it's me, Barbie!

Zack: Barbie? I thought you were a guy! Well I guess you can't really tell when there that old…

Gozz: And my names Gozz, not Siege.

Barbie: Oh Siege you always were so silly! I remember the time with the peanut butter…

Zack: Oh my god! I don't wanna here about your gay sex tales!

Barbie: Mm? You must be Coonta Kintay, Siege's African butt sex buddy!

Zack: My names Zack and I'm white!

Barbie: Oh yes you were white when he climaxed all over your face, yes indeed you were…

Zack: Never mind…

Skull Kid: Barbie…are you blind?

Barbie: Synthetically speaking what is blind? Is it someone who can't see or is it something you cover your windows with? Is it a skateboard company or is it…

Gozz: It's Sheik's dad!

Barbie: Oh yes you always did like Sheik but she was to young for you.

Zack: Who could like Sheik?

Skull Kid: Barbie…Can you help us? We need to find out what happened to the Zora's and we need to be able to breathe underwater.

Barbie: That's it? I can help you quite easily…

Zack: Yay!

Barbie: _If_ you pass the test!

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

And another one down! I'm running out of stuff to say as a footer so bare with me. This chapter was even longer then the Fire Temple one! 3 days of just planning! Then I had to put it all together. I almost forgot about Saria again...:P Luckily, I go back and re-read my stuff now so that won't happen anymore. Really that was one hell of a chapter. I showed my friends and they just about cried after reading about the Goron feast! I was laughing so hard when I wrote it I could barely breathe and my ribs felt broken. Hope you all liked it. BTW, I was going to make the napkins made of nasty stuff but I forgot about it and didn't want to go back and fill it in. Not cause I'm lazy but cuz I was running out of "creative ingredients" for there exotic items. I didn't wanna make it lame. I watched the Matrix for about 25 minutes to create the whole Smurfius scene. Its almost copied down word for word except the obvious changes. Watch it and see. And you guys finally know about the 4th goddess of the Triforce, Vegas, the goddess of Luck. I thought that was funny to. For all of you looking forward to Barbie, there will be plenty more Barbie action ahead!

In the next chapter, are heroes are forced to battle dark versions of themselves...even Navi! They also go to Club Lady and party away, Find 2 mysterious, reefer smoking scarecrows, and meet the running man who's REAL NAME IS REVEALED! The suspense is truly mounting and I'm late for work! Expect chapter 11 up as soon as Saturday night or as late as Monday afternoon. I work fast. Catch you guys later and as always, I appreciate reviews. Holla back!


	11. Barbie's Tests

THE LEGEND OF ZELDA OCARINA OF TIME PT: III

Chapter 11- Barbie's Test

Zack: What test?

Barbie: _The _test

Gozz: What kind of test are we talking about?

Barbie: It's simple, each of you must complete a test you are least qualified to perform. All you have to do is fill out these forms so I can determine your individual weaknesses.

_He passes them out forms_

_Zack reads the form_

**BARBIES TEST FOR NORMAL PEOPLE**

1.) Are you:

(a) male (b) female

2.) Favorite color:

(a) green (b) red (c) blue (d) purple

Zack: How are you gonna find our weaknesses with two questions?

Barbie: Oops! Wrong test! _He takes the forms _Ahh! Here they are! _He hands out a test to each of them_

**BARBIES TEST FOR DESPERATE VIRGINS**

1.) What are you most scared of?

(a) bugs (b) snakes (c) salad (d) Jehovah Witnesses

2.) Who is your hero?

(a) Bob Marley (b) Bill Clinton (c) Jigsaw (d) Dr. Suess

3.) When your _in the mood_ what do you think of?

(a) your girl (b) your friends girl (c) yourself (d) your mom

4.) If you found a treasure chest and whatever you wanted would be in it, what would you find when you opened it?

(a) money and gems (b) drugs (c) pokemon (d) girls

5.) What is your favorite sport?

(a) football (b) basketball (c) peg-leg racing (d) drinking

**BONUS: **Who is the hottest person you've ever seen in your life?

(a) Barbie (b) Saria (c) Pyra (d) Malon (e) Barbie (f) Zelda (g) Sheik (h) Mido (i) Barbie (j) Kaepora Gaebora (k) Dampe (l) Navi (m) Barbie (n) Darunia (o) Ingo (p) Talon (q) Smurfius (r) Barbie (s) Jesus (t) Epona (u) Gemma (v) Great Deku Tree (w) Ruto (x) Rauru (y) Ganondorf (z) Barbie

Gozz: Hm…Looks like the last question is geared toward Barbie…

Zack: I don't like the name of this test.

Barbie: After your done filling out your test, please out them in this box. _He grabs a box and lays it on top of a table_

_Everyone fills out their tests and puts them in the box_

Barbie: All done?

_They nod_

Barbie: Good! _He throws the box into the fireplace and it burns_

Zack: What the hell? What was the point of filling them out if you were just gonna burn them?

Barbie: Filling what out?

Gozz: Those forms!

Barbie: Nonsense! I haven't seen a form in 75 years!

Zack: How old are you?

Barbie: Enough with the small talk Coonta Kintay! Hurry up and fill out those forms!

Gozz: We already did! You threw them in the fireplace!

Barbie: Liar! I don't even have a fireplace! I'm disappointed in your sexual performance Sieg! That's the first time you've failed to please me since…

Skull Kid: BARBIE!

Barbie: Eh? Oh it's you Skull Kid. What do you want?

Skull Kid: I want you to tell us what happened to the Zora's and I want you to tell us how to breathe underwater.

Barbie: Ok, I'll help you…

Gozz: Finally!

Barbie:_ If _you pass the test!

Zack: Was he this broken last time you saw him?

Skull Kid: No.

Navi: And I thought Gozz was stupid…

_Gozz is about to kill Navi when Pyra walks in_

Pyra: Hey guys! What's takin so long?

_Much to Zack and Gozz's _disappointment_, Pyra is fully dressed_

Barbie: Ah! Pyra! I remember you!

Zack: You know this guy!

Pyra: No way! I've never seen him before.

Barbie: But I've seen you!

Zack: Have you been stalking her?

Barbie: Nope!

Pyra: Then how do you know me?

_Barbie grins and heads over to his computer_

Zack: Pyra! Don't tell me you're a porn star!

Gozz: I wouldn't be surprised…

Pyra: I'm not!

_Barbie pulls up My Space_

Barbie: There she is! My favorite person to look at while I…

Zack: That's enough.

_They look at Pyra's profile page which is full of pictures of her in exotic positions and poses_

_Gozz is drooling like a rabid dog_

Zack: Wow…

Skull Kid: I had no idea Barbie was a pervert.

Zack: Pyra…Why'd you post up pics of yourself looking like _that _on the internet?

Pyra: So I could attract guys like you.

Zack: No fooling!

_Barbie pulls out a jar of lubricate and a towel_

Barbie: Now if you'll kindly leave me alone then I can…

_Gozz smacks the jar of lube to the floor_

Gozz: What is wrong with you!

Barbie: Oh Siege…you know angry sex always turns me on…

Gozz: I'M NOT SIEGE! _He brings back his fist to pound Barbie_

Skull Kid: Wait! Barbie, can you just tell us what our tests are?

Barbie: Certainly! As you know, each test is geared to your greatest weakness! Gozz! Your test is to bring a girl home with you from the club!

Gozz: I oughta…

Barbie: Skull Kid! Your test is to get drunk and stoned as hell at the club!

Skull Kid: "drunk", "stoned", are these status ailments?

Barbie: Zack! Your test is to choose who you are going to go to the club with!

Zack: Oh man…

Pyra: He's going with _me_! Who else?

Barbie: And Pyra! Your test is to please the ever-loving shit out of me!

_Everyone glares at him_

Barbie: I mean…Your test is to eat Goron food non-stop until the club is closed! If you all complete these tests, come back and see me and I will help you. So long! _He ushers them out of his house_

Zack: Well…we should head over to the club…

Pyra: Yeah! Me and you will have a good time! _Right? She nudges him_

Zack: R…right…

Skull Kid: What is drunk and stoned?

Gozz: You'll find out when we get there. You worry to much…

Pyra: You should be the one worried Gozz! You have to bring some babe home! Like you could even bring home a blind, drunk, 5 year old with promises of candy!

Gozz: You little! _He starts toward her_

…:Hey…Violence is bad man…

_They spin around and see two scarecrows _

Gozz: Did that scarecrow just talk!

Scarecrow: Yeah man…_He takes a puff out a joint _We can talk…

Zack: Who and what are you?

Scarecrow 1: My names Bonooru…Were scarecrows man…I can memorize anything…especially the great feeling of this acid entering my system, destroying my brain cells, and causing cancer…

Scarecrow 2: And my names Pierre man…I travel everywhere man…everywhere…

Gozz: How can you travel? Your stuck in the ground!

Zack: And how can you memorize stuff? Scarecrows don't have brains! Ever watched the Wizard of Oz?

Bonooru: Man…don't hate…appreciate…

Pierre: Brother…they just mad cuz we different man…different…

Pyra: We should head to the club Zack.

Pierre: Club? I've been to the club before man…_He takes a long drag_ good times man…good times…

Skull Kid: So...could you guys tell me what stoned and drunk is?

Bonooru: Sure man…come over here and hit this…_He holds out a joint_

_Skull Kid walks over and takes it_

Skull Kid: Now what?

Bonooru: Breathe it in man…take it to your head…

_Skull Kid takes a heavy hit_

_He coughs_

Skull Kid: Ughhh…_He staggers around_

_Pierre catches him_

Pierre: Careful man…you gotta learn to crawl before you walk…

Skull Kid: Everything's watery… The clouds…They fall down again! _He starts laughing hysterically_

Bonooru: I think we got a new crew member man…

Pierre: Your right man…your right…

Skull Kid: Man…What about drunk man…what about drunk…

Zack: They've changed him!

Pierre: Almost forgot man…here…_He pulls a bottle of Colt 45 out of his jacket_

Bonooru: Go easy on him man…it's his first time…

Pierre: Brother…sip on some of this…_He hands the bottle to Skull Kid_

_Skull Kid chugs the whole thing_

Bonooru: Impressive man…impressive…

Skull Kid: I'm impressive man…un-stoppable and un-touchable man…

Pierre: I think he's ready for some potin oil man…

Bonooru: Don't forget purple haze man…don't forget the haze…

Skull Kid: Gimme dat black and wilds and 500 grams of oxy cotton man…it'll make me feel betta…

Pierre: He's right man…he's right_ He pulls out a big needle and sticks it in Skull Kid's arm_

Skull Kid: What's that man…that ain't no haze…

Zack: You guys are gonna kill him!

Pyra: Shh! This is funny!

Bonooru: I still got some of the meth man…hold him still…_He crushes up some crystal meth and pours the powder up Skull Kid's nose_

Skull Kid: need…morphine…more….man…more…

Link: That's enough! _Link comes marching over and grabs Skull Kid away from the scarecrows. _How could you do this to him?

Skull Kid: Put me down man…put me down…I haven't got my tabs yet…

Link: He's delusional! I'll take him into that house for help! You guys wait here! _Link goes into Barbie's house_

Pierre: I hope we see him again man…he was cool man…cool…

Bonooru: We will man…we will…

Zack: Let's get out of here before Link comes back.

Pyra: Yeah! I don't want him at the club with me!

Gozz: Me neither!

Pyra: I don't want you at the club with me either!

Gozz: Ahh shutup…

_They head out of Lake Hylia and into Hyrule Field_

Zack: Uh…you know what…why don't you two go on ahead without me? I left my…stuff at the ranch…I'll be over there in a minute.

Pyra: What did you forget?

Zack: Um…protection?

Pyra: Got you covered! _She pulls out a Trojan and slips it into her pocket_

Zack: I mean my video camera! You don't wanna miss out on us filming each other do you?

Pyra: No…But do you even have a camera?

Zack: Of course!

Pyra: Ok…but hurry…

Zack: I will! _He hauls over to the ranch_

Zack: Malon? You ready?

_Malon comes out the door_

Malon: Yeah…you like my outfit?

_Zack spends a good 10 minutes eyeing every exposed piece of Malon's skin_

Malon: Were gonna be late…

Zack: Right! Let's go!

_Zack plays Epona's song and they ride over to the club_

Zack: Alright! Just in time! _He helps Malon down off the horse and they walk up to the door_

Bouncer: Heh…Where you think you goin punk?

Zack: Were goin inside.

Bouncer: _She _can go. But only Ganondorf's men are allowed in.

Zack: Well to bad for Ganondorf. Tell him to come stop me… _He heads in_

Bouncer: Yo! _He slams his arm into the door stopping it _You got hearing problems?

Zack: Yo! You got nut problems mister steroids?

Bouncer: I'll kill you white boy!

Zack: Your white to!

Bouncer: I'm not white! I'm Caucasian!

Zack: That's the same thing!

Bouncer: You just hate me cuz I'm different!

Zack: No. I hate you cuz your stupid.

Bouncer: DIE!

…: Enough…_ Someone snaps their fingers and the bouncer springs back to his post_

…: Did you see the speed of his defensive scramble? He came to win today!

_Two men climb out of a limo_

Zack: Who are you guys?

…: John Madden's the name, football's the game! _He holds out his hand and they shake_

Zack: Who's the other guy?

…: Never heard of Skittles? I'm a free-stylin beast cuh! I'm da baddest mo-fo alive!

John Madden: His game speed is phenomenal! As he looks to the outside for an opening, his tight-end does his job and gives him room to maneuver!

Zack: Can you tell baby balls to let us in?

Skittles: Yo biceps boy! Take a sleepy sleep!

_The bouncer crawls into a doghouse and goes to bed_

Zack: …

John Madden: Amazing performance by the offense! Their penetration in their sleeping game is unstoppable!

Skittles: Lemme show you around the clubby blub.

_He leads Zack and Malon in_

_Rap music plays and lights flash all around_

Zack: Not bad!

Skittles: See them girls dancing on the poley pole? I own dem…

Navi: Girls aren't like belongings or pets! There people!

Skittles: Ms. Fairy, shut yo grilly grill and take a chilly pill.

_There's a crash and two guys start fighting_

Skittles: Ah…fighty fights…the real reason people come to the club.

John Madden: If you take a look at #48's right hook, you'll notice that upon contact he forces blood out of his opponents nose!

Zack: Um…thanks for everything but I'm sure we'll be fine.

Skittles: Go party the nighty night away dawg!

John Madden: And there's a flag on the play! A very disappointing call by the ref…

_Zack and Malon walk over to the bar_

Zack: Two of the strongest stuff you got!

Malon: You wanna dance?

Zack: Yeah! But first I'm gonna drink some of this _He looks at a bottle _"Lady Liquor?"

Bar tender: Here you are…_ He sets down two glasses_

Zack: Thanks! Cheers! _They clink their glasses together and drink_

Malon: That was good! Let's go! _She leads him to the dance floor_

DJ: Welcome pimps and hoes…

Navi: How inconsiderate!

DJ: This is the grand opening of Club Lady!

_Everyone cheers_

DJ: I want all ya'll on yo baddest behaviour! And ladies, I want lots of dirty dancing! But before we get this party started, I'd like you to meet our two sponsors, Skittles and John Madden!

_Everyone cheers as they walk up on stage_

Skittles: Yo homies! I made this club fuh-show fuh-show! I'm so bad I make your mother sad!

_Everyone boos at his terrible rhymes_

John Madden: And did you hear the crowds reaction to that? Why would they go for it there? Why force another turnover?

_Everyone cheers in agreement_

Skittles: West Side for life! Run up on me and I'll stab you with a knife!

_Everyone boos_

John Madden: Now he's got himself deep in his own territory! Ladies and gentlemen, this could lead to a safety!

_Everyone cheers_

_Skittles is looking enraged_

Skittles: I ride on 28's all day long, put your hands together if you diggin this song!

_Everyone boos and someone throws a bottle at him_

Skittles: Ouchy ouch! _He falls off the stage_

John Madden: TOUCHDOWN! AND THE EXTRA POINT IS GOOD!

_Everyone cheers and the music starts_

DJ: No Problems, by Lil Scrappy!

Lil Scrappy: you don't wanna be dead in the streets, mouth full of blood, soul full of heat…

_Malon starts rubbing up on Zack_

_Zack pulls her close and they get their groove on_

_Meanwhile_

Barbie: Eh? Oh hello mom! What brings you here?

Link: I'm Link and Skull Kid's been drugged!

Barbie: Gimme the drugs!

Link: I don't have them! Two scarecrows outside have a bunch of them!

Barbie: Well I have to go get my share! You wait here why'll I go buy some.

Link: Wait! Please, heal Skull Kid first!

Barbie: Fine. But my medication doesn't come cheap! 300 rupees!

Link: 300! That's ridiculous!

Barbie: Out of your league? Guess I'll go buy some coke then…

Link: Ok, ok, I'll pay… _He gives Barbie 6 purple rupees_

Barbie: Thanks! Bye! _He heads for the door_

Link: What about Skull Kid?

Barbie: Gr… Skull Kid! Wake up! _He dumps a bucket of water on him _

Link: That's your medication! Water!

Barbie: Water is rare in these parts…

Link: You live next to a lake!

Barbie: I don't have time to argue mom! I'm going to get some drugs…_He leaves_

_Skull Kid wakes up_

Skull Kid: What happened?

Link: I saved you from two scarecrows who were drugging you.

Skull Kid: Liar! Scarecrows can't drug people!

Link: These ones did! I saw it happen!

Skull kid: No…I see it now…_you _did this to me!

Link: You got it all wrong!

Skull Kid: Tryin to fool me with the old "I saved your life" gimmick? HA! You just wanted to get on my good side!

Link: No that's not true!

Skull Kid: Now you die! Feel the wrath of my thousand thorn thrash! _He summons up thick thorny vines_

Link: No! Stop!

_Barbie walks in with his drugs_

Barbie: Now, now mom, don't tease Mr. Skull Kid!

Link: I really should be going!

Barbie: Why don't you go over to Club Lady? That's where your friends are.

Link: Thanks! I'll do just that! _He takes off_

Skull Kid: I'm going to! Link must pay! _He follows Link_

Barbie: Finally…alone…_He heads over to his T.V _Hm? What's this? _He bends over and picks up a tape _Malon gets mucky? Where'd this come from? Oh well…I better watch it! _He pops the tape in, grabs his "supplies", and gets comfortable_

_Back at the club_

_The song ends and Zack drags Malon off to the side_

Malon: That was fun! Wanna go again?

Zack: I…uh…

_Fireman starts playing_

Malon: Ooh! I love this song! C'mon Zack let's go!

Zack: Wait…_He gently pushes her up against a wall_

Malon: Wha…?

Zack: Let's do something else…_He runs his hands down her body_

Malon: Zack…mmm…_She grabs his hands _you feel so warm…_She cuddles into his chest_

_Zack picks her up and carries her _

Malon: Where are we going?

Zack: To a backroom…_He opens a door and locks it shut _Take that shirt off…

_Malon reaches down and pulls off her…_

Narrator: Hello there readers! This story is rated T for teen. Therefore it really shouldn't have any naughty things in it. So were just gonna skip ahead 45 minutes into the future. Ok?

_The narrator pushes fast forward and stops_

_Zack and Malon come out of the room_

Zack: Malon can you leave so Pyra doesn't know you were here with me?

Malon: Only if you promise not to mess around with her anymore…

Zack: Ok…I promise _He crosses his fingers behind his back_

Malon: K. Goodnight! _She kisses him and walks away_

Gozz: Oh there you be! _Gozz comes staggering over holding onto some girl for support_

Zack: Who's she?

Gozz: This is my friend, um…what was your name again?

Girl: Fara.

Gozz: Right! I knew it started with a Q…

Fara: Why don't we go back to your place Gozz?

Gozz: That's a long walk.

Fara: Then let's go over to the lake.

Gozz: Ok!

_She leads him out_

_Link comes storming in_

Link: Zack! You good-for-nothing son of a…

Pyra: Zack! There you are! Where have you been?

Link: I'll tell you where he's been!

Pyra: Where?

Link: I get directions from Barbie, come here and Navi tells me Zack carried Malon off to a backroom where she found the drunk ass hero of time on top of daddy's little princess!

Pyra: Zack! What did you do!

Zack: I didn't do nothun! That fairies a liar!

Skull Kid: Link! There you are! _He comes crashing in _Now I'll have my revenge!

…: Muhk, yuhk, that's enough of that…

_A strange gas pours threw the club and everyone falls asleep_

_The next morning_

Zack: Where am I? _He springs up and looks around_

…: Your in Barbies muhk, yuhk house…

Zack: Douglass? What are you doing here?

Douglass: Barbie sent me to bring you guys back to his house so he could muhk, yuhk tell you your test results.

Zack: The last thing I remember at the club was a strange gas…

Douglass: That was my patented muhk, yuhk Goron Excrement Gas! Guaranteed to knock out the inhaler until morning!

Zack: Let me guess…your Goron Gas miners worked late hours to collect that exotic gas.

Douglass: How did you guess?

Zack: Never mind. Where's everyone else?

Douglass: There outside waiting muhk, yuhk for you…

Zack: Better not keep em waiting. _He walks out the door_

Barbie: Oh there you are Cunta Kintay! We were getting worried!

Zack: My names Zack for the millionth time…what did you want us for?

Barbie: Your test results have come in!

Gozz: From where?

Barbie: The North Pole where else? Santa knows if you've been naughty or nice and he also knows if you've completed Barbie's tests!

Link: Did Santa say I was a good boy this year?

Barbie: Oh yes Linky-poo! He also said if you keep this up next year you can work with him in his workshop!

Link: Hurrah! What a joyous day that shall be!

Gozz: Can you just tell us how we did?

Barbie: I suppose…But parental guidance is strongly recommended. Skull Kid! Your test was to get stoned and drunk. You passed with a 60 barely passing.

Skull Kid: Why did I not score a hundred? I did successfully achieve those ailments!

Barbie: Yes but with outside help, the test was for you to force yourself to smoke and drink, not have Link drug you.

Skull Kid: Yes…Link will pay!

Link: I didn't even do anything!

Barbie: Silence! Gozz! Your test was to bring a girl home with you. By some miracle (or some Lady Liquor) this actually happened. _However, _You did not bring the girl to your home! You brought her outside of my home! I'm feeling generous so Gozz will receive a 70.

Gozz: Ha! Looks like I'm the best!

Barbie: Pyra! Your test was to eat Goron food nonstop at the club. You did not even attempt a bite! You scored a 0!

Pyra: There wasn't even any Goron food there!

Barbie: Silence! Then you should have had a word with the chef! Unacceptable! I cannot believe how ignorant young people are these days! Back in my day I had to sweat and bleed just to make it to school!

Zack: Wow…It sure is a shame we young people aren't as motivated to get a good education nowadays.

Barbie: It sure is! And Zack! Your test was to pick who to go to the club with. You picked Malon and how shall I put this… literally "stuck" with her if you catch my drift…100!

Pyra: You went with Malon! I thought you and me…

Zack: It's obvious he's lying! Look at him! Have you ever seen a less honest looking man in your whole life?

Navi: Shame on you Zack! Trying to disgrace this poor old man! He works hard to make his living!

Zack: You don't even know him!

Link: Such insolence! Trying to drag this honorable man's name threw the mud! You should be apologizing!

Barbie: It's true, I'm just a lonely sad man trying to get threw life the best I can…

Gozz: With this? _He ejects Malon Get's Mucky out of the VCR and waves it around_

Barbie: That is none of your business! _He snatches the tape out of Gozz's hands_

You will get no help from me! If you all are going to be so disrespectful to a kind hearted innocent man then you must leave at once!

Skull Kid: Barbie, we are truly sorry for any pain we may have caused you.

Barbie: You are such a good guy Skull Kid. But alas I cannot help you because Navi did not pass her test…

Navi: You didn't even give me a test!

Barbie: See what I mean? Everyone must argue with a genius to try to show off…All of you are helpless untalented fools. May god take pity on your souls…

Skull Kid: Please Barbie! We must find out what happened to the Zora's!

Barbie: It cannot be helped…farewell friends…_He goes inside his house_

Gozz: IM GONNA STRANGLE HIM!

Zack: Now how the hell are we gonna help the Zora's?

….: Needed to help them Zora's? Well I'm is your men!

_They spin around and see a man in a jogging uniform_

Zack: Who the hell are you?

…: Name of mine is Dick Hurts an running people!

Gozz: Why the hell do you talk like that?

Dick: No not what you've spoken of do I…But helps you with Zora's I shall!

Link: Oh good friend Dick, please bless us with the knowledge of how to free those poor Zora's…

Zack: Good friend? You just met him!

Dick: All thou must do is simple a task indeed! Answer my riddles and the light of saving Zora's how to yours be will!

Gozz: Riddles? I'm your man! Ask away!

Dick: Not long ago, there was a hoe, who did favors for everyone, even her bro, her lifelong dream was to pleasure men, she had been doing it since she was ten, it was her secret, her master plan, her name was Billy, the ugly caveman.

Gozz:…

Dick: What looking at are you? Answer riddle now must you!

Gozz: That wasn't even a question!

Dick: Alas you have failed! The answer was Tylenol…

Link: Allow me to try…

Dick: I am green, red, blue, orange, red, yellow, indigo, purple, white, pink, brown, silver, black, gold and teal. What am I?

Link: You are colorful!

Dick: Incorrect! I am obviously a black person dressed for church…You only have one more chance…

Zack: I got this!

Dick: This be that outrageous cay eh timothy?

Zack: It sure is!

Dick: A winner have we. Take these you may! _He hands all of them a blue tunic _Zora tunics are these, breathing underwater specialty is there's travel to the bottom of the lake for the answer to the Zora's fate. Well fare and long so! _He runs away_

Link: What a charming character! How I wish to meet him again!

Zack: Well bottom of the lake here I come! You guys wait here for a second…_Zack puts on his tunic and iron boots and sinks down into the lake_

Zack: Glub, glub, glub? _He notices a structure at the bottom_

_He swims towards it and reaches some sort of door_

_He knocks on it and it opens and starts draining the lake_

_He climbs back out onto land and removes his iron boots_

Zack: The lakes draining! And there's some sort of temple at the bottom of the lake! C'mon I'll show you.

_Everyone follows Zack down and they walk into the temple_

_The door locks behind them_

…: Mwa ha ha! So nice of you to come!

_5 shadowy figures step out of the gloom_

Pyra: They look like us!

…: Good work! We are shadow copies of you, eviler and stronger then you in every way! And we will fight you to increase suspense!

Link: Violence is not the answer! All you guys need is a hug!

Shadow Skull Kid: Alas could it be true! The answer to our happiness? Could it be love?

Shadow Pyra: It very well could be! This could be just like some lame Disney movie!

Shadow Link: Or more likely, the author could be trying to skip a long fight scene!

_The shadows gasp and nod in agreement_

Narrator: You got it twisted!

Shadow Narrator: Don't listen to him! The author is lazy and his characters must pay!

Skull Kid: HYPNOSIS! _Blue waves of energy fly from his eyes and the shadow's collapse in a heap_

Zack: Nice! That could've turned nasty…

…: MWAHAHA! THAT WONT WORK AGAINST ME!

_A black ball flies out of the bodies and circles them_

Link: It couldn't be! The only thing Ganondorf himself fears!

Pyra: What is it!

Link : SHADOW NAVI!

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Sorry about the delay guys! But I'm back to working on this story and I can say that chapter 12 will definantly be up by the end of next week. If the Steelers win the super bowl then maybe by the end of this coming week. Im also working on another fic now so look for it in soon. In chapter 12, the battle for the Zora's begin with a more powerful foe then they dreamed possible, SHADOW NAVI! They also meet Ralph the monk, do some back to the future style time-travel and encounter an enraged Irish man who can summon leprechauns! And who could forget the mascot mansion? It's all coming as soon as I get off my ass and write!


End file.
